adventure diary

may 19th 2025

it was a slow day of mostly playing my nintendo switch and sleeping. i did go outside and sit outside for a bit. its gloomy and cold again and that does affect me alot tbh. i did work on a commission, technically completed it but im going to redraw it again lol. other than gaming, journaling, sleeping and doodles, i played with my toys and watched youtube. i recorded some videos and it was fun; they wont be uploaded. im just kinda working thru anxiety via recording.

i colored in a coloring book page before retreating to my bed (which is where im typing this up from). i was super anxious while coloring because of my intrusive thoughts, theyre so bad. but this did help distract me from doing my cycles. but i talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. the rest of the night will be playing some sort of game or just zonking offto sleep bc im very tired and i think it could be adding to why my mental is so crap. i cant say ive been actually sleeping when i sleep; my dreams are so intense and so is the ??/ movement? terrors or whatnot. its becoming comical, to say the least

may 15th 2025

it was a bit of a slow start today but i ended up getting it a bit figured out later in the day

kimby was a trooper today when it came to comfort. we also made him a bracelet when we were making others.

we're finally having 90 degree weather and shit. awful when its muggy. i sweat so much, oh my god. BUT this warmth makes sitting outside more inviting. we got these porch set from a friend that is moving, which is making a huge difference for me! i can sit outside and eat or just think on the porch instead of inside my room. which i did. i had a pack of ramen and added some imitation crab meat, frozen veggies and fresh spinach, garlic powder, salt and pepepper into it. very yummy

i played with plushies for a bit and did a ton of brainstorming and stuff. watched youtubes and took some notes. we did a good headspace meeting and well, im feeling optimistic from it. we'll be all good'

some storm systems came and went, we were unaffected but it came with a lot of cool clouds to watch. heres smeeps and pachi watching as it rolled over us. im gonna upload a recording i have of the two of them listening to the storm as it passed thru :3

may 14th 2025

i went on a walk!!! woop woop

these flowers were cool so i took a pic of em

i was painfully restless and anxious from the moment i woke up. i eventually felt Ok enough to play Neon White on my porch, but it did not last long and i was back too anxious and unfocused. but it was fun when i did play! its pretty hard to play but i realize its a lot easier for me to play it handheld than on TV or PC Monitor bc of how the joycons work and how i cross our arms when we play. i stopped getting the buttons mixed up in handheld :3

i attempted to record a toy video, but my anxiety won. im gonna try again though tomorrow.

i went to bed kinda :( but its ok

may 12th 2025

i sat out on the porch this morning. no walk since i was hung over and had the shits, but i doodles and absorbed vitamin d

i went to the library w my brother and picked up some items. i finished Babymouse because well its a very easy read...its a kids book series i grew up with. still so cute. i didnt think id actually read hyperbole and a half by allie brosh in its entirety in a day though (i would have gotten more books if i knew i would do this), but i did because i love a book that makes me laugh. my sociology professor reccomended this book, and id heard abt this book for a good amount of time now. i enjoyed it, unshockingly. i think this was the perfect time to read a book like this. yeah i could have read it a year or two ago, but i think this was a good time to finally check it out. i took pictures of my favorite parts (which are better w context of the book, but in themselves its still funny).

this one is so real. my favorite page i sent it to multiple friends

i drew some OC art!!!! holy shit. we're on a roll. i like Thinking up stuff with my favorite tropes teehee

i get like 10 mins of doing something in my interest first before im flooded with guilt and just bad feelings. and it makes me wish i did not ever experience joy! i cant fucking enjoy it without feeling bad for it!

may 11th 2025

i didnt write an entry for this day because it was pretty difficult and i woke up sad and went to bed drunk and high and more sad. but there was a funny moment within the day

this was on the frontpage of my youtube reccomended

i was crossfaded and already in a wonderful mindset when this came across my page and it felt like a direct sign from god (with itnerpertation left up to me, thats how he works). but i started to imagine attempting it in my closet and how id probbaly break it due to being fat, and then i would have to pay for it when i already cant afford a phone bill. so i laughed really hard, jerked off and then passed out. im adulting

may 10th 2025

didnt do much, i was hung over tbh. and it was a lot of system chatter and checking in on everyone when it faded.

hung out with my bro and his girlfriend, it was chill. i think its safe to say that sober or not, nothing really makes me enjoy talking or conversation unless my special interests are involved or the person speaking to me actually matters to me. which is maybe fucked. theres no cheatcode or way to shock my brain into enjoying it. and i guess thats why im like....ok. awesome

may 9th 2025

after 2 weeks of hell leading up to it, it finally happened. i graduated

i didnt want to decorate my cap but my mom pretty much forced me to, which was annoying, but well i made it to what kept me going thru college. which is kinda nauseating when i think ab tthe quote, so i will just not think about it after this LOL

this day was a blur, ill eventually think back on it with smiles and stuff

the place i chose to eat at was a success thank god. we came during happy hour, meaning the bill that could have been astronomical was actually very reasonable, cheap even, for a party of 5. i had two mixed drinks and sipped some wine. theres a lot of leftovers. it was good

the peak was getting Cinin at build a bear. my W of the day. i got this fluffy fuck and snoozed on his head and stimmed with his ears the ride home. floppy ears are amazing

i am just full of mixed feelings now, but i think thats normal. overall, i graduated and i did something good

may 6th 2025

i went on my morning walk again!!! 3x in a row!! hell yeah baby. first thing i did once i hoped out of bed. the sky was pretty this morning

the rest of the day was lost to mom

may 5th 2025

i went on a walk for the last two days in a row!!! hoping to keep this up. the morning air is awesome and i didnt have leg cramps once i drew art for a bit

mid walk kinda we got triggered by some thoughts tbh (never check phone during walktimes has been learned...). something something indebtedness something something defective yadda bad yadda yadda. started grumbling about how i hate being part of a system cuz were not on the same page. full on under the slumps mode before d and alex got ejected by al and i got left to front to my own devices (thanks al) and i started just doing whatever da fuck

we're in a constant battle of accepting that no matter how hard we may try to be "correct" that it will never be enough and it wont be sufficent. this is both a pain and a freedom. i really try to show everyone how much better life would be if we just realize how freeing it is to know that the constant attempts to be "good" and "pleasant" is futile. its a lot more fun doing whatever the hell i want bc we end up still feeling like a walkign sack of shit even when being "good".

i had to go shopping with mom again which is why me fronting solo was a good idea. i did not give a shart. it went well because i didnt give a shart. we're learning lol

enjoy my kitty cat meatball

look at my beautiful wife my melody i played hello kitty towards the end of the day and we collected pineapples and seashells together ands kept falling in lava

the day started rough headspace wise but al let me front solo to handle shopping since we were already kinda low and i think i did pretty good! i will be on my best behavior .... hehe

may 2nd 2025

it was my final final today, leafy was the homie for the day

i went to the art muesum to take advantage of free entry while i have my college id! ive been here a couple times but i still cant get enough of art yknow lol

ill talk more about art in my sketchbook entry, but man its like candy to stare intensly at the paintings up close to try to pick apart how they may have painted it and kinda envision the process.

muesum trip was cut a bit short because irl family shit. this has been miserable

obligatory bean pic lol

the final went alright, i was exhausted and over everything by the time it came around. traveled home and went to the plush pile to make the day go away

sleepy leafy after all the adventures. just the first of many this summer!

may 1st 2025

it was certainly a day

the morning was productive. i worked on commissions now that my PC is back. feelz good to be in the groove. i love krita

stuff with graduation has changed again, because i broke down and shit over the dress stuff. my dysphoria is out of the roof fucking with me. i can pick a outfit that has pants now, thank goodness.

pancake has been with me whenever ive gone to my bed. treaded here a couple of times to journal or just hug my buds. we played hello kitty island adventure together too

i feel like im being a massive pissbaby and ass right now because i legit am not handling anything well right now because its a lot of big stuff to me. and i feel so embarrassed and want to hide but i cant!!!!! its just....A time. its just a time right now LOLOLOL and im not being nice to myself, and i justt....i dont even know! it will pass! *sobs*

anyways i studied a bit for the final tomorrow. im in bed with pancake writing this. the white boy streamer of the night to protect me from stress nightmares is jerma. ill be outside a lot tomorrow (praying for bearable weather) and will suck in a lot of sunlight and bring a bud along so we can fight anxiety and do good on our final final together >:3 hoping to go to a muesum while i have my college benefits! today was embarrassing but tomorrow is a new day. im just sad scared frustrated all the motions. the climax to da chapter is whats going on

april 30th 2025

i hit the point of crisis where i went so far into it that it like shocked me back into being normal. its really funny how it happens for me and what i usually do to snap back. and sad. well, smeeps back bitch!

going outside every mornign to suck in the morning air is great. i need to take a proper walk one of these days and make it a regular thing after...i need fresh air.

my SSD arrived and immediately got it in and its workin'

i can say ive overcome the fear of playing around the inside of a PC. my family had me fuming by the time the SSD arrived so my rage allowed me to not give a shit and fix and clean the pc without thinking we'd break it. the power of being pissed off, it will let everyone else rest and let me do my job lol

felt really good to play hello kitty again :3 kimby was on standby and hanging out.

today was alright. my computer is back running and i did some cleaning up and whatnot. tomorrow ill start back on commission work and so on. friday will be my last academic final (woot woot) and soon the graduation bullshit will come and go

april 29th 2025

the weather was so good this morning. i wanted to talk a walk but i chickened out of following through. but i did stand around and take pictures of lycidas. yes, his name is lycidas too....is there any other lycidas you should know of? no, its just the absol and plushie lol

i spent all day coding and fixing up the site. got chicken tenders and fries for 1 cent. banger shit i love coupons

look at my idiot cat panini who keeps jumping into this box. hes silly and scares the shit out of me when i dont know hes in there

i spent like too long cenosring myself with this entry. lol. and i succeeded after 2 hours. tomorrow will be ok

april 28th 2025

i took the 3rd of all four finals today! honestly wasnt so bad. for as much info i missed, i think i did alright! 'slong as i stay around a B im fine with how it turns out. still so mad that there was one fucking question i spent like maybe 8 or so mins just trying to remember one fuckin word just to not write down the right one IT WAS SO EASY AND I MISSED IT LMFAO

anywayz, me and lycidas ate a salad by the water. it felt awesome today

my brother has seen through my bullshit when it comes to the graduation outfit. all i could do was bust out laughing. i have no words these days. i can barely get myself to type

my play desk is now put together. im so glad i didnt put my monitors over here. and i dont plan to always use my laptop here anyways unless its for like this (writing, coding). its just really cozy and with my lamp that gives a yellow light, it makes me think of my desk back from when we were like a tot. super happy to have this

april 27th 2025

slow day...well, not really? got 2/4 exams done with. tomorrow morning is the third. traded some furniture with my brother and now my room is different.

originally i had one big ass table. now ive seperated digital work from traditional art and writing stuff. the play area has to be organized quite a bit because a big part of it is making everything we need to use more very In Our Face. ill take pics when its organized

taking the rest of the day easy, feeling pretty roughed up and tired. tomorrow will be nice weather. a plush pal will travel with me to the final! itll likely be lycidas

april 26th 2025

i started the day with a salad which was really tasty! with the weather warming up, salads are attracting me once more, lol. i really love them. salads and turkey sandwiches.....here is to a summer full of them. halo and cheesecake were journey buddies today

i went shopping with my mom and sister for my graduation outfit. my mind was set on getting a button up, a wasitcoast or vest, some slacks, heels and a tie. i ended up with a dress as my piece. its the black dress to the left that i will wear. its buisness formal with a "sexy"" flare (shows a lot of skin tbh)

the rose corsette dress to the right i found very cute

my wardrobe has been neutrual or femme. i want to be more masc and the wardrobe be a nice half/half so i can have fun. i look forward to getting clothes i like

april 24th 2025

i sat outside for a bit with the squad to get fresh air. i did art today

it was okay today, i did ok. i ended the day with watching creature cases. this show is uuh interesting because like, theres so much ...i...i dont know what itd be considered. like i was mindboggled watching it because some of it just felt...like, bad? the show would work soOO much better if the cast weren't as anthro given how they write the characters and the comments the characters make about eachothers and species they interact with. IDK could just be me being sensitive lol it just really made me e_e when watching. ill probably finish watching it to see if it improves on this accord. so far its a pretty crap way of going about writing an anthro universe and presenting it to kids holy fuck

april 23rd 2025

another rough day. it started well, honoka came to class with me

i started to read another book (i have so many currently reading now) and its another thats pretty validating. it makes me want to pursue my dreams to be a researcher so i can advocate for what i wish was more understood, but i cannot exist in a world where my research could be used for harm

it got really bad quick. i cant remember if it was before or after this pic when i had a panic attack and blacked out a bit.

i left for home early once it did not calm. my entire body locked up and i couldnt breathe properly and everything hurt. it wouldnt end even after i got home, so i got high

first meal home was a premade potpie. vivian enjoyed it with me.

pancake came to give me some loving. fluffy baby

vivian joined the cuddle pile and watching videos too!

april 22nd 2025

wow, this day was hysterical. but you know who made it alright?

kimby!!!! he came to campus with me and kept me strong through the rough day. when i was freaking out holding in a meltdown in the bathroom, here was there comforting me. thank you kimby

april 21st 2025

today was kind of a mess. i was a mess. i socialized all of easter and pushed through 2 seperate panic situations, so i was already pretty run down when i woke up. i didnt give myself any grace.

but i ended up climbing out of the gunk! i did a coloring page to keep my hands busy and painted on myself, it was soothing!!

it doesnt feel like i really did a lot productive today due to sleeping through most of the day. i didnt do anything that like, looks like it was productive (like commissions, studying or cleaning) but i sat down and just let myself exist

me and bea implementing dbt skill we looked into today. funny thing is that this process of breaking down a situation is what we've kinda done through our nonguided journaling. but this is way more clear and accessible during the reflecting. doing things in steps really, really helps me. writing things down and seeing it in steps.

i dont know how to describe these clouds, but i love when its like this at night
- 🐇

april 19th 2025

started reading atomic habits by james clear! its a simple accessible read with practical advice and framing. happy that my brother lent it to me.

two caterpillars in da grass

april 18th 2025

silly day with the boyyyysss :3

i played with LPS and it was fun. recorded a little bit of it...man i need to do it more

april 15th 2025

it was a rough day mentally and we didnt have class. al sewed Kimberly a support vest because i keep looking at kids ESSA plushies on pinterest and i want our friends to have cute vests and gear for when we go on more journeys. there is a general health aid indictator and then a teal ribbon for our various difficulties

kimby is also able to hold our little flash/note cards ar1 made for us in hopes when we are home and kimby is near we remember to look at the cards during episodes. al will have to adjust this a bit but not right now