November 2025
i have to write about this because its hilarious how this keeps coming back with a raging force in my life. its something im finally tackling now though but its weird and scary honestly!!! but i think thats good
i have a deep want to create physical items and arts to give others or keep for myself and express myself through what i make. i want to make interactive art or pieces of art that intends for the audience to use all their senses to experience it. yet i hesistate from doing so due to the fear it will all be lost before its my decision for it to be gone (ie. becoming homeless, it being burned, it being thrown out or destroyed purposely, ect). i fear the lack of permacy that comes with whats physical, compared to what i can publish online. i guess i fear being forgotten in a way? which is fucking weird given i am like a certified online purger who hopes to be forgotten when i do nuke all my accounts
this fear of loss of permenacy is weird because its something that doesnt exist online (once its published online, it never truly is gone forever) yet i use online with the belief that nothing is permanent and i delete stuff and get this false comfort that its gone. however once in real life, once its gone, itll be gone. you cant recover the files of it and make it physically real again. itll have to be recreated but it wont be the same. its something id think would comfort me because its how i am content with ideas of reincarnation and i dont think anything is ever truly gone even IRL (even with death, i have trouble experiencing grief because i dont process that they ever left neccessarily), but i guess it doesnt for indulging soley in physical art forms because in what i make physically feels more representative of myself, and im afraid of it not being experienced if its destroyed. i dont know how to explain this but thats part of what comes to mind. its not saying i feel digital art is less but moreso feeling a stronger calling to physical art in terms of expressing myself, but i havent attended to this due to anxieties knowing that once a piece i made is gone, then i cant recover its existence or the realness of myself that i was able to put into it.
like many things w me, its annoying to have this internal battle SO im going to make physical arts that i want to make anyways even if someday itll be gone. and the thing is, ill always be able to digitally archive it. and not everything needs to exist forever. the time with something physically is better even if short than never at all. silly anxiety mental block shit