looking at last entry is funny as shit now considering what im gonna write about now. i think like 2 days after that entry, i was like "man fuck it i Will harness the anxiety and relax and get benefits from this" and proceeded to tweak out on them hard. ill brief more later lol
anyways stuff has been fine. the main rut/fog for art is lifted and im back feeling creative. health stuff is typical (im dealing with it). gender crisises. being a NEET that is begging god to get hired while also dreading actual work because of how shit it's body is. feeling alot of stuff lately. im really living out my 20s in a Way, but im happy to live them out anyways
im spending time working on the site again because inspiration yahoo!! main issue is not having a good laptop to code on so sitting at my desk hurts when im all janked up, but im taking proper breaks to reduce pain and stuff. im seriously working on the plush part of the site now...like this i kept putting off because laziness & not having skillset at the time to know how to build it to how i want. now i know :D and i will make it. the main thing is wondering should i put it on its own site (like its own url) or just host it in my hub section...idk! ill build it and then figure it out from there. but it WILL be done. the oc directory can wait for when im more oc motivated bc i do plan to move it from the bootstrap layout --> my own layout. im gonna have to add neocities to my list of monthly bills bc i need more space lol...ill cross these bridges later
anyways, wondering about the whole edible bs? wellllll twig psychosis stuff said "haiiii!!! :3". which after asking others who do this regularly & having others try the same ones i ate is apparently very far from the norm. my main reason to dabbling into edibles is to help with my pain & severe anxiety and nightmares since none of my medication keeping everything at bay. and talk therapy is not accesible for me rn due to waitlists, cost, well informed professionals, ect. im doing everything i feasibily can to improve my situation without falling into my doom hole. for my disorders i researched how marijuana helps so many people with their symptoms, so for me to tweak out is really a "wow. haha this sucks"
by tweak out i really do mean it like. i kept pacing in a circle, seeing an eye/sun which i was truding thorugh sand to reach. i was literally like in a desert as a bibical person trying to reach the sun with other prophets. then i kept hearing music everywhewre and with every move id made, so i kept like dancing and twirling and tapping because the music kept pumping through my body and i started to feel it connect to my heart and if i stopped, i would exit earth. i kept ascending. it was always a golden eye swallowing me like actually before me. and i kept existing in multiple times (similar to our nightmares). like physically existing in other places while my body still sat in a chair. i built a bookcase at 2am thinking my hammering was quiet. apparently i was having conversations with myself while trying to talk to my mom because i thought she was responmding (she was not and eventually cussed me out).
prior to this, off the same edibles, they caused a LOT of wacky out of body feelings which sucks balls as a system because we get scared about being locked out the vessel and a doormant alter taking over. everyone felt like lost touch with the body for a few days and it was scary as hell to not feel like we had limbs or a head or not recongnize anything, because it started to jumpstart some other junk. like. ...the gummies were NOT that strong. no one else responded to them the way i did. t and it was supposed to help but i completely just...yeah xD soooo im taking a break from trying to figure out how to help myself. like...compared to when i first ever ever had edibles where i had WAAY too much for a first timer, i did Not lose marbles like that. but alas i thought i really was in the sands trying to reach a sacred place meanwhile my ass was in the kitchen scaring my mom.
ive had bouts of psychosis symptoms but not as visual heavy as the ones the gummies made me have. in highschool is when my delusional junk was the Worst. its something i still heavily struggle with, but not the way it had me reasoning in highschool. visual stuff has never been like That, nor has the body detachment to the severity i literally couldnt tell if i have arms or not. the limb detachment was super similar to a nightmare i remember having as like a 6 year old about my limbs being torn off by my siblings and i was taken down the stairs before i woke up and cried for help. im not new to dissociation/depersonalization but that sort of crap was like peak almost hitting threshold of bitch is not alright
all i know is that this experience is hinting that my ass does NOTTT need any mushrooms anytime soon. and that the stuff i though went away well it hasnt and maybe old meds did help,, experimenting is fun but honey it can humble you
so yeah, i laughed about it but the more i think about it im like....wow. haha. yikes. but its still kinda funny like damn why cant i just make fat sandwiches or say dumb shit when high. why do i be weird.
anyways thats really it...um. yay for oversharing. tomorrow ill build up more of the plush/toy part of the site. rn i am sleepy and itchy. gotta take lots of pictures. thanks for reading!
i dont really have much to write about? its just been a while since i made an entry so yeah!! not much has been up! just handling life. i should be attending fall semester with no worry. i just have to get a job still which is well, very fun right now in america to be job searching with limited transportation lol. im trying to not stress over it too much because its not gonna magically make me get hired.
ive spent the week attempting to just Be. liike be a 20's something instead of force illusion of productivity. because the notion of restricting myself from having a bit of fun for myself has been stupid. so i said ok wahtever and ive let myself drink and eat edibles again. neither are things i do often because of my control freak tendencies and being less in tune of whats going on with me physicaly makes it hard to actually relax and have a good time. alcohol kinda releases those concerns (ehhh) while edibles make me feel absolutely fucked goofy because im aware but im also not (also ehh).
like i have a good time but with both im clinging onto staying aware and fighting the tipsy/high out of fear of fully losing "myself". not that this self is something clear cut dry to hold onto but idk. its the terror of what may happen or what i may do when my awarness is down more than the little i let it. like i genuinely envy that this stuff helps others deal with the head noise. in a way my head noise gets Louder, but i just cnt do anything to quiet it. so im actually unable to quiet it while when with more awarness, i have the illusion of control which well i often let the noise suffocate me when i think i deserve it (my choice). if that makes sense. like its one thing to imprison yourself but losing full attatchment to your vessel is Uggehahah scary. what if someon e else goes in there or hurts it beyond repair. like i get convinced this is what dying is like in a psychological sense because i literally just dont feel in tune to anything. which im always aware of and suddenly i dont have words for it. it cant be what normal feels like. and internal headspace conflict because of how this illuminates our fragmentation makes shit worse. its like 15 of the same bitch in here and i rather not be aware of this
i get freaked out over my lousy memory on a normal day so after a high and i realize how stupid of a choice i made when high (i washed a empty can of cat food? instead of threw it out) it like makes me stupidly anxious like "oh no, what else did i do and will i get in trouble". like come on why do i care. i still think about this when its not even serious. like will anything remedy the worry of being in trouble? lololol
idk what else to write about. im still kinda high and i dont know how to enjoy it with how neurotic i am
hi party people its the 3rd of march...1/4 of the year is over holy shit. ive been such a sleepy fuck. the weather is getting warmer and life is coming back outside. its nice to see and fills me with more energy than winter(?? can i really call what we had as winter???). i have so much to get under control in like 2 months
things are fine. like just stale fine. dealing with arm issues but im working around it anyways because the xray is a month away...lmfao. im doing more stretching and icing/heating my arm to hopefully help it until then. god is punishing me for my NEET era atm. so yay back to the capitlism grind!! 🦅🦅🦅
from here on i am going to refrain from my monthly doses of bitching about the same stuff on the web by limiting blog use to webdev and sharing stuff worth sharing. unless i transform it into something artistic, it does not need to be read. life briefings will be limited to the first blog of the month like this. so yep yep. heres march's bitch episode
my month's goal i MUST achieve is to get a job because i am nonstop getting the piss for being nonworking and not in classes right now. my right to complain and throw a fit about this isnt really there because well, i am a NEET right now. my progress is at a standstill to everyone. the circumstances on why are irrelevant and if i didnt want to hear it, id have to move out or do enough to prove im not wasting air. because i dont leave the house or desire a partner, i am a bum who does nothing and adds to nothing. ive gotten comments like this my entire life even when i was working or in classes (its never enough LOL) but dude its getting really fucking agitating right now because my sacrifices in the past is why im "nothing" right now. everday i feel so stupid for being a naive dickhead bc id be prepping for graduation right now!!!!!!!!! i dont get to be upset/angry/fussy until i regain the right to exhibit those aka being a productive living thing. obviously i dont think this dumbass way of thinking translates to others. this is such a fuckass way of thinking. productivity = worth of life. alot of things that = life worthy i am being reminded that "bro u deviating from the norm that you reject and that is shameful since its not the norm" and it genuinely is hard to stomach but im trying to not let it get to me in That way (must be cleansed and repent), but just. idk. take the shit and clean it off and keep moving forward.
i will probably spend the night washing and doing my hair to try to boost a bit of self esteem (its something im trying to keep up doing more often. both for myself and to shut everyone up). paint nails idk. i realize prepping the body to look nice keeps people from being assholes. i love being taught the ways of the world!
anyways the site is something making me happy to work on everyday, so yeah ill keep updating regularly.
i hope you guys are doing fine. youre doing great