april 3 2025

watching:	common side effects
playing:	hello kitty island adventure
feeling:	exhausted, introceptive

oh this past week or two has been brutal. i can atleast say now my symptoms dont have me in a chokehold as of writing. i feel alright and more hopeful? my usual. just not wallowing

like...im still very nervous about graduating in a few weeks. im still drowning in debt. im still lost on who i really am. i fear the progress of my mental illnesses. im still honestly scared of people. i still dont know wtfs next. but i guess im reframing it, lol? like, in a non-suicidal way. shit sucks ass, but i atleast can do the little things to not make it so fucking miserable for myself, and then work up to tackling those big scary things head on. and its such fucking small things that sound silly to say outloud that got me out of the shackles; simple things i forget like...make me feel nice. this is advice that gets echoed to me alot. when im in a bad spiral, no reassurance or hope reaches me unless we from within take hold of it and see it actually be true. so yeah. um, im glad its passed. and i hope my toolbox we've curated keeps us from getting to that point ever again now that life will really be starting. i wont have slack to have these moments soon; ill have to push through no matter what.

literally my biggest thing that fucks me over is that i dont have self confidence and just fucking treat myself like shit. when we work on this self-harm CONSISTENTLY, things should improve in other stuff kicking my ass. its a process i have to trust and lord i do not fucking trust it. but i will try.

in other news, my bedroom has changed a lot. well, not really. ive just purged through a lot of stuff i dont care about anymore. culling through a plush collection is....a lot. atleast for me. i guess its a sign that yeah i am making some progress because i looked at everything and was like "dude, i really dont give a shit about these guys, i only like certain guys" and now ive cut the collection in about half. my decided priorities are now: pokemon, favorite fellas, copyrighted characters (cartoons, anime, ect), from brands (anxiety fox, itemlabel, ect), and setienmental (gifts from long gone friends). its a lot of mixed feelings, but overall a good thing because when i do find a new place to live, i won't be hauling multiple boxes of stuffed animals - it'll just be two or so. the ones ive culled, i intend to sell or donate. i really don't rock with the idea of throwing out stuffed animals, so yeah. ill blog about this again soon.

artistically, its been pretty shit. art habits aligns a lot with our mental state, so yeeeeah... *clears throat* hoping to get back into things now. im really trying to look at art with small goals -> big goals in the future. ive always been ambitious and hasty, aiming to make something fantastic; this way of moving is killing us. legit. with being a perfectionist and in general, just fucking neuroutic about so much, small wins can help leverage the imposter syndrome and perfectionism from intensifying our symptoms. right now, no huge plans. no major expectations. just fuckin' around and making some cash, esp until i actually graduate. just taking it slow. studies have been fun and help give me some push. watching cartoons and stuff again. make small stuff consistent. ill get to those big goals on our lists once i feel ready, not pushing it for it in a time im not ready. as of now, i am not ready to make something grand. i need to make some 5/10s or even some 3/10s if it means i finanlly fucking finished something.

its been like a weird grieving and honest process with ourselves lately. facing what we dont know is next, what we cant change in the past, and everything we won't swallow in the now. its rough but hey its some good coming out of all of these bruises, sobbing, confronting shit from inside, ect. im accepting i cant be fixed, i cant poof away my illness, im not going to function like other people, and well aint shits gonna shake unless i just actually, GENUINELY, embrace this thang that i am. just fucking live with whatever comes with being what i am, and know i can grow and learn better social skills even if i dont focus on masking. give up striving for perfection. realizing that i can keep trying so fucking hard to be whatever i think the world wants of me and i'll be more miserable keeping up with that shit rather than not caring. bc caring hasnt really gotten me anywhere i wanna be at. im sick of repeating this same shit for the past 3 years too. like, this has been the problem. sick of it still being an issue and why we get so suicidal.

after this first entry, im hoping to start blogging about outside journeys as summer comes up, alongside photos to accompany it. this is a long personal post just given everything i just came out of.