November 2025
I've always had a weird relationship with religion and faith in general.
I went to church and Sunday school growing up but I couldn't tell you jackshit about specific parts of the Bible or what was being preached. I was baptized but I never learned to speak in tongues or understood the point of it being so important to begin with. The most times I've prayed were for the wellbeing of family or people younger than me suffering. past that it doesn't cross my mind to do it, because I've always felt weird about it. I still feel weird about it, even more so these days because of how I've been trying to process how life has been going and how I'm realizing how the world works. and I guess with questioning authority and claims ive gone so long following and allowing to rule my life and mind makes me question the highest of authority. and it's a bit scary? but I think it's needed for me to make progress.
I've identified with agnostic views with all things considered so far. I don't deny the existence of God or whatever higher being may exist as I do believe there is something- just not one that may be what others say there is - there is no way to verify this/these beings existence or what they do for us. The Bible's existence freaks me out as it's a book that's clearly up to interpretation after learning about other religions, but many push that it's the rules you must live by when there's no true verification of what is written or who altered it. I see the Bible as a form of art or story, not something that should be lived by considering people pick and choose what helps them in that moment, whether for good or bad, from it anyways. I guess that's kinda where a lot of my wondering about my faith comes from, because this interpretation of the Bible as an art rather than this rule to life makes me question so much of what was embedded into my life and how I work and many of my fears. While I may not have been obviously religious, its very showing in how I think and was raised.
To fully digest that the Bible is an art means I can let go of upholding the claims that I was given a gift from God and blessed like the way my family claims I was since I was a young girl. I was blessed with my arts and intelligence and they were God's gifts, the claims of being chosen and needing to fulfill a duty.
To digest that the Bible is an art means I can let go of believing I am wrong and will be punished for making decisions that are in my own interest. I can let go of believing that to constantly put myself down and suffer is something that will make me go to Heaven because it is good and helps others.
To digest that the Bible is an art means I can let go of feeling convinced that I will always be punished and made to suffer if I disobey, whether that be from a direct source or higher one. That I will always suffer unless I do right. I can forget that there is even a right way to be.
It means I don't have to be so afraid or think that someone will punish me if I step out of line in any way, even if I'm doing something for my well-being, because to not make someone happy means you are bad and when you are bad, you get punished.
I can't express more how much the concept of punishment and retaliation has run my life. I do think it fucks with me this badly because I grew up watching people be punished as a way to keep me acting right. It worked really well. It pains me to realize how well it worked and that alot of ways I was encouraged in life was to keep this form of control.
I find myself frozen with fear that someone or something will retaliate every time I make a choice or do anything for myself. Every time something bad happens, I have to fight the thoughts that it's due to a previous decision I made and because I didn't punish myself for it, that the higher being is doing it for me. It's terrifying to not suffer, because once I suffer again, I believe it's because I was bad and I'm being punished for not doing the right thing (whatever choice I didn't go with because I didn't want to).
If there's a higher being that plays this fucked up game with people, is this one I really want to value or think about if they're this cruel? No. And the thing is I don't have to. I guess it's what I'm realizing as I really process that the Bible is an art, and with that I can view it how I see other art and recognize that its just about interpretation and assignment of power, both good and bad - that it's not a real source of how one should live or be because theres its fucking art. Everyone's gonna see it a different way.
Of course thinking about this makes me worried about being cosmically punished if Christianity is The Way, but at the same not really? I actually feel more secure going “this is bonkers” fullway instead of kinda clinging to it out of fear. Letting go of belief that the Bible is a way of art allows me to feel more secure in the mysteriousness of what higher being I believe exists and connects with, because nothing about it can be verified and made out to be a certain way except for what it is. I personally find it hard to believe the real higher being would be as cruel as I've come to believe does what it does. The Creator I believe in doesn't punish you. It doesn't feel threatened by you and it's just there for you to guide you unconditionally in the ways it can, no resentment or costs. I can see the world better this way, less bound by what exists to be seen in many ways but not something used to justify control.
This has been on my mind and heart a lot since its such a pillar in my mental torment and inaction. But as I come to terms with letting go of old beliefs, I just feel less afraid of doing things. Existential anxiety coming from PTSD is fucked. Being afraid of everything when you need to be there for yourself because you think God will punish you sucks. It's hard to overcome this but I'm getting there. This is definitely going to be tackled on in Wrenpaw's Faith btw, it's kind of a huge part of it so yay for the story being even less original and more of a memoir or whatever about my young adulthood crisis. Wrenpaw's Faith does have a good ending and I feel mine will converge with it, which will be very satisfying.