November 2025
hanging out with people tends to end with me feeling like a bundle of frustration and confusion on why i even did it. i end up leaving feeling like i'm marking something off a to do list id been avoiding for months and dreading the next time it'll pop up on my tasks.
its bizarre because the hangouts are actually fine and i'm pretty sure if another person experienced it they'd say it was even super fun or fantastic, but i don't know if i can say that myself. that's the issue. i do end up telling myself it was very fun and fine because it feels rude otherwise since it was fun by definition, but there's always the sideways feeling of "i do not like people, i think id really be best solitary" no matter if it went well or not. i feel this and feel really rude and it frustrates me because i'm not sure how else to get myself to feel otherwise. it doesn't matter how lovely a person is to me or how understanding they are, it doesn't matter if we do something i really want to or don't, its like i don't reach the point of joy that i'm able to reach on my own so i just wonder why i'm doing something with other people if it ends with me feeling conflicted and "wrong". its upsetting because i do have ability to recognize that it went well and i was shown kindness and it should feel good, but i still turn to my feelings that i really might be best suited doing things solo or with like, the lowest expectations ever where i can be within a group of people and left to my own devices because i just feel messed up or whatever.
i really am trying to lessen how much i mask, but with it comes more crappy feeling that my behaviors and ways i am unfiltered are like, actually troublesome. and from this i then start feeling like i need to have other qualities to back of the fact i have these "antisocial" behaviors or some bizarre shit due to me believing ill be smited for being a bad human and shit (because i don't enjoy or gain much from being around others). especially with my whole existential crisis arc i'm going through, a lot just feels unnerving because at the moment (however im not going into the extent of it because itll get ridiculously long and nonsensical bc ill be inclined to provide context for every fucking part of it)
i dont know why it ends up feeling this way, and i end up feeling so grimy about it when i realize my reaction to hanging out is abnormal or rude. like is it because i masked a bit or because i just dont like being around people in general? and is this a sign of something worse in me that should be kept away from others or??? its this kind of thinking and i hate it and its ultimately annoying to end up going here mentally and feel stuck in the thoughts because i do feel terrible for being this way, but it is well how i am. even if im told its fine and even if im given grace, it feels awful because i don't really understand why im actually given grace or being given some understanding and i just feel a pressure to not fail them and hurt them due to my inability to function how i believe i should since im being given kindness. and i guess i end up feeling they really do deserve better even if it doesn't bother them that im gonna poof away for a while while i tweak out and shit over being visibly neurodivergent
i dont think im really a misanthrope because i do care deeply about like, people. and i prefer to do what is actually helpful and good. i get annoyed with people engaging in behaviors that are unnecessarily destructive or cause strife in others. i feel very deeply motivated to do what i can to help if i have the means. but i guess i feel better when im not directly experiencing like the beauty of what people can be. i doubt the good and find it too much to figure out if its bait and prefer to stick at a distance with it or not engage w it at all past surface level. and it stinks because we as a system do have moments of deeply wishing for like, something close and where the stupid gunky soft shit can show but even that isnt immune to when i feel utterly apathetic about doing stuff people gain stuff from. even if it feels like i can say i love someone, theyre unlikely to be immune to when i prefer to be on my own and when i struggle to grasp why they even deal with me and waiting for when they'll go away so im not having these feelings or feeling pressure to act better.
alot of this boils down to me being mad at myself for having mental health issues. ive been really frustrated with myself as with less masking comes what i think is like more disorganized behavior in terms of being a system and its just making me hate going outside or doing anything because i feel like a freak and recongnize that i prob am viewed as one since im not constantly trying to perform neurotypically, or even if i do attempt being decent about socializing that it doesnt work. i just dont feel very good about being weird since it can negatively impact people giving me a chance. i feel really awful and hope people find other better people everytime because i find myself preferring to do things on my own where im not having all these thoughts and shit. like it will be a life of vague or distant communication but like guilt if it is since its not typical or neccessarily healthy for everyone involved. i dont want to be normal but i dont want to be considered a bad person since this is what i am. this comes and goes but im just very frustrated with what im trying to learn to be ok with. not sure why we keep going back here thinking itll be different but yeah idk i cry about this feel like shit isolate and try again once loneliness nibbles at my toes. all i can do is really hope that people that deal with me wont feel hurt that i feel nothing or worse sometimes. i wish for this to be okay and nondestructive.