hihi wanted to have another journal above the last lmfao. i was in a bad headspace/having a meltdown. feelings are still the same but i feel less convinced its with ill intent and more just. my personality type is just not a good match for a lot of people that do approach me, and thats what makes me feel so damn terrible and unmotivated to bother with socializing all over again. i really question that ill ever really enjoy socializing longterm due to issues like that taking the wind out of me. like, idk. when im in a not foggy grump headspace, its something to revist and properly reframe.
anyways, i made a little cozy fort on my floor yesterday to help me relax in general and satisfy my urge to be enclosed in something, plus ree was really active. the nook is almost too small for me to fit in comfortably, but im making it work and adjusting it with more time i lay. played my DS in there, laughed my ass off to eric andre and will probably do so again tonight. check it out
only issue is the hardwood floor kicks my ass to lay on, i have to gather more blankets for the sake of my body. i dont want to aggravate a flare up by wanting to be in my hidey hole bc my body has been hurting like hell. i did a bit of walking yesterday and now im all crunched up limping over that bit of physical activity.
this week i learned that yeah my galbladder is kinda farting out on me and its probably a factor in our terrible tummy problems. good to know but also kinda like Ough knowing i NEED to really eat healthier foods but have no access to said healthy foods, so each meal im like wincing knowing ill feel sicker later but going without food = naseua, headache & my meds need me to have food in belly or i throw up or burn tummy. sucks butt but atleast i know something of whats going on. i wont even go into this situation anymore, its tiring now. im doing my best with what im served. i will keep fighting, yada yada.
im gonna try to do some art or something tonight. i ate unsweeted applesauce so far for dinner because i refuse anything else in the house (its all gonna make me feel ickier). i want to get out of my headfunk its alot of stuff piled up and i dont have spoons when my body is about to shed blood. until the fog clears, we do stuff to keep us from doing stupid things to self.
i am the failgirl
January 24th, 2024, 9:50AM
TLDR venting about irl social attempts / being a failgirl
good morning and happy wednesdayy ive been sorta pooped out since my mood high but thats typically how things roll haha. hopefully will dig my way out of this funk soon (when my pisshole bleeds). i think its just from feeling frustrated with not meeting the mark with irl friendship, but my pmdd is exaberating the headspace so reframing is more difficult. i usually brush/shrug it off. pmdd makes this hard to shake off or regulate. feel free to skip this one, im ventng about struggling to keep friends who are girls
i havent been wanting to hang with an irl friend i made due to my financial situation. i cannot meet her in the city comfortably because i havent been able to keep money for public transit or to be able to spend any for fun. she keeps wanting to hang out at places that need money. if i had it, sure lets fucking go but im not in the spot to do so (which i have extensively communicated since its become a huge issue). and she keeps trying to offer to pay for me and i refuse because shes forcibly covered bills before when i was able to pay. i wanted to pay for myself then knowing that life could go to shit and then id be indebted to her. and well thats sorta what it feels like now. she took me to lunch twice and a movie, and the one time i pleaded to let me paid, she only had me buy one item for her and bought the rest after i paid. i cant really repay her in anything except socializing, which her choices are coupled with spending money or im more indebt. she keeps trying to give me stuff and at this point its too uncomfortable and frustrating because i just feel realy bad. she always seems anxious when we did hang out because i dont emote enough, so hanging out means i have to mask to ensure shes not too worried. even on phone calls shes going "are you okay" because my voice isnt that perky like im fine please you are making me feel bad. it has been clear my ability to socialize isnt enough to suffice, so me not having money really digs a hole where its gonna end up being where another girl ive befriended will tell others i tramuatized them or something for well me being me.
like she has every right to be frustrated and upset because from her perspective it may look like im flaking or being grimy but dude i have been very transparent from the start that shit is kinda difficult and dont take my reistance as personal but ~_~ i just now have regrets for accepting frienship. every girl that approaches me that want to be my friend it usually boils down to stuff like this. and the worst part with girls is that they usually have other friends to go to and tell talk shit with and absolutely clown the person they have "beef" with. and god forbid they know a good chunk of others? lol. great stuff. i have been resistant to excited girls approaching me for a good amount of time because of my history with this bullshit happening. like man if youre trying to be a savior and make the lonely girl feel less lonely, fucking stop!!! just stop! fuck off! ive tried to hold back from being so frustrated with this but i hate HATE when it ends up going to this and i feel stupid as shit for letting it get to this because i end up being a lousy fuck for being default (a asocial poor autistic that isnt going to give you the world unless i have reason to trust you deserve it)
i guess i would be less mad if i wasnt aware of how shes probably going to go/ has been going about me not hanging out even though i stress why i havent (i dont have money and i am not accepting your money because it does not sit right with me). the way she would talk about her old friends tells me yeah shes gonna do what others girls have done and im going to be an evil nasty girl that gives her tramua. this should make me give less of a fuck but its defeating and makes me seriously put back up a few bricks on the walls ive torn down.
my luck with girls is laughable for me to be very attracted to feminine people. especially if the girl approaches me i dont know what the fuck these girls think when they see me with messy hair, shitty outfit and a resting bitch face and they think "oh she seems so cool" and even when we first talk i tell them "i have socializing problems / i got stuff going on but its not personal" and theyll douse me with so much affection for 3 weeks if i didnt ignore them (like nonstop "youre so cool" "youre so talented" "youre so real") before they realize that affectionate isnt going to make me any different then they still will go the "they were SO MEAN and terrible and used me :(" i hope you hit your toe on the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are why weird kids hate other kids especially extroverts you are so rotten!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus fuck! like this is why i used to want to put warning signs all over my forehead that i cant give them what they want in highschool because fucking people like this!! ruins all socializing for me!
i am low maintencne and dont need much and hate taking because it always gets thrown back with more shit! i cant ever feel comfortable with love when people are like this!!!!!!!!!! and this new age makes people so much more rotten about it because its an entire moral failing! i give up!
thy holy hyperfocus
January 18th, 2024, 5:40PM
TLDR blender rambles and showing, plans for more, talk abt med withdrawl
hi yall! been a WEEEEEEEEEEk. i have done Alot though, maybe not alot that can be shown for since alot was teaching myself more blender junk but, i do have this!
this is basically what the last week has been, but mostly the last 3 days as i came to animate the video xD it feels so good to be able to do this shit because i have always loved watching the 3d pokemon videos. now i dont need to buy a bunch of pokemon figurines to make silly shit! (i still will becaause well i like tangible toys they are so fun to sit next to me). also having this power allows me to make really weird stuff im so excited. but adfter finishing this animation i can properly rest haha.
i have some plans for next 3d projects theyll be collabs between me and ida....i need to make a animal crossing model for a friend, then a 3d model of a old toon character, then i need to try to make me Mii models. and like more stuff will come after i get better grasp on other blender mechanics.
im just very worn out now for both burst of energy making me tired and as nice as it would be for peace my family remains being a pain in the ass that triggers flare ups. does not help ive been in snri withdrawl for 4 days now (which has been fucking mortifying and i thank god i got into learning blender prior or else i probably would have doom posted alot). did a lot of back and forth bullshit with my psychiatrist and i may not have her anymore due to insurance. so i had to get emergency meds from primary care and my mom is only just now willing to pick it up. everyone whos been in and out of the house has prioritized themselves or buying weed instead of getting the meds for me but when it comes to paying shit around the house or covering their asses i have to immediately follow order or hell breaks loose. at this point i think they do it purposely because they know i cannot stand the stress therefore they act asshole so i do whatever is needed to make it stop. i have to make it stop or i become sick like i am now. and preventing me from access my meds and put me into stress attack whcih i bow down and do whatever (usuallky throw money or everything to make it stop)? . yep that is my life :/ i would probably still be hyperfocused but my mom has really been on one and now i am tired and flared up and just defeated again. atleast i will have my meds again. took a fucking fight and cost of my brain cells
despite that things are good. i cant wait to make more 3d stuff. im gonna draw some 2d stuff to keep my 2d skills honed. creativity wise everything feels so good ^^ and its helping me stay motivated and distracted from real life stuff and thats what matters.
i hope u are all okay and doing well! may u have a good friday!
CREATIVITY BURST
January 11th, 2024, 5:00PM
TLDR showcasing the stuff i done in the past few days!
HELLWOO I HAVE BEEN A CREATIVE COOKIE THE LAST FEW DAYS
i think making my clangen video broke off alot of artistic ice that overcame us recently & snapped us out a depression (im ignoring the fact how much my hormonal shifts influence our perceiption). but dude it feels great and i pulled like 2 all nighters making shit (im a bit manic)
anyways after i finished that video, i animated and itll be up on the same channel on friday (its scheduled) and then i was like "i should use grease pencil" but then i saw flattening 3d pokemon art on furaffinity and was like "god i wish i could make that" told myself to just figure out how to use blender so i can this time...and this time everything clicked!
this is the first model i made before figuring out weight painting and such. basically a barbie doll ill eventually dress up or rework haha. this model has a lot of horrible errors but was the learning point that gave me motivation for more!
after finishing the vessel mode, we were like Fuck we need to make more to pose so i can make ultimate indulgent bullshit! so i spent the last day and a half working on and making....
drumroll....
OUR BEAUTIFUL BOY SUNSHINE BOY BARRY!!! OUR LOVELY! OUR SMILEY. i did utilize a reference for this one (like aiming toward a specific model style). this is supposed to be akin to BDSP full pokemon models so our models scale nicely with pokemon proportion wise. this was also a huge learning experience which is teaching me what ill have to optimize on the next models to prevent so much clothes clipping, because yeah the shits clipping. and i build my models in a way im actually building the clothes over the naked bodies xD because it makes more sense to me to build them like if they were physical real....also i think it paves way for teaching me the physics of clothes and shit lol
im gonna do more models but a snow storm is apparently coming my way (yay illinois) and if its all they say itll be, i anticipate being unable to use my desktop. so im gonna keep riding this wave of 3d modeling. my biggiest issue doing this rn is the fact i forget to eat and drink water due to hyperfocus. but i am gonna take a proper break and watch tv before proceeding. this is just so fun to have!!!!! i cant wait to see how my work will improve in due time :D
so yeah! basically have been super into making creative stuff since im not in classes rn and cant find work xDD might as well hone in on my passions before im forced to supress them again :P
i hope you all are doing fine and are safe!!! take care ^^
roomates from hell
January 5th, 2024, 9:41AM - 10:16AM
TLDR vent about living situation
i started writing a huge rant but just deleted it because it wasnt very satsifying to even rant in an angry tone. basically the people i live with (mom and brother) are the most stubborn selfish assholes you could ever live under a roof with and im continously being fucked over by them and walked over by them. i was in a good mindset since the year started until mom did her spectacular cry fit and guilted me into giving her the money i got from a commission so she could pay her phone bill & get gas (as i needed a ride to my doctor appointment), and then proceeded to use that money to buy weed. i gave her the money i needed to try to cover overdrafts for my accounts from helping her thinking shed be sensisble and she used it for weed again. i spent the morning listening to her and my brother argue and my brother leave a fucking mess all over the place and act difficult instead of just fucking pick up after himself leaving me to scrub floors and shit while they did their own thing once they realized i was in panic clean fix everything mode. my brother refuses to cooperate since he doesnt respect my mom so i have to pick up after his slack to ensure i dont have to hear mom yell, scream, or break things or see them fight. i have to give mom money i dont have because he refuses to just give her a dollar he can easyily give away. so they end up being able to relax while they can just feel like theyve actually done something.
i feel silly because its moves like this thats why im not able to attend classes this semester. the money i was trying to save up for classes got fucked over or went into things my brother or mom could easyily have bought but spent on other bullshit or was too selfish to take care of. so i need to just quit being a dumbass because im never going to get out of this if i keep falling for it. i hate being naive and forgiving and understanding to them. i hate that im aware they both manipulate me yet i fall for the shit. and that when i need help they dont give a shit and turn a blind eye but rely on me to help them
im tired and feel stupid but i will figure things out and be smarter in the future. im going to ensure i go to classes this fall, im going to search for a car and i am going to get out of this because i have lost too many years to this stuff and its dehumanizing in a way that isnt euphoric. its not just
hello 2024!
January 1st, 2024, 8:38PM
TLDR new years cleaning, overcoming a cold, confuzzled robot feelies
WE MADE IT TO 2024!!! new years eve was chaotic. all i can say is that i wish that family members this year learn to take accountability & heal and get better and be better humans before people actually get severely injured due to their egos. that scary night is over and the new year is upon us so yeah!. im feeling pretty good honestly.
i did A LOT of cleaning today. all my email inboxes are clear (i got rid of over 60,000 emails across 3 email boxes!). i organized art supplies to optimize when i draw/use it and just tried to get dust and cat hair off alot. set up my journal since we're gonna get back into studying japanese, made a schedule for morning routine to help our brain relax before bed and upon waking to reduce night terror activity, ect. while yeah ive set all this stuff up, theres a chance we'll fall off but im going to try to enforce it for the rest of the system so we can stay in a good headspace. ive had a cold for 3 days now i think, and its maaaybe on its way out? i definitely have an infection due to the color of the gunk ive been coughing up and bad body aches. i wouldnt be shocked if a new strain of sick shit is floating about. a LOT of people we know are sick right now. i got lazy about masking up so now im paying the price knowing damn well we have a shitty immune system lol. i forced us to sip tea this morning while reading and while it was fcking repulsive despite rea's dousing of honey, it did soothe the worse of the throat pain. but cleaning and coding has distracted us from the worse of the sick feelings. typically we whine and shiver in bed during sickness but we stayed up and did shit this time around and actually stayed ontop of medication, liquids & steaming in bathroom to help break up chest gunk. we wanna get rid of the cold before our blood week begins bc thats a hellish double whammy
now that the bulk of cleaning is completed, we're just relaxing and making plans of what else needs to be done and mind wandering. mind wandering to many places i will just shake away isntead of rambling here about. i think im gonna play animal crossing or something to unwind for the night. mahybe a few sketchbook doodles or japaneese workpage, idk. im trying to get better with a lot of bad habits this year...and ruminating before bed is one of them.
but rn im rlly cold and need another blanket and need to stretch. and rea and ida are shaking to front as a duo without me to have fun and play so ill let them since we finished cleaning. i hope you all had a good day one of the new year
