july 18 2025

well im under weather. its hard to pinpoint exactly why ive gone from 120 to 10 in energy overnight other than chalking it up to funny chemicals in my body, so my concerns last entry were valid lol. ive have 0 energy today, a prevelant depression and im physically worn down and hurting. i didnt do any physical activitiy intensive enough to lead me to feeling like this, nor is there any new stressor nor trigger i experienced. it will come and go as it does every time. maybe im disappointed and sad this is happening bc i thought the birth control was helping. well i know it comes and goes, so i just have that to remind myself of

anyways i watched the first 3 episodes of takopi's original sin after seeing a trailer for it - i actually went and started to read the manga first because im like "i dont wanna wait for new eps if theyre not all out" but i cant find the entire manga YET....lol. unshockingly i love it and it reminded me of my old series Cursed and the arc i didnt lean into. also Stars Aligns if it wasnt cut short bc it left off on a cliffhanger SAD! but yeah i like it alot. ill probably spend the night trying to find the rest of the manga to read (I CANT FIND IT RAHHH)

the night was Rough! but i made a cake instead of do what i wanted to do to myself and i colored in a coloring book and hugged a plush and drew cute art instead of the bad thing and i will go to bed still doing good!!!!!!!! i was good today and i give myself this credit given how much i keep crying today lel

july 16 2025
again, alot of coding. purchased the supporter role to motivate this coding train to continue as we invest into the site = its higher priority and means more than other socmeds we use

most of the day was spent troubleshooting the comment box form which will be on pages for series archives, current series and future comics

i have some worries of a mood drop impending given the way ive been up. idk if bc is making the difference though and i fear if birth control is the fix, if ill get my insurance taken away and then ill be back really unstable. alot of my concerns about everything and doing stuff is whether or not ill get to keep the good part long before its taken from me

july 15 2025
alot of coding done today which is nice after a dryspell. im really stuck in this mode tho bc now i like the layout LOL yay for compromise! bc last night we were considering splitting the site into two bc some of us like that super simple page setup like this blog is, and others of us like colors. and well the way we have the blog set up here allows firefox to utilize the voice reader! which honestly rlly nice. thats the plan on how we'll set up the pages for our series & writing

putting our sonas on the pages does make a difference for the aesthetic so its nice to have done it now. other shit im doing fixing how we display the library and then trying to decide how we'll make the oc repository part. its really me just not being lazy abt it cuz i think abt working on it and then i get like, this shit take too long (it rlly dont). although the new page is nice to look at cuz my sonas on there and we're gonna put our sonas on most pages :]


🦇 this thing is gonna release soon and Holy Fuck i need it FUCKing hell we wont have the funds but itd be awesome to get this guy for ree and lucas to have when theyre small and cuddle mode. might try to make something work to get it for them because im still the only one without a "plush vessel" and alexs really been needing more physical cues since hes back fronting alot. the last plushie we purchased for ourselves was....eehh its been a long time lol. because its hard justifying buying anything for ourselves but WE are trying (more like I am trying) to provide us with treats bc treats do work in terms of productivity and hapiness.
its just really hard trying to do so when so much other stuff needs to be taken care of. and like, legit, we have more than enough stuffed animals and they dont always play with them, but part of the reason we dont is when everyones too stressed out to even think abt them. so its like...trying to find balance. or well trusting in the fact that a treat can make the stress lessen both in a experience sense and literal sense (motivated by treat -> work gets done -> money earned to reduce debts -> less stress -> treat)

i guess ill continue coding through the night and make the updates live on thursday? unless someone else makes them go live earlier idek

july 14 2025


ive kinda framed what ive been doing lately an exposure therapy thing but its. its a bit intense at times given what im subjecting myself to - old communities ive dwelled in. we're being little ghosts examining what we left behind and what we mourn now and then. i sit and think about it. motivated by morbid curioisty and grief i guess lol
i think as i do this, its helping me secure parts of what we are today as i realize how much ive grown up and places i may have regressed in a sense? and why continuing to think of some of this stuff holds me back so god damn much as we look at it with in an objective way. we can let it go

i will say things are looking up a bit in that sense. we're getting places
and thinking differently which is nice. being kind to yourself does make a difference.
its mostly challenging to do consistently when we come online and start to expose ourself to discussion that lead us to overthinking the definition of goodness and shit on that accord. news flash, the definition of goodness in one bubble is the definition of evil in another, so heavy reliance on the idea of goodness will likely drive you to a misanthropic insantity if you take the herds word for gospel, especially when so much of it is built on fear and a curated image of goodness

so instead of ourselves immediately absorbing what we read and using it as justification to harm, regulate or remold ourselves, we're sitting back and questioning it. and unshockingly, it changes how we engage with it from that point on for the better because we arent jumping to trying to "fix" ourselves. questioning the shit people say and sitting back and recongnizing we can say "this is horseshit, i hate this shit" or "if they can say that with their chest out, why are we policing ourselves so tightly?". because we have foundation and self this time around. and well, it makes interacting with others easier

its weird tbh to do this. its difficult but is making a difference

this could be its own entry but im throwing it in this one since its about looking back on stuff and thinking differently going forward

i made this the other day when writing some of wrenpaws flight because its a theme in the series i dabble into. looking back at my youth and my frustration of today with never finishing anything, giving up projects, shooting myself in the foot, blueballing myself, straight up slamming close doors that opened up for me and so on. pinned it down to the fact ive always given up, not because i didnt believe in myself, but i gave up for someone elses comfort - fear of following because itll "hurt" a loved one. i can recongnize now that it is not neccessary. it never was. and well holding onto it wont change younger mes descion to give up. i just know i dont have to anymore

july 12 2025

an entire week since my last entry and since i temporarily removed the blog from my site. its back now. i think last entry rlly captures what my pmdd sends me through. i started birth control today as well its first day of bleeding and man, haha. i prayed during my walk this morning that it is the key to some stability. but well day 1, itll be some time. but i am experiencing emotions and it is not very nice lmfao. like its a weird bad fog i had when i had a mental break on lexapro, so its Ehhhh!!!!!!!!! we will see. gonna be a good critter about this because it Could be the answer for the physical pain. today, not so much BUT in the future as i endure this temporary unpleasantness, yes, its a chance i get less pains and cysts AND dont feel like a girl (if this makes me stop bleeding!! :D).

my energy is constantly up and down. the worse of my "i have 0 human rights" is a bit lessened. i kinda got that under control, somewhat. it comes and goes BUT i am actively trying to combat it when it happens and dispell it rather than soak it in and believe it. so yeah

i think it being day 1 of period and fucking estrogen coursing through this shithole body making me want to rocket out of my chair out of the window. its like shit like this, its super stupid. and like taking birth control was a complete fucking fuck you in a way to some headmates because its like...yeah, we wanna be a dude but ok, we're gonna take yummy estrogen pill and our tits will get fatter. i dont want tiddies and i dont wanna be dummy thicc unless a goth bitch claims me. so i guess ill look more into the bc effects on the body to dispell worries or like, try to reroute dysphoric thoughts into something better? but it did give me art ideas of what ive been wanting to do for a while. force fem......if i get forced fem so should the drawings. im just all over because yeah im just in a grumpy spot reasonably so. i dont even go into finacnail situation, its very whatever at this point and i keep saying to myself ill start chopping off limbs and ship them to all the places telling me i owe them cash

july 6 2025

im super frustrated with my self policing again. but me venting turns into a very ableist filled paragraph that rehashes stuff my mom has told me and stuff ive synthezied from observing social interactions in hostile places online. this what i venting about is mostly my synthesis / internalizations from online activity since ripe age of 10 or 11

so tw for obsessive thoughts ? 

~ things ive self-policied due to the uptick in my OCD and other disorders and my reasons behind it (which yeah, some are bizarre but well. (motions to my brain) ~

- whether or not i am allowed to draw certain fandoms ~ could end up being reposted and accessible to minors = minor accesses my work = i am injuring their psyche because they are exposed to me (art is not for kids AT ALL & could lead to them being tramuatized by proxy = they experience same horrors i experience = i tramuatized a kid by existing = i go to hell) ~ literally this haunts most of my online activity and why im really anal and weird about my art not being reposted because this possibility and the way people will jump to saying the sheer act of drawing nsfw of any kind is the equivalent of child abuse. i can acknowledge how ridiculous it is but again its just a pain in the ass i struggle to escape because of my ocd just doing what ti does. i was able to not give a shit and recongnize this as stupid but its 

- commenting on art ~ usually when i comment on art i end up deleting it or convinced i have to delete my profile because i worry people will see me comment and get upset that i did so and get angry at the persons art i commented on since they did not condemn me or block me for commenting

- partaking in ANY online social events or community spaces (ie. game jams / art jams / fourms) ~ this isnt even limited to art spaces but i also deny myself chatting on other fourms i lurk on or in discord servers because i am convinced people will get annoyed with me or i will speak wrong, or i will get dm'd by someone who senses my weakness and then i will get roped into a situation that ends with me never visiting the community again because the person that approached me will get everyone to punish me in the event we did not stay friends = partaking in commnunity is risk of developing a connection to a person whom at which is likely to dominate over me and then utilize said power within that space unless i remain at their bidding within pms/dms = i will get tracked for any behavior that falls out of line (i have ptsd)

- doing any art long term without providing free art ~ people looking at my work = they offered me their attention = i must pay them back somehow in whatever they want = posting art means i create debt because people look at my art and i owe them for looking at my art or they will be angry = this usually is why i go in art block or AWOL

- my inability to purchase commissions from anyone who commissions me = i am a bad person = i try to avoid being commissioned so i am not a bad person because i do not have funds to buy commissions = to buy commissions i need to sell commissions = selling commissions comes with me also not being able to make up for the kindness of someone offer me a commission = yeah it just goes on from here

- updating my website. again, i dont know but i get blocks about updating my website especially because of the recent activity timeline on neocities which i should not care about and i try to put in perspective how i interact w it (browsing sites on it never leads to any anger or frustration or feeling i need to tell someone they are vile or human sludge needing to be removed from earth) however i 

the thing is i could go on. these are just some of the main ones ive sat back and thought about today because of how pissed off i felt when drawing and id start drawing but then go "no, im not allowed" like i AM allowed. and if someone literally commits suicide because im drawing myself hanging out with a pony then man is that really my issue? because its a zillion people on the earth and so many artists and i should just be able to draw and not somehow fuck someting up or get my soul sucked out of me because i dont mask

                                    tags - personal, mental health

july 4 2025

status - fried af because other headmate peaced out for a bit
whenever we're high, we're able to look at our symtpoms as a whole, well look directly at our alters / the squad. like what presents is what makes her up, that sorta thing. xray vision?? xD
its so hard to explain this. i could draw it out but itll be so stupidly toony and goofy looking instead of something etheral like lucas could pull off. being able to exaimine all of it is both horrifying for us all but comforting, when we're able to actually see and understand it better like this. which is the annoying part in how it works. with barriers up, so much resentment builds because we lose ability to understand what is going on. its this. this is what could be without so much of the fog and i feel guilty and bad for some stupid reason that it isnt.

also funny enough, us leveling up our dissociation was inspired by the extact fears of last entry because i was told directly of how good of an influence i am and how important i am to one of my cousins and you could only imagine many sockets blew out and caught on fire bro its fucking hilarious

so many of us carry this terror and in so many different ways

one has claimed sisyphus as their image i wish i was fucking joking

                                    tags - personal, mental health, plural

june 30 2025

ima be on bc soon which is lame asl but we will see if it keeps us from going apeshit on ourselves. its crazy that the option to get my insides yanked IS possible, but my stupid fucking age and ppl assuming i want kids bc PUSSY = "no its extreme uwu". bestie i dont want kids, theres enough in headspace. i cant really interact with living people without full of dread that one wrong gesture or word will make them kill themselves. i get told im great at babysitting but im scared the entire time i babysit any of my family members because i start thinking about them dying or me not being able to save them from horrors and because of how persistent the thoughts are, i just mentally tap out and im not present at all. ive always felt guilty because im not affectionate either like cousins will hug me and i push them off or i just stand there because ive always been scared it might make them suicidal or something. like im not good at babysitting as i am extremely detatched and my cousins have noted that lol. this is why me having a psych degree and everyone around me encoruaging me to be a preschool or kindergarten teacher is ridiculous. they will see me interact with my little cousins and babble with them but its because my fucking alters co-con lol its not really something i want to do at all, its not from a proper place

                                    tags - personal, mental health

june 28 2025

im inspired to take control of my life again. make my arts. not sit in the house endlessly. join society and walk among it. draw outside. breathe the air. ive officially been a graduate for 2 months and with 2 weeks of not being around my mom, my head cleared a good deal. i have hope? its funny because i spent a week looking into mental health facilities, convinced that would be the path. ehh. i want to go outside more.

i just worry about when this fades again, when i go back to wanting to hide and feel as im breaking rules again for breathing and thinking independently, taking risks and having color. when moms back. once i work again and the same sort of pangs uproot all of this. once its the second half of my cycle where i stop existing. and when i feel like im breaking rules again by existing. 

but i mean maybe that should be the point? like itd be a sign that im doing stuff right. if i feel like im breaking rules by existing, then that makes im breaking out of old patterns and im actually am staying myself. and soon i wont care about breaking the rules. i just have to stick and push through that storm of shitty feelings that overtake me

im torn about doing so because joining society means i will have to follow some of the rules that comes with it, and it pisses me off to think about it
because while im still raw and healing, i can easyily fall back into the same shit. i just dont want to keep going in that circle. i want to do things but still build and find myself and it not get lost again. because i so often say fuck all of it and take the easy route (give up and do what i was conditioned to believe is safe or meant for me). im so sick of it. i want to stick around longer than a couple of days. i WANT to stick around longer than a couple days.

                                    tags - personal, mental health

june 17th
more v6 of the site work done today! a lot of progress with the new theme! going gamer mode and unifying it a bit, yeah? and well, again ive reset the adventure journal/diary, however past entries can be viewed here if you want to check them out. its just w this new approach, we want to make the everyday journal where we can compile anything!

i went to the library this morning to drop off rented games and picked up The Art of Across the Spiderverse!!! my library also has the art book for Bojack Horeseman so i may check that out next. i think ill send in suggestions/request for other art books to be purchased! (one aweosme thing abt local libraries that accept requests - more than oftne they do fufill the requests (atleast in my experience!)). sometimes the fact i can do this gets swept out of my mind.
i made one of my many comfort meal today for lunch, the ol chicken crab alfredo! 
        

            
comfort food - chicken crab alfredo
                ingredients
                    
pasta of choice (i like egg noodles or penne for this tbh)
                    
raw chicken (tenders, breast, any kind works)
                    
seasoning(s) of choice
                    
olive oil or whatever oil u satue stuff in
                    
frozen vegetable(s) of choice OR fresh spinach
                    
imitation crab meat / surimi
                    
alfredo sauce (homemade or storebought)
                    
cheese (for taste)
                    
food coloring (for a silly time)
                process
                first, i always satue my seasoned chicken and then shred it while it cooks.
                in the same dish you cooked your chicken in, toss in your veggies of choice. i usually use frozen veggies or just spinach and i let them steam into the chicken
                after the veggies are cooked, i toss in my imitation crab chunks/shreds and satue them with everything
                after theye all a bit crispy, i pour in the alfredo sauce
                let it simmer and soak in the sauce, stirring.
                enjoy ur pasta!
        
it was great. i forgot to take a picture of it unfourtunately LOL
                
i made eggrolls for dinner but they werent the best tasting? i think they changed the recipie for these wraps i use for them which is VERY upsetting but whatever, it was edible and i ate a couple. drowning them in sweet chilli sauce does the trick.

        
i watched digimon while eating and then i played some pokemon MMO with my brother
tomorrow may be a big stormy day which is a bit exciting/scary. im just hoping i keep power if we do get anything big because itd suck to have a whole week here in the house and then no electricity LOL
                                    tags - daily recall, coding