i woke up with a start because youtube autoplayed a stream vod with loud audio which woke me up lol. my go to lately has been turning on streams to help lue me into sleep because listening to whatever streamer's voice helps curbs the default rumination if it feels like i need to be listening to their rambles instead. also the vods are chill. its funny because vinny laughed in a stream at some point about how people may sleep to his vods and the metal pipe sound fx (im really liking the rimworld vods) is probably waking sleeping viewers up. ive become immune to the metal pipe already. what woke me up today was youtube autoplaying joel's voices of the season streams xD
anyways things are relatively ok. my last blog was weird because i was sleepy and had a funked state of mind that THank god i was able to cover with dirt before it grew. because i was having. not good brain thoughts BUT theyre chill now. i made dinner last night and it was FANTASTIC. i love love love country fried chicken and steak so i made country fried chicken with mashed taters and my mom made sweet carrots. so good. right now at my feet lay two of my kitties, well one is my brothers. my brother moves out soon and id be lying if the reality isnt gonna crush me. because both hes one of the main people i talk to daily and well i will be alone with mom for god knows how long. i think itll be fine. i hope so. i dread alot. my goal will be to seriously find some sort of employment, finish college (just to secure degree and possibly better income) and find my own living quarters. the main roadblocks is deteoriating physical health which if it keeps getting bad will justify my mom keeping me under her wing.
right now the issue is my limbs going cold and numb (they actually arent). my left arm is basically dead right now in terms of feeling. like i can type with no issue and move it but to sense any pressure? its leaving at a fast rate. all i feel is a tingly chill. this is annoying as hell because 1) its getting hard to draw which is my form of work rn. i like drawing for both my self and for cash because well its one thing i can do that for. 2) its one of those issues that will require testing and the chance for things to come back clear, meaning more testing or they just shrug and say "well ermmmm idk". i see a rhumetologist next week because like an entire 2-3 months ago my primary doctor suspected the reason why i was basically paralyzed was due to rhumethoid arthrisis or fibromyalgia. which is like how fun! im afraid i wont get clear answers or be given the run around the same way my gastro doctors has been doing me since ive initially met them. so i will write up a paper documenting my symptoms so they can see it and i cant get nervous mid appointment and forget details. fingers crossed things come out good because ahhhh i need answers so when i do return to school, i can properly get accomadations for when i am going through whatever the hell ends up happening. its why i keep wanting to fully give up is because i keep going through schooling with no help at all since "theres no proof of condition". when it was just mental health that was Bad but to now be physically unwell and at times unable to move and still be told "no proof of condition" it really amps up that "i dont want to do this anymore" feeling for me.im trying to nip the health issues in the bud as soon as they appear, but its really feeling that yeah they arent gonna be addressed until it reaches a near no point of return unless you Persist with bothering the docs, which is scary for me. the thought of being persistant about needing answers scares me bad because what if they purposely hurt me due to wanting answers? i dont want to consider the possibilities...
despite that, im still fine. i will likely spend my day in bed on my school laptop and not sitting upward since my body is probably upset that ive overdone it with drawing. numbness can come from overworking it. i take breaks and drink ALOT of water and i get up, but i probably need to do Way more walks outside to compensate for when i get hyperfcoused. it could be a posture thing i wouldnt be shocked. or my sciatica because thats something everyone in my family deals with. and it could even be just due to my period being around the corner that symptoms are exaberated by hormone flucation (this is like. what always happens at this point). i wish i could just get confirmation on whats exactly wrong like you can diagnose a computer or a tainted file. but the body is more complex than that, and to get those easy answers would be too stressful for the body most likely. i doubt my body would handle it atleast. the way it locked up after 2 invasive procedures? lol. being an anxious bug about it doesnt aid me because aot of this stuff appears when i get stressed anyways. and rn im pretty vunerable in terms of body stress so i need to just chill out and just do what i can do ease the symptoms. its frustrating but hey i am in better condition rn than i could be in. ill cherish this despite the issues that could present themselves and be happy im still typing and walking and eating.
in terms of non health stuff, i will continue working on pages for the site behind the scenes. i have a lot of stuff as a work in progress! i will end up doing so via laptop since i have a flashdrive to carry pages around on for times like this. i kind of want to make a page about being objectum because i get bursts of love for my plush friends or wanting to kick my feet about pylons or tech,,,but idk its more of a socmed thing to gush publicly and i dont wanna do that. same thing with self shipping. it boils down to feeling lazy and not having that drive rn to code my own way to do it. but yeah also now that i have an external hard drive, my old work is better archived which i can add to my gallery site once i buy more space again.
im starting to get sleepy again and i feel cold so i will cuddle with my kittys and doze off again for a bit. see ya!
i ended up in the same dreamscape again. not 1:1 but pretty much the same sort of enviroment i keep ending back in during my dreams. its always some sort of school. a mix of my childhood school, middle school and highschool. elements of college rarely ever come into play except for when its about finding friends and stuff. it was a friend-esque dream. it was like a dream i had before but played out somewhat differently. it was like many of dreams i had before but played out differently...the same sort of ending. i am with childhood friends, there is a event that does not involve me happening and its blown into a major thing. part of me is involved just because i feel bad and want there to be peace. i need there to be peace. and then....i dont care. the one today i woke from, as we all reached the school after our flight on a h...horse? i dont know. transportation was crazy. it went from one dream to another. but we landed in our school. one friend was scraping the skin off other friends back in a fit of jealously and obsession during our flight and we were all unaware of it, only the weird glares and unruly comments they said. confrontations started since other friend was afraid. adults got involved (we were all suddenly like 11-13 yrs old). i was confused until like on autopilot, i went "will you look after xyz" bewfore inching away from the chaos and scurrying to my own thing. exploring the school, getting lost. the bathroom stall i was in prior wasnt right so i ventured into a different bathroom. i was in a cramped bathroom stall with loud music and chattering voices and something in me said "this is it". joy. i didnt know anyone. i didnt feel part of the commotion and laughed with others. i left the stall to find food. i got my food, the line was alot like highschool lunch lines. then i was on a bus with people i didnt know and i didnt give a shit. people i barely knew part of the commotion asked to sit and eat with me. i didnt care if they did or didnt, i was doing whatever. it felt great and adventourous. then i woke up.
ive been having alot of huge building enviroment dreams before they take place on a school bus (literally) into the unknown with people i dont know but its like i let myself become a secondary hands off NPC and thats when i feel joy in the dreams. in the dreams i am a major character, its like. nightmares. natural diasters, tornadoes, tsunamis, being shot or watching death usually my own before it goes third person with a commentator, a fail screen or closing screen. its weird and is what usually fuels a break upon waking up. the dreams where i take on a like...secondary role? like presented with chaos but i decline involvment and suddenly its like full exploration and joy. alot of the huge building enviroment dreams are just about exploration. typically im lost and moving aimlessly. especially with the church or garage/office building dreams those are pretty nervewracking to explore. well now that i think of it most dreams have some level of fear no matter how enclosed or open the space is.its only certain spaces that kick off the "i am afraid" feeling such as a school dream with a darkhall way and a hospital/nurse section. another dream with deadended fields. another dream where i just kept floating further and further away. its all crazy lol. but i dont know.
latest dream trend is me throwing in the towel situation i have questionable strings (meaning these strings are long worn and i dont know why they exisit) attatched to and then weight is lifted off me and i frolick away. my conciousness is doing a funny i guess. i donmt like it. i hate when they do this, because then i have the conspiracy wall and my hair is crazy and im laughing in a corner /hj. i dont want to read much into it other than well im just worn out and a lot of old strings are too. and thats life and its natural when they snap and go away. and it can still work out to not have the old strings. i will just say thats the little moral message my cartoon dreams tell me.
anyways site related stuff i have no recollection of what im supposed to be doing until i look through my entire site for some sort of "oh thats what they left off on" so im guessing i will do the build a bear DIY thing because i Did finish the bear its just....not that cute as i wanted it to be and im still contemplating editing her so its slightly more cute. i do have the pattern for smaller ones atleast. art wise i need to draw but ive been on and off having flare ups and generally i am depressed and had a mental episode which im trying to pick myself up from. and well look at the time of the month . pmdd is rolling in pretty strong. im not on meidcation to treat it anymore which i think is why its so extreme again. both libido and suicidal stuff. its not ideal and it got a nice dose of lighter fluid with bitch memories and stuff thats always been huge triggers for me. its more annoying than anything because i know itll pass and ill be fine again im just like man fuck off these stupid pussy thoughts got me trying to be an idiot again. ive been doing well and im not going back into that hellscape of misery and alot of frustration. oh yeah i also need to update the oc repository i nearly forgot but thats currently be working on again! we have a few updated things.
but yeahhh im gonna leave it here. im going to sit on my porch for a bit and then we're gonna doodle. i have no plans for sappy love day maybe we'll draw selfshipping stuff and being weirdo indulgent hehe. as romantic as i can outwardly get. most of the romance happens in headspace. happy early valentines day :P
i almost didnt realize i needed to make a new file for this month, lol. well i did! and i edited the blog to fit for valentiens day since march onward ill make it spring colors ^^
anywho things have been fine ive been less enerergized but its from a poor sleep schedule and lot of disrutptions. will get back on track soon so its not a huge deal. ive dived back into plush making to pass time and well, it has engulfed time. a lot of my hobby are a out of sight = out of mind sort of thing...because i pulled out my box of fabrics from my closet because i wanted to make plushies more a acessible, and then i was like "shit, i want to make a build a bear finally" and i had more than enough to make a plush of ree's fursona with the fleece leftovers from the fursuit head and i got to work. shes almost done, but not yet. she can fit build a bear clothes. i plan to FINALLY make extra pages for the blog where you can read about processes of me making things, like tutorial esque. the first will be my walkthrough of making the ree plush. excited to write that up when shes done ^^ i might make another plush once shes done, though one smaller just to get rid of some of the other excess i have. i need less because i want to put them in a better storage box and keep it neater this time around. cosplay & conventions are on the rise and i honestly would love to start making a cosplay.
other than plush making, i have done drawing, and thats really it since february started. sleeping too much and just well even though we get a few sunny days, i am still very low energy so idk. have been just trying to keep busy to keep myself from slumping over and sleeping all day. im annoyed the train line i use has increased fare prices because now a quick cheap escape to the city is....well not cheap at all. a big fuck you to me and others in a similar spot where they are in the low income bracket but dont qualify for the new system of reduced fare (this group tends to be college students who still on their parent's cases or whatever). why does america want college kids to suffer this bad lol. its kinda funny
initially this blog had a HUGE stupid chunk of text about my latest social difficulties (college friend junk and brain rotting social media posts triggering rumination), but by the time i finished writing out the worries and frustrations, they disperesed and we reframed and such and dont need to really worry about it now. boils down to the fact i love my friends who get that we are just how we are, and that when they walked into this taco bell they knew itd be tacos and maybe a light laxative by getting tacos from us. xD they arent expecting burgers from me, and i appreciate this so fucking much. the people that walk into this building and feel appalled by the lack of burgers or sub sandwiches are looking for them in the wrong place and i dont need to change my menu to accomadate htem when they wouldnt like the true insides of this taco bell anyways.
well, i guess thats that for this blog. first blog of february. take a shot every blog post made brings up social difficulties and you'll be swaying, lol. but seriously, things arent too bad. its just trying ot keep myself out of rumination loops or worrying about things that really dont matter to me until im guilted into caring by social media posts. anyways im going to try to finish my plush and hope my mom comes back soon so we can go to the store. i need rubber bands to do my passion twist hairstyle (wish me luck!!! it will be my frist time doing my own hair like this qwq).
i hope you are all well. see ya!