8-29-2025
site updates yipee yaaayyyyy!!!!!!! feels good to get it done but god i fucking hate our desk again. our chair makes us take poison damage basically but i do not have money for a new chair so we will likely have to work from our laptop and limit desk time until we get a better chair.
working on our posting anxiety is hard bc it like fuels one of our delusions and its like. its fuel but also a way to combat it? but at the same time its like paralyzing and makes us bark at nothing or start the spiraling bullshit. im able to recongnize it is irrational, but that literally means jackshit because i truly feel it is the reality given the kind of delusion it is and we end up finding signs of what may mean its real and its like .... Man. So its like more of the "it is what it is" approach lol
motivation is up and down. i went out to a park today and took pictures and stuff for reference material. thoughts abt animating but Ough
estrogen making me have the worst gas and indigestion ever. why. also my boobs. WHy
8-27-25
i was gonna hold off posting this update until i made the 1st essay i wrote live, but ive reconsidered. i want to let it simmer longer and revisit it a couple times bc after rereading, its disorganized and im still struggling to feel like what im saying is what im trying to get at...trying to find the words for it. it will be easier to put my finger on as i write / make more of Wrenpaws Faith since it tackles one of the themes, being the detrimental effects of the "gifted" label alongside other themes i wont explicitly explore in the comic due to it not being applicable to cats.
i just dont have a lot to say right now its just been the cycle of picking myself up and trying stuff and then getting an external cue that it is not enough/what i should be doing/not fufilling a vision. and then i am swallowed by shame and then its back trying to convince myself that its ok that i am alive and do what is helping me right now lol
like its a bit buttcheeks the way alot of this is happening but i have to see it as like a test by god haha it makes it feel less cruel to view it as an intentional challenge like in a video game. i am at a major low, like outside of a mental sense i dont have shit to show for and i got no way to defend myself anymore, and i am trying to finding my footing and im having to brace and take some bullets here and there and i fall down but im getting back up. so i am proud of myself for getting back up. its really hard and well writing this i am now crying lolol. why does talking about things be what makes u cry?? i try to cry so often and nothing comes out i just lay there and then black out. and rn im sober, which makes this feel weirder for it to randomly come out. i consider it a W for this reason, and well i still shoved it back in because MMmm. maybe when im in bed i just dont like the sensation. curbing it did make me tense more so uueeee ill head to bed after finishing typing this
i know this will all be something i look back on when things are better. itll be alright. alot of this part of my life is allowing me to feel less scared like i used to feel scared before. all the worries about being seen as a failure and letting people down - well, it doesnt kill you. even all the shame and struggle to go outside, you still live and you wake up and you can go stand in the sun or go out at night when everyone is sleep and look up and squint at all the stars the world doesnt break in half. this will be a memory. i would say "let this be a time i forget and it fade", but with all of this, its taught me stuff and shit and well, like a wisdom or something. let this all pass, but may i never forget what i learned in this time
ok, i want to end on a light note: im having vivid dreams again. i took notes on the last two that had me knocked out of my shoes when i woke bc i want to illustrate them
8-26-25
the blog got a css upgrade to accomadate when headmates wanna sign off on entries lol. it pictochat vibes now which we like ALOT and maybe we will lean into it even more within coming entires
most of my days are blending together and im not really helping my case much but im trying anyways
here's some TMI shit: we're gonna start a new birth control soon. this is in hopes there is stability in terms of hormones throwing us for tailspins both mentally and physically. the new one should hopefully work better due to it being monophasic
so uh, yeah theres an essay section on here. the individual sunflower pages is being phased out AGAIN because well the way we went about it was like shoving it into a little corner and have it seperated, when it just makes for excess and updating annoying. noww its just more intergrated but we still will have our own lil corners. those updates to come soon
HUGE PLUSH CRUSH RN OUGHH thanks plush tag on tumblr. ive seen this dog for some time now and GAWD I NEED HER. the outfit is very cute but ouhhh making her an outfit thats more alt and stuff /....in general shes so cute Wuff. we havent bought any new plushies in months!! we sold a couple if anything. we missed out on getting the bat from build-a-bear to be Al's stand in which sucks but we'll always get another chance to get one, or a plush that suits better (as al is leaning to another species). idgaf about the bat plush as much bc im not gonna cuddle with it. this gal? i would cuddle without second thought AND MORE>............HAHH. heres to hoping things work out and we start having income for treats
man this summer took me by the nipples and twisted those bitches so hard
like since i turned 23 things have been mollywhopping my ass relentlessly
but i learn alot and well im learning and whagshjkkjgdfg
itll pass and itll be ok
ive started my webcomic now. i really need something like it to work on rn and im not gonna put it off longer to try to develop it further. itll grow with me. its got a pretty good/fun basis rn and thats good enough
like when thinking abt my struggles in my art rn, working on a webcomic will help strengthen the weakpoints (consistency in size/shape, backgrounds, shading, expressions, framing, ect).
and becaue i aim to post a page once a week, i have to be productive, which will keep me on my paws and working on commissioned work too. al is setting up a visual schedule for us and just try to make everything inviting and accessible tomorrow so we keep moumentum and keep having fun
ill be participating in creativeclash this september, which will be a lot of fun and also help with the art drive issues im having. and im doing it to encourage me to not isolate and to talk to other artists and stuff. im trying to engage with the communities again instead of keep this weird belief ill get killed or people will hate me or get mad at me. maybe because i realize how little it matters in the long run
im under the weather rn and its been a lot of "as long as i dont sit and think too hard i wont feel bad". but with as bad as this has been im doing the opposite action stuff, which is like Nope no isolation no give up no yadda yadda yadda i rlly cant do that
like other day i had to go to stores w my mom and it felt Ough because its like seeing people my age and younger working and im like "these people like me are functioning and here i am" (me being a dick to myself --> get pissed --> crash out) and ontop of that kind of bad feeling, im just in general having such high anxiety in stores when theyre busy like holy fucknuts. its busy out since kids are turning to school but it was just so many people and i didnt want to go near anyone. usually i explore a lot in thrift stores but it was so busy i just stood near the books instead of my usual rummaging all around the stores until my mom was ready to go. and then i start thinking "how the fuck am i gonna keep a job when i do get hired?"
ik this thinking will pass esp once i get hired somehwere or overall improve current situation
and well i have to go outside these next days because ill need references for my webcomic *taps my noggin* u see how i play this game? the power of art. the power of art will help me overcome all of this. its always been that thing to shake me into my senses and its why no matter what ill always draw. and well i been watching pokemon again and playing animal crossing
i do want to make a more solid goal of updating the site or atleast work on the shrines and stuff. al will do all that background planning and claws crossed this place has stuff to check out alongside all the other shit we'll be doing
while we considered it yesterday, i am not going to deter or stiffle my attempt to be an artist online again because of what occurs behind closed doors. my erratic behavior is always from shit happening in private and it sucks how this always is the destabilizing factor in what im doing publicly and job-wise. each time it happens, i burn my own progress into flames for nothinburger
i will say, i recongnize that the level of openness i offer online and me giving benefit of doubt enables a lot of these precarious situations. alongside me worrying about being percieved as mean or unfriendly. Oh, that worry is quelled. my growing repulsion for being told i am kind or sweet have come to a budding head these last weeks. i might bust a nut if i get someone to call me a bitch! shits so bad its gone positive! or maybe i come to seneses from how many times i bashed my head agaisnt things last night. whatever it is it atleast allowed silly alters to come to their senses and know yeah lets not be silly anymore. however recovering from this blowing a gasket is a doozy on my body but im alive yay.
this one truly one of the worst summers of my life so far but dawg i have learned alot so its aleast not complete shit the way it is rn! i can recongnize that everything that is in flames at the moment will get better/improve. all of this shit did teach me a lot! its awful and i am suffering but oh, oohh i learned!! haha! WISDOM!!! YAYYYY
the site should be back accessible now through the night. may the way i am going forward serve as gunshots to scare off ending up in shit that makes me go crazy. it wont be awful forever. i cannot lay around it let it progressively worsen tho. nope nope
