heeeres a blog

December 23, 2023, 9:02 AM - 10:08 AM (because i got distracted)

TLDR sketchbook making, new years, day plans

moornin and happy christmas eve eve and happy holidays homies. heres a quick blog

i made a handmade sketchbook last night in preperation for the new year. we really need to get back into the tradtional means and get away from our desk. also we cant keep buying new sketchbooks with all the scrap papers and unfinished journals we could recycle laying around lmao. so i said fuck it, lets make our own, it couldnt be that hard? it wasnt that hard at all LOL. i followed this coptic binding tutorial and finished the construction in an hour or two. rea decorated it (i was gonna make it themed but its w/e) and now it shall sit and await the new year to be put to use.

from now on, we'll probably make our own sketchbooks. not only can we fully customize the size, but mix multiple types of paper within each signature we sew in. i used everything i had at home already and put old material i had no purpose for to use. it works out better and is fun ngl. ill be making a custom journal for our irl brother too. maybe a writing journal for one of our irl friends since shes a writer. alot of opputuninites.

i dunno if we really have any new year resolutions. its gonna just be vibes next year and we'll keep floating along. definitely will hone into creative fields more, but other than that idk. we achieved this years goal of making friends. im not the headmate to make any other grand plans unless theyre art related. if its anything personal related, i guess self-care improvment. like us keeping up with doing our hair, staying well kept and looking better to reduce our dysmoprphia (because its worsening.). not making a huge "i will defeat it" but atleast put effort to work on it

gonna spend the rest of the day finishing christmas presents in preperation for the big day i suppose. hope you all have some great celebrations if you celebrate!

pokemon my beloved

December 16, 2023, 11:21AM - 12:25PM

TLDR finished finals, jumped back into pokemon, second site plans, new meds, ect

it definitely isnt feeling like december rn with the rain, but im finished with finals so i honestly dont give a shit LOL. i finished off as best as i can. passing > deans list. im on my last year and only just learned how useless grades are unless you have connections -_- so if ur fresh in college? MAKE CONNECTIONS. that goes 3000000 ways further than an average/high gpa

im really trying to dive back into pokemon since the indigo disk dlc came out. i was tempted by the synchromachine feature. i am a simple critter. u give me ability to walk around as a little guy? im buying so my brother bought the dlc for me as a belated bday gift. the thing is hes so obviously still into pokemon and wants to get back into it too, so im trying to convience him to buy his own switch so we can battle and play together like the old days. he beat Lacey for me after i got swept twice and kept watching me and coaching me through battles, similar to every time i tried to enter the hall of fame as a kid. the perk of being the youngest sibling is having cool older siblings to help u beat the bosses and shit xD and sometimes its reversed, theres been times i beat bosses for him somehow, usually games with weirder mechanics LOL

i hadnt mentioned it on site yet but for 2024 ill be playing through pokemon games again and sorta like journaling about them? seperate from this blog page bc i need a dedicated pokemon hub....perhaps ill just add the pokemon hub to the plush collection site? this site is kinda already a love letter to pokemon, but more general about my online experience. but my second site pachigirl48forever will be the love letter completely, hosting all my pokemon centric shrines and reviews and whatnot so it makes sense to also host my new replays and document of old playthroughs. all plans ill try to get solidified before 2024 happens. itll be my little assignment for myself :3 im not sure if i can attend classes next semester unless i get a better hand with luck so if school is bppthhh then i guess ill be able to rlly code alot more lmfao

anywyas, heres some silly previews of some of the wyas i wanna document playing games!

the main trainer being just the vessel on their journey as they re-travel the regions :P granted im limited in which games can get pics like this but i can atleast blog about pkmn violet like this!

in other news (more personal) is that im on new medication. its supposed to help double/counteract with all the junk going on with me until doctors can determine the proper source of my issues and if its something physical or soley mental illness manifestating in other ways. my dissociative states are worsening, and when i am afraid and stressed i painfully tense up and spasm and my joints start to hurt so bad that i struggle to walk. i cant do much physical activity without becoming exsauhsted. my stomach issues arent any better but correlate with the panic --> dissociative state rather than specific food triggers (but im staying eating clean/minimal). the medicine should be able to relieve a bit? but its apparently a bitch to adjust to and get off of. what i need is therapy but it isnt covered nor really accessible rn. idk how im expected to heal in therapy anyways when i dont even have proper food access lol like.....yknow its kinda stupid. "do u feel secure" ahahdjdfksdkjdsjkds how can uask me that!!!! insurance covers free meds tho so i dont kms atleast
i can already feel my brain trying to adjust and its why im sorta just going in a hole a bit. i apologize in advance if i become the worse doomer youve read, im gonna put in measures to limit how negative i get. im like this every med adjustment. im praying that i will actually have some positive responsiveness to this medication since the last 3 were ineffective. ptsd isnt something u can treat with medication alone and my access to someone tramua informed & enviroment away from tramua is not something attainable atm. alot is just me sorta just rolling with it, so im doing what i can with what im provided. im gonna make it work and stay strong :3 i will get a break from this junk

anywho, yeah. those are some plans. i have a lot to do in a month. but i will probably spend it playing pokemon because xP raghhh!! (shrugs)

hope u all are alright! ^^ take care

22nd birthday!

December 10, 2023, 5:27PM

TLDR turned 22!! decent day, bully mom, and finals

today started out bizarre, tbh! i woke up multiple times after midnight from very detailed nightmares. one of the main ones about being stuff on a freeway in very condensed natural diaster like traffic and having to rush with crowds of people to try to make it over a bridge of some sort? there were almost zombie like people on the sidelines like...giving advice or sumn??? anyways after that nightmare, i kept hearing our firealarm go off in our house constantly causing me to panic while i "smelled" fire and stuff. i think that was a sleep paralysis episode as i woke up extremely violently and started to loudly ask if everyone was ok while my chest pounded so hard and i thought i was suffocating. funny in a way. started off 22 pretty strong (sick in the head)

anyways, following that...my mom baked me a pikachu cake using a vintage pikachu cake pan my brother thrifted me a while ago!

it is very skrunkly and it was yummy. she made the batter and frosting from scratch. i had just one piece because i didnt have real food today and didnt want all the sugar on a empty belly ^^' i only just ate a "meal" for the first time today since mom wanted a slice of cake to try and said we needed to cut it and try it so i was like "let me cook to balance belly contents" since i just ended up eating a piece without dinner.

so i tried to make dinner and it was....terrible. a very sad pesto and shrimp pasta with too much corn. because mom started fussing and getting super aggressive in the kitchen while i was trying to cook, causing me to run get scared and scramble. the shrimp wasnt fully cooked and it will probably make me sick tomorrow. i didnt even want pesto since its been causing me to get sick :"3 very stupid. she hit my butt like she was gonna spank me because i was afraid and coudlnt make up my mind....over what sauce i was going to put on my pfood and because my voice was getting louder (i was panicking!!! :3). didnt help at all and then she got upset i just went into full (robot mode) and kept freezing up. so yeah! um. stupid shit. now shes upset that i was scared when she was messing with me. i dont understand how to win.

ignoring that whole dumbass tramua trigger incident, my birthday was pretty chill! i didnt do anything special my sister just washed my hair and stuff for me. i got lots of happy birthdays and it felt really nice i dont remember my last birthdays haha. but i feel bad that people told me happy birthday now i will have to mega ensure i say it to them on their birthday. i want to feel like its ok nice stuff happened on my birthday because i am in panic mode x) and my tummy is hurting from the food and im still hungry. bleh. i am 22 and afraid of my mom still, and im still afraid and cant understand if people are mad or annoyed with me or whats safe. im in a shitty headspace. im going to try not to vent in every journal post but it just sorta like a stream of conciousness right now.

despite it all, i will properly study for my final tomorrow so i can try to get an 84% in my class the exam is for. right now im at 81% because the last exam i took i did pretty awful since i was out of classes for a bit. its hard to study but ill try my best i can so i can try to pass the class without much worry! ^^ and then that wont be a worry anymore. im so close to the finish line that i just have to puff out my chest and keep pushing forward until im freee!!!!!!!! next semester i will worry about next week since i have to get money for class....right now, i dont care. im tired xD

yeah so i will watch youtube and study and then call it a night, go take my final and look forward to a good year

snowy morn

December 5, 2023, 7:46AM

TLDR groggy emotional morning update and plans for today!

goooood morning world. i didnt commute to classes today because this robodog woke up up glitching. yesterday night is when it really got weird (ate food, went to bathroom and had random nose bleed followed by extreme disorientation --> went unconcious) and now im still trying to physically recoup. its really like a computer overheating, the way my health goes. ill be on new meds soon to see if theyll assist in the excess fan running. doc thinks its my stress manifesting into scary health stuff, but im also still on the radar for actual scary health issues. dunno if its a negative feedback loop between mental and physical issues, but man its pretty fucking annoying!

anywho, since im not commuting today, i will do schoolwork from my room. i feel bad i wont be in one of the classes because i wont be able to say hi to my friend. it feels like shit that i finally made a school friend out of 4 yrs of college and im consistently too sick to hang out with her or unable to give back/show appreciation with money and stuff, and its why i was so afraid when we first became friends. bc i knew i wouldnt be able to like, match the level of love/care she shows me. atleast not in an optimal manner, like what she would except reciprocated or like reciprocation that is respectful, if that makes sense?? i dont have huge standards in friendships and really ask for nothing except patience from the other party, but ik others have standards as they should bc to accept nothing is disrespecting urself. i can feel when im missing the mark and it makes me feel terrible bc its not that i dont care about her or intend to disrespect her time or love, im in a Pickle. and i know i need to do much better even with whats wrong with me. its why i ask for nothing and decline everything and give everything until i know i can properly reciprocate at a proper level. i regret accepting lunch dates and treats because im trying to be able to give that back and it feels too late. i dont know, this shits scary when all is said and done. we find ourselves wanting to retreat back into just not talking to Anyone so the situation doesnt happen, but no! that is avoidance, we must face the uncomfortable horrifying feelings and realize its not that bad. and if it does go bad, then that is ok bc we will still get up and brush off dirt and tears and keep trotting along. it sucks it will be something ill talk to new counsler about. i wont dwell on it here any longer.

i want to do more coding today since im gonna be near my desktop anyways! wanna figure out the plush collection thingy....or set up the agere blog so we can blog about plushies n stuff but we have to prioritize school work first. itll be a treat to us if we finish a nice draft for our english paper to code up the agere hub :3 so that works out! ill prob try to sketch out commissions too and take proper breaks today (with lots of water) so this dog can go to class tomorrow! and hopefully finish an art project while at home haha. if i get any of this done today, that will be great! if not, thats cool to! main focus is try to recoup so i can commute to school safely tomorrow ^^

well, i hope u all have a good mornin! im going to rest a little more and then back on the schmoove.

First Entry!

December 3, 2023, 2:30PM

TLDR just rambling abt coding and what i did today!

hello!

as u can see...I CODED THE BLOG!!! YAHOO!!! I made it themed after DeviantART to make the enviroment cozy again lol. also because it makes me more encouraged to archive my old favorite images from the site to use in the journal (and figure out how to credit em!).

i have NO clue what else to really add around here yet....but just to have this coded feels good ^^ the side bar will allow for a long time archive of old entries by month and such and im excited to see it grow.

ive been really inspired to code after looking through a lot of old sites and archives that were pokemon centric and some i remember visiting as a kid myself. now with my ability to understand coding from the ground up, im ready to really nail myself into online sphere and keep up with a site!

i think ill make an ageregression centric one for when im super little headspace so it isnt clogging up this spot! and i will probably make another sidebar so you can access shit like recipies, guides and even like series watchthrough reviews or something??? a bunch of ideas! gotta figure out how to incooperate them but all i know is that there will be AAAALLOOOTT of iframes in use LOL. which is fine :3 harnessing iframe has really opened a ton of doors for me with coding and its made me so damn excited! old ideas on how to code character boxes akin to pokemon ones is now possible!!! im just AAAAAAAA!

anywho, with life junk, its the end of the semester. my birthday is in 7 days! and i have to make a ton of money to pay bills ^^' its a messy time as usual but despite everything i look forward to this december!

now i will take a proper break and go wash my hair (its hair day, i have to twostrand twist it for the week). and then i will probably eat and then respond to dms i forgot to respond to ^^"