its been a long day. after a extremely tough morning mentally and then a long day at work that ramped up more triggers, i ended up getting pep talks from both of my siblings that echoed the same thing both my therapist and mom and dad and everyone else on this planet has been trying to tell me: i care way too much. like it is killing me. its gonna be why i attempt suicide again. i fall to my knees at the sheer whiff of possibility that someone i genuinely do not give aflying shit about doesnt like me. i want to hit and stab myself when it feels like i missed a social cue and everyone laughs at me instead of the silly mistake that will be brushed off. im shaken by every ounce of antisocial behavior faced my way and instantly i fall onto my back, belly to air and plead for mercy. i still think i have no power, control or voice no matter where i go. or who im with, i still find myself small and at their will. a child. not even in a cute regression, i have not exited the mindset and mindframe of the young 9 year old rea that would sob and crawl behind friends who ran from me and told me off because i didnt do what they said. or my friends and middle school and how me not following what they wanted meant mental pain. i cant grasp the fact that im not a child anymore and that i actually have say in what goes on for my life. and that really no one else has this imaginary power of me that im convinced they have and that they will hurt me and laugh at me and control how im percieved and always keep me as something only worth being bullied. like. dude. i know this shit is stupid but i geneuinly am convinced everywhere that i am powerless and i am at everyones feet and i must abide by everything im told. even today at my lane when i was checking out customers theyd crack joke and i just take it serious and they become uncomfrotable because it was meant to be a joke. like im sick. i havent been this mentally down for so long. im trying to fight it so hard
im seeing a therapist for this junk and literally its the same stuff rehashed: why do i care about this stuff when im doing SO much great stuff for my future and why am i not giving yself any credit and why am i giving everyone so much power and credit they may not even deserve? i do not believe i have power/autonomy thats why!! like i have to find it in myself yes but HOW. how? after so long of this being the thing hammered into my belief system. i am so cemented in belief that i am on this planet to serve others and what i want, feel or say will cause some sort of pain therefore i need to follow with what others want. like as a child the goal was to get good grades to make mom and dad happy, not anything for me. im going to college for my family, not for me. i do everything for others, not me. how do i randomly just stop doing this and figure out what i want
i need to respect myself. i need to create boundaries and stand by them. i need to actually love myself. like actually, actually love myself. love the fact im a system and love each alter. love the fact i have autistic traits and stop calling myself slurs when im exhibiting these symptoms and actually advocate for myself and make people respect me. love that im trans and demand people refer to me by the correct pronouns. demand people say my name correctly. demand that people dont disrespect me when im nearby isntead of moping and giving them power over me. love the fact that yeah i am a little weird and its genuinely gorgeous and beutiful and i bring joy to the world when i love myself because i do. and when i love myself im actually happy. i have to stop doing everything for everyone else and letting them control my fate and just do it for me. because evewn the reason for me to not kill myself is to keep from making everyone upset. how the FUCK am i gonna be able to worry about pissing people off when IM dead. :?????? i am wasting anoither. another year of my life repeating the same mental cycle of mistake of caring too much
my permaregression is really the fact i am stuck feeling as powerless as i have felt as a kid. i am childish and colorful but those are elements i would posesses even had i not gone through events that made me believe i have no autonomy. its elements i cant even actually enjoy right now because the associaton of being cute/colorful is so tainted by the element of loss of autonomy and its why i am never going to be respected to taken seriously and why i will always be at the feet of others. i am always feeling i have no autonomy. i have autonomy. i am 22. i can go to bars and gamble. why am i punishing myself. why do i shut down after any choice i make because it feels like it wasnt my choice at all. everything conclucdes with this shame and guilt of thinking i have the right.
im toruturing myself lately. i cant even do anything that brings any kind of pleasure for myself without the beliefs coming back that i dont have the choice or right to do this. i cant jack off without the guilt. i cant drink or smoke. i can barely just play with stuffed animals or watch tv or play games. im constantly in a belief i am in trouble and i will make people upset and get mad and want to hurt me or my ability to live. im having a hard time.
i have to love to love myself and respect myself and remind myself i actually have autonomy, and all of this caring too much and people pleasing is why im sinking further. its so scary but i will try to do it. i have autonomy
morning all! havent wrote in a bit and the month is half over lol
so work is fine so far. im a cashier (more like i cling to this role) bc like....i can rely on script daily. the other task ive had to try to do is what trips me up and my coworkers arent catching on its bc its not a script that goes with it lol but ill figure it out eventually. dont got a choice xD im just stuck waiting til next week to finally get my first check. this has been rough but itll pay off. theres so much to try to take care of once i do get paid, so ill prob try to grab some more commissions until then. the only con with work so far is coworkers realizing i do Not got them social skills. the younger coworkers are less understanding than the older ones. im not sure how to relax or loosen up so thats been making them annoyed but oh well im here for a check
therapy is :/ because like....i can and i actively identify exactly what causes my behaviors, and reflect on these events, and acknowledge the irrationality of generalizing bad experiences onto all future ones but its really not tackling the fact i dont feel allowed to feel the emotions without being in trouble for feeling/expressing the axnieties. so far goal in therapy has been behavior and thought adjustment with my ocd and extremely negative self evaluation thanks to the history and events ive explained to the therapist. which has been my life its alwasys trying to adjust how i act and respond to things properlty which is like well the goal a behaviroal therapist has so im not really mad at the guy this is quite literally his approach. like im fully aware my behavior and thought processes are irrational. he agrees yeah you dont gotta think this way, try to think and tell yourself positive stuff. man telling myself positive stuff doesnt stop my body from immediately activating when theres an active threat lol the therapist says its not a test or task or anything but i leave session like i just left college class or something and im not passing and ill get a bad grade or evaluation and i HAVE to adjust myself better to avoid punishment or getting in trouble with said therapist for being a bad patient (even thoygh he finds the concept hilarious like its legitamtely how it feels despite the irrationality of it.). so like, yeah we can go over whats wrong but because the goal is being more optimal about how i respond to stuff it feels like im failing = more anxiety and stress rather than working through what happened. like this is stuff i can do every other day without the authrotity evauliation. so therapy isnt helping and ive just gotten significantly more depressed and anxious since starting. work and general interactions with people are making me adjust my behaviors enough atp
other than that i havent really drawn but ill spend the day doing so finishing due commissions (atleast starting them past sketch phase). i want to make my comic series soon and plan to. im gonna start using pencil and paper alot more because 1 my computer is starting to fart out on me and 2 compulsive behaviors when i am online. so yep. summer is the best time for sketchbooks too so it works out awesome and im super excited to get drawing again wherever and whenever. also the motion helps with decompressing so yeah. its to help ourselves.
i wish i had more to say or share but its just been a month so far. i go to c2e2 on the 27th if all goes accoridng to plan so maybe ill show pics next journal of that. things will improve more than they have :3 see yall and hope ur all alright
hi party people animals whatever the heck! heres the april update
well i start work on monday (yay yay). i will be like....doing customer service gunk at retail (atleast what they said id be doing) but this position seems like its a everyday is something new, which idm much tbh. i did this at walmart. i should be alright. im really happy to be able to start bringing in consistent income that isnt going to drain on my want to draw. ive been doing commissions since ive been out of a job and while i dont mind commissions much, its also just starts to monetize my hobby in a negative way which makes me less likely to draw for fun. so now that i can just take commissions less often and be paid elsewhere, i can probably focus back on my personal work, including attending to my want to make a full comic! been sitting with this for some time and god knows if ill actually do anything with this feeling, but hell! why not lol. been playing art a bit safe in this accord lately
other than starting work, i started therapy the other week. im still skeptical even after the first session, so after 2 more sessions i think is when i can really formulate how i actually feel about it and if its gonna work for me, because i honestly been wanting dbt guidance which this seems similar to but im unsure how much of it will. but i wont knock this until it gives me a reason to. attending therapy has been spurred on by me needing to stop fawning, how bad my compulsions are and general neurodiverse traits being made to feel super icky so i really need to work on not feeling faulty. i hope to be able to view myself more positively with this therapy and if it doesnt happen then ill try a different therapsit
i deleted ALOT of this journal while writing and its like almost an hr and a half after i started it and significantly shorter than it originally was so maybe ill tocuh on what i got rid of another time. rn i am kinda tired and dont want to anymore and would rather go eat atm and not be at the computer lol