Content warning: Bullying, homophobia, verbal abuse, physical abuse
Dude
Word Count 4,438
4 February 2005
“Did you finish the whole book?”
Lucas looked up to meet Nathan’s eyes, twinkling as usual. He nodded, leaning over in his chair to take the hefty Harry Potter novel from his backpack. He pushed it into the boy’s arms before sitting back up to stare at him.
“Your hair is sticking up.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s okay though. It still looks nice.”
Nathan blushed, brushing his hair down before taking his seat. Class would be starting any second, and it was better if no one saw the two boys talking to each other casually. Nathan sat down clumsily, tossing his bag to his side before leaning toward Lucas.
“So, do you want the last book?
“Yeah. You can bring it tomorrow. I might be able to finish it in a week if it’s really good.”
“Okay! Cool. Oh, you know the third movie comes out this fall, right? Maybe we can go see it together?”
Lucas shrugged, flustered. “Yeah, that’d be cool.”
Nathan beamed sheepishly, taking out his notebooks as Lucas did the same. The two had been pretty close since the party and allowed their old trivial moments rest under the rug. Nathan seemed pretty genuine about the whole “being gay” thing, and he found comfort in Lucas as the developed a level of mutual respect. This was even more so exemplified since Nathan agreed to tease Lucas less about sensitive topics. Nathan was curious, terrified and for the most part just looking for something to accept him, and Lucas provided him with that.
And as much as Lucas wanted to brush their relationship off as something only benefiting the other party, it certainly helped him feel better about himself and lessen his frustrations with his life. He had someone to talk to now that Kayden was down South and going through therapy, Ariana was jam-packed with after school activities such as piano lessons and concerts, and Barry was experiencing another weird phase of aggression that left him spazzing out and flying off for days before coming back home, covered in scratches. Nathan was sweet to him, constantly inviting him over to his house to watch movies and play video games whenever he’d invite the rest of the crew (Eli and Jake still didn’t get the hint that he was finally considered a real friend), showing him new books to read, learning how to draw from Lucas and even walking home with him before splitting ways halfway there, abandoning the rest of his crew at the corner hissing under their breath. Lucas invited him to the viaduct in return where the two would simply sit there, tossing graham crackers off to the geese before mumbling things to each other.
“My mom is already planning that I find a girlfriend in college that I’m gonna marry. Like, seriously she’s already looking at tuxedos I could wear and deciding where I should propose to her.”
Lucas looked at Nathan, raising an eyebrow.
“We’re not even in high school yet, and your mom is already deciding about your college life choices too?”
Nathan nodded, clearly annoyed.
“That sounds awful.”
“It’s annoying. Does you mom make a big deal about you dating girls?”
“No. I’m pretty sure she knows that I’m like this so.” Lucas shrugged, sitting back as he popped a graham cracker in his mouth. A couple of geese honked from down below in the stream. “She wouldn’t waste her energy trying to decide any of that yet.”
“Well, you’re lucky.”
“I guess. My dad’s a bitch though.”
Nathan rested his head onto Lucas’s shoulder. Despite how long they’ve been doing things like this, Lucas still wasn’t adjusted to his need for affection. He’d always tense up and grow visibly uncomfortable before Nathan would notice and distance himself.
“S-Sorry.”
“You’re fine. Sorry for freaking out.”
“No it’s okay.”
It was much easier for Lucas to give the affection back, rather than receive it. He’d had his fair share of allowing someone to cuddle him, and would rather do it back to someone since he could decide who was in control instead of finding himself weakly struggling against force. It seemed that Nathan preferred that Lucas kissed him first instead since he was still inexperienced and terrified to even doing anything of the nature. It seemed in general that all he wanted was someone to hold him. It pained Lucas to see how teary eyed he’d become when Lucas would let go. Lucas eventually asked about why he’d get so sad about it, and all he muttered was:
“No on really hugs me back home, you know. It’s pretty lame.”
Lucas patted his head as the two sat quietly under the vidock, arms entwined with the comfort of the geese honking and the gentle breeze that came with the falling sun. They’d have to go home eventually, but it was nice to enjoy breaking curfew every once in a while.
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9 April 2004
The school day had ended and kids poured out the doors as the bells rang. Lucas leaned against the wall, closest to the water fountain, waiting for his friend to come by and meet him with Ariana so they could head home.
After about ten minutes elapsed, Lucas grew tired of standing and found a chair to sit down in along the walls in the hallway leading out of the school. He didn’t mind waiting since he could use the time to read the newest book Nathan had lent him.
The halls were just about empty by the time he heard footsteps down the hall. Standing up, his heart fluttering, he met Ariana’s wide eyes. She still hadn’t got used to the fact she wore glasses.
“...I’m still waiting on Nate. You can go ahead of me.”
Ariana blinked before frowning. “Why isn’t he ever on time?”
“I don’t know. Go wait outside the school or something. In the front like last time. I’ll be out in a second.”
The small girl huffed, stomping as she dragged her backpack behind her, hissing curses under her breath. Her anger had been something new as of late, which was hilarious to Lucas considering the word “shit” or “fuck” failed to translate into her voice very well with the mix of how she’d shove in unnecessarily large vocabulary words. She’d rant viciously when they’d sat at the vidock, throwing rocks into the water before flapping her hands, motioning “the absurdity of her situation” or how “fucking preposterous everything was” or yelling how her mother was a “penurious bitch”. Lucas couldn’t understand a thing she would say but allowed her to release her anger, since that’s why they used the vidock in the first place. She’d also scream about Barry and how stupid he was, how he’d take up the attention at home which left her knocking his head off with shoes. It kinda set in why the demon had been avoiding the vidock or Ariana in general for the time being: he didn’t want to be around Ariana, and Ariana didn’t want to be around him.
His absence was fine since Nathan eventually replaced him. He’d been hanging out with the two of them often, expressing his distaste about his life at home or of Eli and Jake. The vidock was a safe haven for them, as everyone respected each other’s issues and conflicts and simply allowed themselves to scream or do anything they wanted there.
Lucas went back to reading his book, a couple of minutes passing before footsteps filled his ears once more. He went to stand up before the book was slammed back into his face, sending him sliding back down the wall.
Flinching, he removed the smushed paper and squinted up to meet the eyes of Elijah, Connor, Jake and a few other boys.
Oh great.
“Where’s Nate?” Lucas asked quietly, not standing up. It was better to stay on the floor with how everyone was crowding him; he had almost no space to do so anyways.
“His mom came to pick him up.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Well, I’ll go home then.
Lucas went to stand up before being shoved back into the wall, dropping the book to the floor. He squinted, scanning their faces which were plastered with frustration. His chest tightened as he looked into Elijah’s eyes.
“I gotta walk Ariana home, man.”
“You made our best friend a faggot.”
Oh.
“I need to go home.”
Elijah shoved him in the chest, getting closer to his face. “Fuck that. So, is that what you’ve been doing to him when he invites you over and you guys go upstairs? You’d do that disgusting gay shit, huh?”
Lucas grimaced, looking away.
“No.”
The boys surrounding him scoffed at his reply.
“Yeah right. We know what you did to him. He told us 5th period when we were makin’ fun of how shitty faggots are. Tried defending people like you and ended up telling us how the two of you fucked. You forced him to do it, didn’t you?”
Lucas shook his head, his face burning as his head swayed.
Why would he tell them that?
He’s so stupid!
“Get your hands off me. I didn’t force shit.”
“You didn’t keep your hands off Nathan, and now look at him. He doesn't hang out with us anymore like he used to and only wants to if you’re around.”
“And how does Nathan making his own decisions have to do with me? I didn't tell him to.”
“It’s got everything to deal with you. YOU made him like this! He wasn't like this until he started helping you out with your homework. He’s fucking weird now, and he won’t talk to us and he’s all fucking touchy and shit because of you. You gave him whatever shit you had and now he’s not Nathan anymore! He’s just some faggot like you!”
“Can you stop calling me a faggot.” The question came out more as a statement as Lucas struggled to keep himself composed.
“I’ll call you whatever I fucking want, faggot.”
Lucas glared at him, clenching his fist. He must have taken notice that Lucas was preparing to throw a punch considering Elijah immediately slammed his head back into the wall, before punching him in the stomach. It was only seconds before he was tossed around between the boys, his backpack being dumped out onto the floor and his belongings scattered. Lucas quickly gave up with trying to fight back as they showed no mercy as they shoved him to the ground and forced his face onto the dirty floor. It really spurred the question of where the hell all the teachers were at this time of the day. Someone had to hear them, but they were in a pretty hidden place since him and Nathan would kiss before leaving. He certainly regretted picking such a spot to hideout when waiting for his friend.
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“You’re finally here! What took you s- oh my god.” Ariana’s voice dropped immediately as she took notice of Lucas’s appearance.
He limped, breathing heavily as he carried his backpack over his shoulder, tears dripping down his face along with blood. He hadn’t had the time to clean himself up before heading outside, but he couldn’t handle being in the school anymore.
“Alex…”
“Is your mom at home?”
“N-No. Sh-she’s at work right now. Barry hasn’t been around so. It’s just...me.”
“Okay. Cool.”
Ariana grabbed his hand, pulling him in the direction of her house. He refused to fight it, allowing himself to be led considering he could barely lead himself. He wasn’t here. At least not at the moment.
He could see that Ariana was speaking to him, but he couldn’t comprehend any of her words. He wiped his face of tears and blood as they neared Ariana’s house on the corner.Lucas stared up at it’s door, dazed as Ariana took out her key to open it up. THe second the door opened, she dragged him inside and pushed him to the bathroom.
Lucas calmed down after washing his face and sitting down onto the side of the tub. Ariana had rummaged through her cabinets before handing him a bottle of water, which he downed instantly.
“Does my eye look that bad?”
Ariana grimaced, shaking her head before looking away. Lucas groaned before standing up to look at himself in the mirror. It was weird considering the last time he came to Ariana’s house, he could barely see himself over the sink. He was certainly much taller than before.
He stared at his reflection for a second before chuckling.
“I look like shit.”
He looked back to Ariana weakly who was shaking lightly. She averted her eyes quickly, letting out a noise of discomfort.
“What...happened?” Were the only words she could get out.
“What do you think.”
“...I-I shouldn’t have left you in there. They wouldn’t have done anything if I-”
“It had nothing to do with you.” Lucas looked back to the mirror, glaring at himself. He hated that he even came to Ariana for help because now she was really caught up in his problems. She’d been keeping his and Nate’s relationship a secret since they started dating, but now that Nate outed himself, he was pretty fucked and would probably be dealing with the routine of getting his ass kicked after school until the year ended. Her being involved was the last thing he wanted. He didn't want her help. He wanted no ones help. He just wanted to enjoy his time with Nathan but clearly that wouldn’t be happening anymore.
“B-But, look at you! You’re all beat up!”
“Yeah, I know.”
Ariana raised her hands before letting them fall quickly. She huffed, clearly uncomfortable with the fact her childhood friend was standing before her with a black eye. Lucas let out a sigh of relief as she remained silent.
“Can I stay here for a bit? I don’t really wanna go home right now because my dad is probably the only one there.” He averted his eyes, looking to the wall. “If he sees me like this, he’ll knock me out if I don’t tell him what happened, especially with my voice cracking like this. I can’t have him finding out too.”
Ariana blinked before nodding quickly. “Y-Yeah, that’s fine. My mom doesn’t come home until really late, so you’re alright.”
“Thanks, Ariana. Do you guys still have the bucket of cheeseballs?”
Ariana nodded, leading him down the stairs after taking his hand. He accepted her guidance blindly, considering he was still out of it.
He thought the shitty feeling he was experiencing was long gone months ago. But alas, it was back.
He just hoped it wouldn’t get to him as bad as it used to.
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3 April 2004
Lucas had been laying on the floor of his room for a decent amount of time, refusing to get up as his entire body burned. He knew if he was to get up, he would go into his closet to grab his old baseball bat and smash everything he could, including his father’s skull.
He had his TV to the max volume and even turned his radio on, blasting it as loud as he could to not only mask his sobbing and swearing, but to annoy the living shit out of his father who sat downstairs in his stupid chair, swearing back as if Lucas could really hear him through the floor.
The second he had stepped onto the porch, his father appeared at the door, his eyes blazing before tugging Lucas by the arm and slamming it behind them.
Nathan had officially broke after his posse harassed him, getting him to reveal what he and Lucas had been doing for the past few months, which eventually led him to sobbing to his mother the truth of who he truly was, hoping she’d validate him since no one else would. His mother didn’t take it well and gave him a good smacking before calling Lucas’s family to screech at them for “letting their little shit demon corrupt her son”.
It was only luck that his father was the one to receive the call.
Lucas had no time to explain as his father immediately pulled out the belt, whipping him as he scurried around the house to escape him. It’d been so long since he’d experienced this and it really made him feel stupid for laughing when Ariana would experience the same thing. It didn’t help that his mother left the house, ignoring his cries as she hopped into the car, clearly not wanting to try to break them up. She agreed that Lucas should be punished, but clearly not in this manner. Raymond could care less about her decisions at this point since “Lucas has truly gone downhill from her shitty upbringing”. His mother was tired and had no interest getting herself sick over Ray’s harsh criticisms.
At least she promised to come back and make nachos.
Lucas rolled on his back, hissing as his father appeared at his door once more, stepping into his room to rip the cords of the TV and radio out of the wall which left the two of them in a sniffly silence.
“You need to get your shit together before your mother gets back here. She doesn’t need to deal with this fucking attitude.”
“Fuck off.”
“Lucas.”
“Fuck. OFF.”
His father looked down at him, huffing angrily as he hesitated to kneel down to smack him again but merely walked out the door, slamming it as he swore angrily in Spanish. Lucas swore back, loud and clear enough for his father to hear, hoping he’d come back to try to hit him. He was waiting for it, ready to bash him on the head with anything he could grab.
“I HATE YOU!” He screeched as his father walked down the stairs. He could hear him instantly pause at the statement before footsteps approached his room once more. He knew that’d snap him if anything.
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May 2005
The ride home from school was silent, his mother refusing to switch the radio on or even talk to him. Lucas stared off at nothing, his entire body feeling as if it was being pushed further into the seat.
It had been a long day, a day he wouldn't have to experience anymore considering he’d been suspended for the rest of the school year and wouldn’t be allowed to walk the stage in his own graduation. He was still moved up to the next grade, but they didn’t want him back at the school considering what he just did.
The school year after Nathan and his relationship was outed left to the both of them being ridiculed constantly which made Nathan skip school and run away to the point his mother had to get the police involved in order to find him; he had run off for a good three days before the police found him roaming a nearby town. The boy avoided Lucas, ashamed of everything they had done, fearing the inevitable that he was stuck this way.
“M-My mom doesn’t want to keep me anymore.” He sobbed to him as Lucas comforted him at the vidock. “Sh-She’s so mad at me, I don’t know what to do. She hates me so much.”
His own mother was clearly devastated as she’d meet Lucas at the door, shaking and wheezing, asking for his inhaler after he’d just fought a few kids again. She approached the school multiple times, begging for them to tell the kids to back off her child but they insisted they were doing their best to control the bullying. And by their best, that was simply telling the kids not to mess with Lucas once or twice and ignoring him when they turned their backs.
“We’re only here to teach, ma’am.”
His father had left back to work after fighting with his mother, clearly unable to handle Lucas’s fits any longer. He couldn’t stand Lucas’s attitude and demeanor, promising he “wouldn’t waste anymore of his hard earned cash on a child who didn’t give a shit on how badly he was hurting his family”.
“Your father is just tired, hun. He doesn’t mean it.”
He was barely talking to Ariana or Barry anymore as the two of them had had began fighting daily, Ariana pulling the demon’s wings before he’d bite her and screech, tussling violently before Ariana would attempt to choke him. Veronica would always side with Barry, throwing Ariana into her room as she patched the little cat boy, denouncing her a “ungrateful bitch” for treating Barry poorly and that he “appreciated her love more than she ever had before”.
Ariana dedicated her life to her piano lessons, playing in their town’s performance hall in contests to win the approval of the community and a few extra bucks to redeem herself to her mom. She no longer asked Lucas to walk home with him as she’d hike up to the cemetery after school to talk to her father. When she revealed where she’d been going, he offered to go with her but she quickly shot it down.
“I can go by myself. I don’t need you.”
His world warped and shifted as everyone slowly stepped away from him, one by one. Kayden must have certainly improved after what happened, why hadn’t he?
Certainly, it was because he was an asshole.
After what he’d done, he was certaintly an asshole.
Stabbing Elijah with a pair of scissors certainly made him an asshole, despite it simply being self-defense as they would not leave him be, he was the asshole for “trying to cause major harm to a peer” despite defending himself. All because he was an asshole, his parents considered getting a divorce and all of his friends either hated him or feared him.
It was nice to know Kayden forgot about him during all of this, too.
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July 3rd, 2005
Lucas picked up the phone once more after trying to get a call to go through to Kayden’s, which had failed at least 5 times already. He knew that the weather was getting messy down where Kayden lived, but that shouldn’t have meant he should keep ignoring his calls. He had been doing so for weeks.
Irritated, he slammed the phone onto the floor before covering himself again with his blanket. His mother left him at home again to go to Vee’s to hang out, as both mothers were in terrible condition. They at least found comfort in one another, which seemed to cheer her up a bit. But that meant leaving Lucas in the comfort of his bed, staring off at the wall stupidly through tears. He’d scream at Akira when she asked him if he’d liked to join along by instinct, which left her screaming back in frustrated tears before rushing out the house. He felt terrible for doing so, he couldn’t take his mother’s timid actions anymore. He was tired of everyone’s shit.
He had fought with Ariana after she snapped at him for making a harmless comment, which sparked him to knock her glasses off her face and leave her crying out for her mother’s help as Lucas pounded her face into the floor. She put up a pretty decent fight at first, managing to knock the wind out of him for a second before choking him out, leaving him dazed, giving him a good number of bruises, but nonetheless his overbearing size gave him the advantage, causing her to tap out. It was the first time they’d fought since they were children.
It was the first time his mother hit him since he was a child.
He turned over once more, glancing down at the phone before picking it up again. Someone would have to answer.
Someone had to answer.
They couldn’t be doing this to him.
It wasn’t fair.
Out of the various numbers he called, only one picked up.
“Ari?”
“...”
“It’s me, Alex.”
“What do you want.” Her question came out flat like a statement.
“Do you want to go to the library or something? I have to drop some books off, so I was wondering...if you wanted to walk with me.”
He would do anything to have anyone at his side again. If anyone, he preferred the person to be Ariana since she knew him. She knew where he was coming from, right?
“I...I can’t right now. I have to finish practicing this song first. Sorry. I’ll call you back once I’m done.”
“Oh.”
“...Yeah. Bye.”
“Okay.”
She hung up, leaving Lucas on the other end of the line, staring off at the ceiling.
Huh.
His chest lifted as he took in a shaky breath, dropping the phone to the floor. This felt worse than his concussion. It felt worse than after he jumped out of the car, worse than when Cheren would hold him down as he screamed for him to stop or be forced to watch Kayden get fucked and not be able to leave the room. He would prefer for that to happen again any day than to feel this. At least then, he wasn’t alone. He’d at least have Kayden to talk to after feeling like shit. He’d at least have Kayden to look at so he wouldn’t be the only thing known to be shit.
But alas, he was now alone, crying in his bed, just as pathetic and shitty as all the people he avoided becoming.
He hunched over into fetal position, cradling his head into his knees as he bawled, his head spiraling as he heaved. There was nothing he could do to fix this, thus, did it really matter anymore? Kayden was long gone and healing quite well and no longer needed to call upon his young friend and check on him.
It wasn’t fair since Lucas was the only reason why Kayden was even found in the first place. It would make sense that Kayden would have been using Lucas to his advantage. He was Cheren’s brother, after all.
Fuck him.
Cursing under his breath, he sat up as his head pounded. Crying and screaming had sparked his headaches again, leaving him stumbling from the bed as his chest heaved. He was miserable, worse than miserable. Everything around him seemed so follow him, causing him to grow even more agitated with his predicament.
He never asked to be like this. He hadn’t even asked his mother to make him in the first place, so how could they blame him for being like this?