old entries (adventure diary)

june 13th 2025

a pretty lousy morning. i didnt start "functioning" until like, 4pm/5pm and after i bought stuff to make eggrolls.

the duo that hung out w us after we finally "came to". cinin and lycidas!!

watched criminal minds and had italian beef with fries. i look forward to next week where i can sit downstairs and watch tv and not be on edge

i keep getting frustrated that theres nothing im fighting for or determined to make or do like i was during undergrad or before that. during undergrad i mourned the 18 yr old me thatd go without sleeping doodling and building lore and shit. senior me during undergrad mourned the sophmore me that had somewhat of that same explosive creative energy. i keep looking back trying to figure out what went wrong and feeling frustrated and ashamed. im struggling to shake this thinking. i graduated college and now i spend hours pacing in circles and glancing out windows, stuck mental looping. i need to go outside. i need to work. but im waking up convinced everywhere i go i will recieve harm and its deserving due to my lack of social skills and toughness. it doesnt matter how aware i am that anyone in this fucked mental hunting ground thats fueling this would probably be the same, seemingly unproductive, "fallen off", pissbaby, ect. but idk its just. yeah idk. i need to just look at myself humanly. but idk how

june 12th 2025

ended up doing a social media purge; it didnt bring relief. im still feeling burnout and mental illness, because well, yeah. lol

i remembered pokepastas exist and thought about Jessica, which I plan to deep read. part of me wants to reread all of the pokepastas and make a list of all of them and so on because im still super fixtated on Tommy Boy

check out some v6 drafting for the site. heres what we drafted before reworking this section of the site. we didnt use pen and paper so much before on v5 but with v6 im seriously trying to make it more consistent overall and encourage more infodumping and shit. kinda mixing our obsidian usage (we try to make using obsidian as a digital journal regularly, replacing notes apps or private discord) and being able to translate it to pages for the website. as badly as i want to like, prematurely post pages when theyre not finished...no, with v6 i will do EVERYTHING in my power to not upload the skeleton of the site until its ready hahaha its just so exciting i wanna share it BUT i wont yet... xD.

enjoy a kimby pic i took while listening to Feiticeira. the song is not his vibes at all, he's a soft boy but the song goes crazy

june 11th 2025

im writing this on the 12th but have no recollection of the day other than a ton of journal pages from headmates LOL

ree did take these pics tho which are cute

june 7th 2025

i went to my first ever concert....

it was......AWESOME (explodes)

i saw pierce the veil. it was incredibly fun and i want to see more artists (ones i know a lot more / been fans of longer) live in the future. it rained toward the end of the night during the cuter cozier songs tbh which fit so well i loved when everyone used their lights and waved them...it was so cool.

events like this are why i dont think i could ever rlly be considered a shut in, bc i dont mind these huge crowded atmospheres where humans do human shit. like, i enjoy this sorta thing ALOT. why dont i do it more? im poor. however i prefer it over like, small hangouts and such. i guess bc its a common clear objective or whats connecting everyone there. you go to a concert to listen to music. for comic/anime/furry cons, you all are there because u like the stuff. i like when its massive, because i like to just obsersve people do people stuff, i find people beautiful tbh. and well maybe the biggest thing is that it doesnt have my biggest enemy (the expectation to socialize or there is reprecussions)

like seriously, my gripes w going outside or hanging out w folks is the social performance element. which yeah, i shouldnt give a shit about. i wouldnt be bringing it up if ive succeeded in not giving a shit abt it. but this shit is very much easier said than done for me. bc the reality is that my social desires and abilities arent appropiate. and them resulting in others discomfort and frustration is understandable. and like, im sick of masking or attempting to function or mirror, so i just dont like to be in environments where me not being on the same social skill ability can cause issues whether make them uncomfortable or cause people to get pissed off at me. if this wasnt a factor and i could be deadpan and observe ppl and show them whatever toy i have in my pocket and not cause some social rift, then sure, id be more open to smaller knit stuff. but i have just lost my cool about bothering anymore in social environments that i get that sense of "if i dont do engage in this social behavior, there will be reprecussions and rejection for it". bc all these sort of experiences does to me is like make it worse, my whole mindset and exposure therapy stuff. i just internalize that what i am unmasked needs to be masked again bc i make everyone uncomfortable when im me (and this is with me hanging out w other neurodivergent folks btw, so its not even a neurotypical rift thing)

its just tough and frusting, but going to the concert filled me with some strength and now i have motivation to go out and be a rando bc it truly is fun to just exist alongside people...i love it alot.

june 5th 2025

not much of a day tbh? woke up feeling like im on fire. i took a walk. just trying to deal with the pain. i didnt take many pics today, just wasnt there to do it actually

we had a super productive system meeting so that was nice

june 4th 2025

yeah its been a min since last entry. i was incredibly depressed following graduation, and then was busy with babysitting, and now im in a flare up that i didnt make easy for myself (ignoring body cues, denial)

i woke and immediately started commissions which was where i went wrong bc i did this before water or pills and stuff, was there for 5 hours fixing a commission. but its finished now, and i dont really have that many others needing to be done. i need to find a balance with my linework again

i had to ship out a package for a mercari customer so i walked to the post office - idk why this process makes me so ridiculously anxious but it was so simple and quick....but from packing to handing it over made me all nervous. i hope the buyer will like it. the walk was ok. it was a gloomy ass rainy muggy day - reminded me of my commutes to college and fuck i miss it tbh, i only just processed that wow yeah, i dont ever have to go back there. or anywhere. i went to the library after dropping off the package and started cramping hard as fuck during the walk

i stopped by and looked over the lake when letting a cramp past on my way home. i love walking so much, so struggling and limping pisses me off.

made "nachos" with leftover rotissere chicken, it was alright. i like calling my food slop because it affirms my puppyness

deltarune came out today so i watched people play it. well, i watched chapter 4. chapter 3 i need to properly sit through, but chapter 4 hoooomama. also, watched the weird route stuff and i feel like a wild animal bouncing off walls good Lord Whew it is. ITS EPIC! YEAH!

i took a bath to soak and hope itd help what im feeling (it didnt as much as i hoped it would - im high as shit and took more NSAIDs and everything is still tingling and cramped up like a fist), did a lot of thinking in there. all my projects i have listed have no ending, well, nuzlockd actually does but the others dont. i dont have any storys im telling that i can tell u the ending. and i realize i dont see myself having an ending either in the long term. but i wanna make shit man. and maybe it is the way ive been going about trying to make stuff that like, yeah i can make it this way, but just because i have that ability and its what people do doesnt mean i have to do it THAT way. i made some toy comics and edts again over the past days and it felt right, natural, Good. and yet i keep drafting stuff but tossing it over my shoulder because "no, i could do it the proper way, draw a comic or animate it". thats where im going wrong...the proper way. god, when will i accept its nothing proper about me? or how little importance it is to do it the proper way, given how much time ive wasted and obsessed over being proper to end up hating myself so much that i repeat everything that affirms why i should hate myself? i just spend the days upset at being weird and mad at myself that im sad and not normal.

overall fine day

june 3rd 2025

its been a bit since last one, wasnt feeling well, still not feeling well but i did accomplish a lot of things in the duration of time passed tho which was like, cathartic?

heres some stuff ive done study wise. ive put my finger down on my struggle to grasp form and perspective and have started doing studies to help it feel less intimidating. i want my work to feel 3d, it bothers me that it isnt, or atleast i dont feel that volume in it when im drawing it bc idfk how to draw it xD

i think i mentioned it before in my sketchbook entries, but my arting has become so automatic where i dont really sit and think and make descions about pieces, so ive been relying on a lot of jank shortcuts to get it done quick. speed is my enemy, but so is overthinking. i want the balance of not overworking a piece but it also being pretty good in all the fundamental shit.

ive been working on my mindset (and physical experience) abt sucking ass at something on the first go - to suck ass at something on the first go is so fucking refreshing because that means i will actually see progress as i keep doing it, and that is a reason to keep doing it. i realized that i didnt have this mindset once i started gaming again. when i started neon white, i kept dying or fucking up on the tutorial levels and got mad at myself before realizing, wow. thats how gaming should be. im not supposed to just win on the first go - im supposed to replay levels too and learn as i go. and its not something to internalize as me being incompetent or broken, lol. and then playing pokemon again, ive realized how i learned over years to avoid the ingame penalties for blacking out or making playthroughs easy via guides and whatnot, so now im playing thru them again blind and not saving infront of gym leaders, blacking out and resetting so i can W. im taking Ls and i think its helping w the "failing is actually a good thing bc now im using brainpower so it doesnt happen again" stuff

and honestly, using gaming to help transition into this mindset has felt natural and inviting as a seegway into working on my regulation and thinking patterns, because its a video game and theres not these large ramifications of sucking ass since its on my own time and nothing about the games has some sort of financial or safety attatchment, if that makes sense? its allowing me to fail and fuck up and try again and try again and again and not have my internal alarm systems going "WE CANT AFFORD TO FUCK UP WE WILL DIE". i restart a level 7 times and im not going "oh god im holding xyz back" or "i dont have time to fuck it up i have to get it right or i will make everyone upset". its like a safe thing to engage with and explore the art of fucking up and learning. like for my nervous system. im not panicking when i start a game and suck bollocks at it now. its more like "oh hell yeah i can get better at this thing and its fun to do that". and im actively telling myself "yo chill out" when i find myself about to shut the game off because i think im going to make someone upset by being bad or not good enough at it

so yeah, while working with gaming and learning that its safe to take Ls, i animated and it felt fucking awesome. i think this was the biggest hurdle to have jumped over. you can see it here. i post my stuff unlisted to youtube now and just host via the website instead to keep expectations low because i dont want an audience LOL. like, it repulses me so much to have one bc of how automatic our masking and fawning is. its an invitation to a Lot of bad stuff unless u have self respect, atleast this is what ive concluded over the month. so i dont want it until i feel better about myself

but yeah, i animated, made a vlog-esque video, made plush/toy edits, a 3d model and did a bit of fic writing. im able to do this again bc the lack of audience in mind takes off all the worries about it. the one thing im still struggling to do again art wise is drawing dark art again. essentially this dilema everyday in headspace:

back when i started posted to inkbunny, i was more dissociated from what we were drawing and posting and didnt think too hard about how peoples responses to certain art were. like it was personal, but not even that personal yet, i was making fun of shit and using humor to deal with what was bothering me. but it just started getting too close to home, same weak spots exposed, i didnt think it was that bad but uh and it re-summoned dee out of doormancy

theres a lot of pain and grief(?) we're juggling with as her feelings and memories are back in the mix and honestly ive been an ass to dee since she first re-summoned from doormancy bc well im chill with porn and sex and all that stuff while shes repulsed and appalled by it. our oversights arent ignorable anymore tho w how active she is now bc of the level of distress & part of life we're in now, but man its difficult. because its like, well i cant really argue with her because shes able to gather all the evidence to prove her point and im just kinda like "well i knew that but i was chillin w it before u made it out to be that". that sort of dilema. but its nonstop, and we're running in circles with more evidence but no changes because i dont really want it to change, i dont feel like its gonna result in anything good. like, i dont know what else there is. she doesnt rlly know either, and shes the one that holds all the ugly emotions anyways. its a bad timing, is what i usually start thinking and pushing back agaisnt

its been a consistent discomfort and on edge feeling when we go online, our thoughts are hella dark and violent as shit (which is extremely uncomfortable), we dont really vent as explicitly anymore bc dee doesnt want ree to feel weird about it and wants to keep these feelings safe, but well its masking again p much bc its just...wuhh. we wont draw what we want and think of drawing, its still the playing shit safe thing. but hey man its a process, the mindset during gaming will hopefully keep diffusing out to what matters

trying to write this has been the most annoying shit because ive gotten interrupted by my mom like 6 times, i started writing this an hour ago and kept losing train of thought or getting so pissed off that i forgot i was writing lol

so ill end it here and revisit these topics again? maybe? maybe not? fuck if i know. i need to eat

may 19th 2025

it was a slow day of mostly playing my nintendo switch and sleeping. i did go outside and sit outside for a bit. its gloomy and cold again and that does affect me alot tbh. i did work on a commission, technically completed it but im going to redraw it again lol. other than gaming, journaling, sleeping and doodles, i played with my toys and watched youtube. i recorded some videos and it was fun; they wont be uploaded. im just kinda working thru anxiety via recording.

i colored in a coloring book page before retreating to my bed (which is where im typing this up from). i was super anxious while coloring because of my intrusive thoughts, theyre so bad. but this did help distract me from doing my cycles. but i talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. the rest of the night will be playing some sort of game or just zonking offto sleep bc im very tired and i think it could be adding to why my mental is so crap. i cant say ive been actually sleeping when i sleep; my dreams are so intense and so is the ??/ movement? terrors or whatnot. its becoming comical, to say the least

may 15th 2025

i think im burnt out

im unable to draw with my own interests in mind without feeling guilty and inclined to punish myself for it. and i keep punishing myself. so art isnt very fun. the only time i feel "safe" is when im working on commissions, but because of this, i feel very burnt out and upset. me being upset isnt fair to people commissioning me, theyre just supporting me. they actually are spending time out of their day to support me, which is kinda more scary and distressing because i dont even see me drawing for them as enough to make up for the support. someone commissioning me doesnt feel like a 1 time transaction or support but like, im forever indebted. i cant really make up for anything, and i keep trying to make my art better so it can offset the guilt, but its not enough and my art is no better. and im more difficult to deal with. so its even worse. god forbid they are kind to me because its more i will have to pay back. so im unsure how long i can keep this up. but i need to be able to pay bills, as im too scared to work irl jobs with people- if i cant even mask or keep a normal set of social skills online, then wtf. im screwed and have to get my shit together.

it feels to be a time limit on how long im able to feel giddy about OC stuff again. now i just feel either frustration or fear, so i am not indulging, im afraid to. theres some sort of cost with everything i do if it for me. this happened with animation. im losing everything to this. and i am going crazy, because now what else do i have to do. art as a job is probably the job ill ever have most agency over the course of it, and here i am

i dont really want to have more years of this. i pormised myself like last month that this would not be our life after college. and its true, it doesnt have to be. i struggle to grasp that im able to exist without meeting critera though. so i mean, the depression isnt shocking with this said. im aware of how bad it is. but im just kinda ? lol. ive run in the past from the same kind of stress and being indebted just for it to return again. ive given up in this sense, and i know it is me, and the solution isnt "fixing myself" but being compasisonate and loving to myself. however i am pretty convinced this is happening due to me being defective, so the whole self-love is really horseshit and why im retreating more and more into myself. being myself is not something i can do, and encouraged to do so feels cruel atp.

if we lose art again, i atleast have physical means of arting and crafting. we want to youtube. i tried to make a youtube video and got to the point of editing and then i dropped it. i closed it and then opened up krita to work on a commission.

im going to keep trying to make videos or craft. it is really hard right now but i want to do it anyways. its one thing that isnt really attatched to me, also, its just really fun. i love playing with toys. and well, im not thinking abt much when i do it so ! yay

it was a bit of a slow start today but i ended up getting it a bit figured out later in the day

kimby was a trooper today when it came to comfort. we also made him a bracelet when we were making others.

we're finally having 90 degree weather and shit. awful when its muggy. i sweat so much, oh my god. BUT this warmth makes sitting outside more inviting. we got these porch set from a friend that is moving, which is making a huge difference for me! i can sit outside and eat or just think on the porch instead of inside my room. which i did. i had a pack of ramen and added some imitation crab meat, frozen veggies and fresh spinach, garlic powder, salt and pepepper into it. very yummy

i played with plushies for a bit and did a ton of brainstorming and stuff. watched youtubes and took some notes. we did a good headspace meeting and well, im feeling optimistic from it. we'll be all good'

some storm systems came and went, we were unaffected but it came with a lot of cool clouds to watch. heres smeeps and pachi watching as it rolled over us. im gonna upload a recording i have of the two of them listening to the storm as it passed thru :3

may 14th 2025

i went on a walk!!! woop woop

these flowers were cool so i took a pic of em

i was painfully restless and anxious from the moment i woke up. i eventually felt Ok enough to play Neon White on my porch, but it did not last long and i was back too anxious and unfocused. but it was fun when i did play! its pretty hard to play but i realize its a lot easier for me to play it handheld than on TV or PC Monitor bc of how the joycons work and how i cross our arms when we play. i stopped getting the buttons mixed up in handheld :3

i attempted to record a toy video, but my anxiety won. im gonna try again though tomorrow.

i went to bed kinda :( but its ok

may 12th 2025

i sat out on the porch this morning. no walk since i was hung over and had the shits, but i doodles and absorbed vitamin d

i went to the library w my brother and picked up some items. i finished Babymouse because well its a very easy read...its a kids book series i grew up with. still so cute. i didnt think id actually read hyperbole and a half by allie brosh in its entirety in a day though (i would have gotten more books if i knew i would do this), but i did because i love a book that makes me laugh. my sociology professor reccomended this book, and id heard abt this book for a good amount of time now. i enjoyed it, unshockingly. i think this was the perfect time to read a book like this. yeah i could have read it a year or two ago, but i think this was a good time to finally check it out. i took pictures of my favorite parts (which are better w context of the book, but in themselves its still funny).

this one is so real. my favorite page i sent it to multiple friends

i drew some OC art!!!! holy shit. we're on a roll. i like Thinking up stuff with my favorite tropes teehee

i get like 10 mins of doing something in my interest first before im flooded with guilt and just bad feelings. and it makes me wish i did not ever experience joy! i cant fucking enjoy it without feeling bad for it!

may 11th 2025

i didnt write an entry for this day because it was pretty difficult and i woke up sad and went to bed drunk and high and more sad. but there was a funny moment within the day

this was on the frontpage of my youtube reccomended

i was crossfaded and already in a wonderful mindset when this came across my page and it felt like a direct sign from god (with itnerpertation left up to me, thats how he works). but i started to imagine attempting it in my closet and how id probbaly break it due to being fat, and then i would have to pay for it when i already cant afford a phone bill. so i laughed really hard, jerked off and then passed out. im adulting

may 10th 2025

didnt do much, i was hung over tbh. and it was a lot of system chatter and checking in on everyone when it faded.

hung out with my bro and his girlfriend, it was chill. i think its safe to say that sober or not, nothing really makes me enjoy talking or conversation unless my special interests are involved or the person speaking to me actually matters to me. which is maybe fucked. theres no cheatcode or way to shock my brain into enjoying it. and i guess thats why im like....ok. awesome

may 9th 2025

after 2 weeks of hell leading up to it, it finally happened. i graduated

i didnt want to decorate my cap but my mom pretty much forced me to, which was annoying, but well i made it to what kept me going thru college. which is kinda nauseating when i think ab tthe quote, so i will just not think about it after this LOL

this day was a blur, ill eventually think back on it with smiles and stuff

the place i chose to eat at was a success thank god. we came during happy hour, meaning the bill that could have been astronomical was actually very reasonable, cheap even, for a party of 5. i had two mixed drinks and sipped some wine. theres a lot of leftovers. it was good

the peak was getting Cinin at build a bear. my W of the day. i got this fluffy fuck and snoozed on his head and stimmed with his ears the ride home. floppy ears are amazing

i am just full of mixed feelings now, but i think thats normal. overall, i graduated and i did something good

may 8th 2025

i broke the sketchbook last entry eermmm lel oops anyways

i drew art over but it was paid work or art that doesnt click for me / art i want to redraw already. but i did make a pretty good breakthrough last night and started doodlin silly shit again ahh society if i didnt have brain problems (angelic noises)

heres two animations i want to finish. sketching them out was an accomplishment. theyre both just references to iconic pachirisu behavior in the anime.

my trouble latley with getting back into animation is having the forms move where it makes sense. this has always been kind of a struggle though, as in general i REALLY struggle to understand forms rotating and stuff. atleast drawing it. i can rotate the cube and see a fully lipsycned animation play on the bigscreen in headspace but when it comes to replication, it just....not sure how to get it. but its alright itll click

this was one of my attempts i think a week ago trying to understand snouts better and rotation ? and with an epic sneeze bc teeheehee. i actually found the others we drew during a study session so theyre below here

even with cube studies it still hasnt clicked? so im going to have to just do some still life studies or something tbh i rlly dont understand it ?? its bizarree

im posting on furaffinity again bc its nice how the site is updating. just going to have to properly juggle how im updating/uploading art to places. i said we'd upload to the site first but we suck ass at keeping up with this long term

i guess ill write another entry once i have some more stuff piled up to post. the past days were messy, and tomorrow is my graduation and ill be tired but i do want to draw something for it. for personal art, thats the only goal i have rn. a graduation celebration drawing. im flowing with whatever is to come past that. til next entry

may 6th 2025

i went on my morning walk again!!! 3x in a row!! hell yeah baby. first thing i did once i hoped out of bed. the sky was pretty this morning

the rest of the day was lost to mom

may 5th 2025

i went on a walk for the last two days in a row!!! hoping to keep this up. the morning air is awesome and i didnt have leg cramps once i drew art for a bit

mid walk kinda we got triggered by some thoughts tbh (never check phone during walktimes has been learned...). something something indebtedness something something defective yadda bad yadda yadda. started grumbling about how i hate being part of a system cuz were not on the same page. full on under the slumps mode before d and alex got ejected by al and i got left to front to my own devices (thanks al) and i started just doing whatever da fuck

we're in a constant battle of accepting that no matter how hard we may try to be "correct" that it will never be enough and it wont be sufficent. this is both a pain and a freedom. i really try to show everyone how much better life would be if we just realize how freeing it is to know that the constant attempts to be "good" and "pleasant" is futile. its a lot more fun doing whatever the hell i want bc we end up still feeling like a walkign sack of shit even when being "good".

i had to go shopping with mom again which is why me fronting solo was a good idea. i did not give a shart. it went well because i didnt give a shart. we're learning lol

enjoy my kitty cat meatball

look at my beautiful wife my melody i played hello kitty towards the end of the day and we collected pineapples and seashells together ands kept falling in lava

the day started rough headspace wise but al let me front solo to handle shopping since we were already kinda low and i think i did pretty good! i will be on my best behavior .... hehe

may 3rd 2025

i visited the art insitute of chicago yesterday to feel a bit more inspired (and to take advantage of a free visit while i could). ive been twice in the past, both not as good experiences but this visit was better....lmfao. one day it will be a real good visit where im not rushed or thrown off.

i spent pretty much the entire time in the printmaking and european art section before heading up to check out the modern art wing. past visits ive gone on i didn't really stand and absorb the art like i did this time around. i even kept out Leafy (plush) to stim with so i was comfortable and whatnot.

Monet's works capitvate me by default, but Stacks of Wheat (End of Summer) is what i spent the most time looking at. the colors are so soft and nice on the eyes in person. im gonna sit down and breakdown the color palette and think through how monet went about layering the colors and descions for the shadows. its the shadows that really caught me, because ive been super frustrated and determined to figure out proper shading in my work to give it dimension. form is my enemy, lol

after oogling at monet, i spent a ton of time staring at the biblical esque pieces. theres a massive cruficied jesus painting that i stared at a for a bit because its fucking massive. kind of a fun experience to stand before a piece of art that big and looming over you and have a mini crisis about it xDD

i really liked this piece too. its called The Song of the Lark. its fucking goregous in person compared to the desaturation in the pic ive attatched. and i intiially walked past this piece before doing a double take to stare and think about it

its another piece where im gonna study the way they went about lighting and shadows to capture the temperature and so on.

i also stared at Cupid Chastised. when i saw it i immediately thought in my head "wow i need to learn to paint better so i can make my spanking art this based". its cupid getting his ass beat. i love it for its technical reasons and symbolism, but also because my fucked up brain activates upon seeing this sort of thing dfndkjsdfkjjdfs the urge to send comfort or start hysterically laughing. awesome how it works yknow

my visit was cut pretty short bc of irl crap but it was okay because i got to see my favorite piece!!!

my favorite art piece i am like super capitvated by is Daniel-Henry-Kahnweiler by Picasso. its just so fun to look at and realize where the figure is. idk, i always come back to it every visit. the picture i took of it isnt the best but i got to actually look with my eyes which is what stands

im fascinated with cubism (probably as much as i oogle over dramatic shadows and lighting) and want to try to make art that captures it ? ill probbaly make an entry about cubism in the future...ive been a enjoyer of it since kiddo times but my art vocabulary is rusty and run down especially as i try typing this out

so yeah, that was my art muesum journey/trip. ill make a doodle entry a different day, i just wanted to write about this before i forget the thoughts i was having when i was there. will expand more on things in future entries as i do deep studies or something

may 2nd 2025

it was my final final today, leafy was the homie for the day

i went to the art muesum to take advantage of free entry while i have my college id! ive been here a couple times but i still cant get enough of art yknow lol

ill talk more about art in my sketchbook entry, but man its like candy to stare intensly at the paintings up close to try to pick apart how they may have painted it and kinda envision the process.

muesum trip was cut a bit short because irl family shit. this has been miserable

obligatory bean pic lol

the final went alright, i was exhausted and over everything by the time it came around. traveled home and went to the plush pile to make the day go away

sleepy leafy after all the adventures. just the first of many this summer!

may 1st 2025

it was certainly a day

the morning was productive. i worked on commissions now that my PC is back. feelz good to be in the groove. i love krita

stuff with graduation has changed again, because i broke down and shit over the dress stuff. my dysphoria is out of the roof fucking with me. i can pick a outfit that has pants now, thank goodness.

pancake has been with me whenever ive gone to my bed. treaded here a couple of times to journal or just hug my buds. we played hello kitty island adventure together too

i feel like im being a massive pissbaby and ass right now because i legit am not handling anything well right now because its a lot of big stuff to me. and i feel so embarrassed and want to hide but i cant!!!!! its just....A time. its just a time right now LOLOLOL and im not being nice to myself, and i justt....i dont even know! it will pass! *sobs*

anyways i studied a bit for the final tomorrow. im in bed with pancake writing this. the white boy streamer of the night to protect me from stress nightmares is jerma. ill be outside a lot tomorrow (praying for bearable weather) and will suck in a lot of sunlight and bring a bud along so we can fight anxiety and do good on our final final together >:3 hoping to go to a muesum while i have my college benefits! today was embarrassing but tomorrow is a new day. im just sad scared frustrated all the motions. the climax to da chapter is whats going on

april 30th 2025

i hit the point of crisis where i went so far into it that it like shocked me back into being normal. its really funny how it happens for me and what i usually do to snap back. and sad. well, smeeps back bitch!

going outside every mornign to suck in the morning air is great. i need to take a proper walk one of these days and make it a regular thing after...i need fresh air.

my SSD arrived and immediately got it in and its workin'

i can say ive overcome the fear of playing around the inside of a PC. my family had me fuming by the time the SSD arrived so my rage allowed me to not give a shit and fix and clean the pc without thinking we'd break it. the power of being pissed off, it will let everyone else rest and let me do my job lol

felt really good to play hello kitty again :3 kimby was on standby and hanging out.

today was alright. my computer is back running and i did some cleaning up and whatnot. tomorrow ill start back on commission work and so on. friday will be my last academic final (woot woot) and soon the graduation bullshit will come and go

april 29th 2025

the weather was so good this morning. i wanted to talk a walk but i chickened out of following through. but i did stand around and take pictures of lycidas. yes, his name is lycidas too....is there any other lycidas you should know of? no, its just the absol and plushie lol

i spent all day coding and fixing up the site. got chicken tenders and fries for 1 cent. banger shit i love coupons

look at my idiot cat panini who keeps jumping into this box. hes silly and scares the shit out of me when i dont know hes in there

i spent like too long cenosring myself with this entry. lol. and i succeeded after 2 hours. tomorrow will be ok

april 28th 2025

i took the 3rd of all four finals today! honestly wasnt so bad. for as much info i missed, i think i did alright! 'slong as i stay around a B im fine with how it turns out. still so mad that there was one fucking question i spent like maybe 8 or so mins just trying to remember one fuckin word just to not write down the right one IT WAS SO EASY AND I MISSED IT LMFAO

anywayz, me and lycidas ate a salad by the water. it felt awesome today

my brother has seen through my bullshit when it comes to the graduation outfit. all i could do was bust out laughing. i have no words these days. i can barely get myself to type

my play desk is now put together. im so glad i didnt put my monitors over here. and i dont plan to always use my laptop here anyways unless its for like this (writing, coding). its just really cozy and with my lamp that gives a yellow light, it makes me think of my desk back from when we were like a tot. super happy to have this

april 27th 2025

slow day...well, not really? got 2/4 exams done with. tomorrow morning is the third. traded some furniture with my brother and now my room is different.

originally i had one big ass table. now ive seperated digital work from traditional art and writing stuff. the play area has to be organized quite a bit because a big part of it is making everything we need to use more very In Our Face. ill take pics when its organized

taking the rest of the day easy, feeling pretty roughed up and tired. tomorrow will be nice weather. a plush pal will travel with me to the final! itll likely be lycidas

april 26th 2025

its beeennn somee daaaaays. let me ramble about art instead of my erratic mental health ( i end up rambling about it eventually)

art has been good? weird? im drawing even when im being sillay. Making myself take breaks when smoke starts busting out my ears. lol ive been really self critical and yesterday night when trying to prove to myself i know how to draw, i had a mental breakdown because i couldnt replicate a can.........xD. went on and like screamed into 3 different sketchbook pages. shit happens.

not every headmate likes to write for Furealife but over the last few days we've realized that ermm maybe restricting ourselves from writing it has been like, constipating us. well, constipating me ALOT alongside other headmates that love it. i need to write it. i love to write it. and last night i jammed to music and doodled out amv ideas and paced around planning stuff out, probably the most giddy ive been about art in a couple of weeks, felt like i took off the handcuffs i had them put me in. when i envision the cast as our LPS figurines and i play out scenes, writing gets SO much fun. i just have to not feel so weird about self censoring nor the need for it to be 1:1. its a whole mental gymnastics lately with us. me the past 5 days or so slowly descending into maddness allen is doing everything in his power to try to soothe us and it falls on deaf ears and i still go fucking ballastic over it all until im like in head sobbing, physically stuck on the floor since i overclocked the body.

i can say when i do start to draw, a lot of thoughts seem to quiet and i do go into that flow of joy. until i think again, usually about where ill post it and how itll be recieved, and then i start freaking out. all the unreasonable guilt ive been haunted by over the years and need to just start bashing the body into the wall for (insert all my reasons here that may or may not be delusion (which i will argue with if they get argued with because i have too many signs that its not delusion)) got me pretty all over. it is a struggle to like, seperate art from being alive right now. its so attatched to me and why i exist. i want to repair my relationship with art, but i dont know how, but the longer i have this relationship with being an artist, i worry if ill ever feel...right. its confusing and difficult, but i cant ignore it yknow

despite all of this i think the first AMV ill work on once my PC is back kickin (waiting for the SSD) is our Pachirisu B12 animation. its bouncy, fun and silly and with pachirisu. i have a stupidly long list of animation ideas but its like, inimidating to try to board anything. and well, during that process, a good amount of just tests and practice and studies. ive gotta do an animated commission so all of this can help me feel a lot more confident about going further in the process. when listening to music or watching youtube i actually get really giddy and start thinking about how i could animate how i did back on Flipnote. well, ree's creativness wakes up and we start thinking and shit. ive gotta let her play with animation too; she'll be a big part in the pachirisu amv progress anyways

i can say im "doing more art studies" but ive gotta just shut the fuck about about it so im not drilling myself abt the lack of progress i can show once i do draw. the obsessive need to improve is so high that everything is coming out like shit, because im drawing so fucking fast and frantically criticzing what im doing that i just give up, and i just feel guilty and then i try something else, not meet my standard i set, freak out, hate myself more because i cant make up for being how i am. al swears its alright and that we are doing fine and we made a lot of progress but ugh. i really am holding onto focusing and terrified of being a failure and warranting forms of harm and public shame for not doing good enough because im in an unhealthy state. im struggling to improve my personality and communication with everything im trying, so to not have my art in a good enough state ot ma-blah blah blah balh blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *starts pissing everywhere*

what else art stuff can i share? lol....i miss my PC, getting files was easier. my laptop is good and works but im still struggling to adjust to it for everyday use.

wrenpaw asking her cat ancestors for advice but doing it in a extremely erratic way that makes them go bro she needs Intervention fr

i guess i can talk about Wrenpaw/heart. making her a more core sona/mascot in a sense. well, i like the name and what she symbolizes. she and rustedpaw are the systems internal battles put into anxious kitties and i hope as i write this series, i actually take my own advice xD writing characters based on us allows for like breaking down our own psyche and like, working through it. esp for how im writing this series...there is no like, fucked up stuff. its straight up two cats with mental illness going on pretty much journey and figuring out who they are. very anime-y. i need something like this in our writing lineup. we're editing PMD:RaR but like, thats the whole other vien of writing. ida straight up tormenting those fellas and writing everything fucked up he possibly can because well it does something for him lol. i dont really mess with the series except giving input on how to write rifle the zourark, since its my OC. i luv rifle, hes sick in the head like the rest of the cast.

ok, im grasping at straws to figure out what to write...ill leave it here. ive gotta do some shiz today. i want to keep a better mind today and not have another freakout. until next entry. -🐇

i started the day with a salad which was really tasty! with the weather warming up, salads are attracting me once more, lol. i really love them. salads and turkey sandwiches.....here is to a summer full of them. halo and cheesecake were journey buddies today

i went shopping with my mom and sister for my graduation outfit. my mind was set on getting a button up, a wasitcoast or vest, some slacks, heels and a tie. i ended up with a dress as my piece. its the black dress to the left that i will wear. its buisness formal with a "sexy"" flare (shows a lot of skin tbh)

the rose corsette dress to the right i found very cute

my wardrobe has been neutrual or femme. i want to be more masc and the wardrobe be a nice half/half so i can have fun. i look forward to getting clothes i like

april 24th 2025

i sat outside for a bit with the squad to get fresh air. i did art today

it was okay today, i did ok. i ended the day with watching creature cases. this show is uuh interesting because like, theres so much ...i...i dont know what itd be considered. like i was mindboggled watching it because some of it just felt...like, bad? the show would work soOO much better if the cast weren't as anthro given how they write the characters and the comments the characters make about eachothers and species they interact with. IDK could just be me being sensitive lol it just really made me e_e when watching. ill probably finish watching it to see if it improves on this accord. so far its a pretty crap way of going about writing an anthro universe and presenting it to kids holy fuck

april 23rd 2025

another rough day. it started well, honoka came to class with me

i started to read another book (i have so many currently reading now) and its another thats pretty validating. it makes me want to pursue my dreams to be a researcher so i can advocate for what i wish was more understood, but i cannot exist in a world where my research could be used for harm

it got really bad quick. i cant remember if it was before or after this pic when i had a panic attack and blacked out a bit.

i left for home early once it did not calm. my entire body locked up and i couldnt breathe properly and everything hurt. it wouldnt end even after i got home, so i got high

first meal home was a premade potpie. vivian enjoyed it with me.

pancake came to give me some loving. fluffy baby

vivian joined the cuddle pile and watching videos too!

april 22nd 2025

wow, this day was hysterical. but you know who made it alright?

kimby!!!! he came to campus with me and kept me strong through the rough day. when i was freaking out holding in a meltdown in the bathroom, here was there comforting me. thank you kimby

april 21st 2025

today was kind of a mess. i was a mess. i socialized all of easter and pushed through 2 seperate panic situations, so i was already pretty run down when i woke up. i didnt give myself any grace.

but i ended up climbing out of the gunk! i did a coloring page to keep my hands busy and painted on myself, it was soothing!!

it doesnt feel like i really did a lot productive today due to sleeping through most of the day. i didnt do anything that like, looks like it was productive (like commissions, studying or cleaning) but i sat down and just let myself exist

me and bea implementing dbt skill we looked into today. funny thing is that this process of breaking down a situation is what we've kinda done through our nonguided journaling. but this is way more clear and accessible during the reflecting. doing things in steps really, really helps me. writing things down and seeing it in steps.

i dont know how to describe these clouds, but i love when its like this at night
- 🐇

april 20th 2025

ok i didnt make an entry yesterday so im gonna throw that stuff in here too.

i did a ton of sketching and doodles yesterday. i got to some next stages on commissions and watched art videos. its been a very long time since i actually sit and absorb stuff. i feel out of shape. and i have this consistent frantic anxiety around the fact that im aware of what my art is lacking and the errors im making, but im so panicked that i end up repeating the mistakes.

im also realizing i will come back and see art another headmate has drawn and go "this is fucking shit" and it sparks the urge to purge galleries. there is a dissonance between how we go about creating art. like, its pissing me off. we need seperate galleries or something. we're really trying to find a system for us to like, feel harmonized about our art. because what ida will draw is what hes happy with, hes drawing for fun. im drawing because its fucking so, it does something to me. i know i can do it well, but our hands wont get it out. i get frustrated and frantic and then ida or lucas will just finish it and im like NO!!! especially with commissions. the fact we cant redo a piece after its been sent out...Auh!!!!!!! i dont know. its something. and its really fucking annoying. id like to think its isolated to our art habits but...well, our art reflects us. hah :))

anywho, we animated yesterday. practicing with what we learned about timing charts, which arent really timing charts but rather spacing charts. for the longest, i could not understand the fucking charts thatd always appear on godly animations and now i get it, and why theyre used, and how they help. here, the actual timing is NOT right, but i like it being kind of a bounce.

so, here is a second version where the actual timing of frames is adjusted, and a few frames slightly shifted to better suit the curve.

i didnt do this to show myself i can make super smooth animation. this is a step to chiseling through the ice over our muscles with animation overall. like ANY kind of attempt to just...do it. the level of panic i have around animation makes me so upset. i want to be an animator, and deep down, i am one. but ill sit down and try to do an animation and im filled to the brink of dread and dissociate. instead of trying to go big, we're trying to start small and build confidence or something. i want to animate again. i miss it so much. all i can do is try now.

timelapse of me sketching over the pose of the Fallen Angel painting

we're doing more pose studies using shapes as a base. here is one of them of The Fallen Angel by Alexandre Cabanel, which i hope to someday paint Kurai into. id like to use this as painting practice, so basically an emulation piece. of course, for the future...aint doing that shit rn

both me and lucas share a deep love for painting, but we dont do it enough. and we arent exactly sure what our style is. we're looking at paintings a lot more again because we really do want to capture the same feelings the ones we like evoke in us, but its about figuring out what that is.

i cant even say we have a issue with our art style, its more about how we complete pieces. some of us dont give a fuck if it looks finished or not. others of us want it to be Solid, but the panic sets in and it ends up in a semi-finished state that we look back and cringe on when its obvious 2 different people worked on it.

i also finished two drawings for people i know in real life. one is part of an art trade, and the other is a gift to my brother so he can have a fursona

i am honestly anxious about the person i traded with finding my art and realizing im a horny and mentally ill fucker, but honestly i think its about time i not worry hard about this and embrace it, because its key to us accepting ourselves. personally, i struggle with it. the rest of the system doesnt care, or well the shame about it doesnt drag them down. its a distraction to me that i dont like how easyily it can scoop me up. im trying to be better about it.

its funny how long its taken to write and finish this entry. i ended up pausing midway due to finding out my SSD for my PC is kicking the bucket. fun. but its fixable. now, im just exhausted from events that followed getting stressed abt the PC, and then a short outing with my sister, and soon i will have to be around family i dont talk to. im ready for a long nap and i think ill take one before more socializing

april 19th 2025

started reading atomic habits by james clear! its a simple accessible read with practical advice and framing. happy that my brother lent it to me.

two caterpillars in da grass

april 18th 2025

hello!!! first entry in the sketchbook.yeah, so instead of a blog, im going sketchbook route for how i ramble. this makes me less inclined to reveal personal struggles LOL.

i woke up with a focus on improving how we depict the Furrealife! cast since im touching up and refining things with the series. the specific study today has been making their hairstyles more distinict and make sense. their hair lengths! al has the longest but cuts it often

so yeah, im considering their fur texture into the picture. i hadnt considered thinking of what a single strand of their fur would look like until now, which with this in mind drastically helps guide how i depict them. i often have trouble making Ida distinct from Allen due to both having similar bangs and hair types, but Ida's hair is naturally curly, just damaged from blowdrying it so much (this boy will NOT do a big chop). Allen on the other hand has wavy, lustrous fur. this comes from their parents. Ida has curly mice traits combining with the scruffyness of a tasmanian devil. Allen has just very sleek fur traits from everyone in his family tree. and to really help seal the differences is that im gonna keep Ida with curtain esque bangs while Al prefers his bang to the side.

them guys i style their hair with what species they are in mind, but i wont lie, i honestly consider how i envision them as humans in my head when designing ocs which influence how i go about their hair. so the tightness of Lucas and Astria's fur curls comes from them being black coded alongside what species traits they have. i dont think this is like, hard to not see. ive never been discreet about what ethnicities the cast would belong to if they were human considering Furrealife! began written by my own experiences. And it will continue to be this way because how i code them doesnt impact or influence how they're treated in their universe. its not our world, thank god.

ive actually been writing out the worldbuilding lore for Furrealife! when i sat down thinking about this. like, what are the social issues that exist in their world? a lot of the ones I do know for sure bounce off the same ones that exist in Zootopia and Beastars because the anthros of Furrealife are very much animals. animal people. if you were to split a cast member down the half, it would be a human and then whatever animal they are. they are 100% animal and 100% human, if that makes sense? theres a lot of stuff im adapting to make sense with them being animal people, like finding the middle ground. i cant write furries without them being unapologetically animalistic under their humanity. its awesome. i need them to fight urges to eat eachother every now and then. what is a anthro series if they dont experience something like heats or just act like the beasts they are? :33 makes me go crazy i love it. its very Beastars in this way i guess. also im just a freak that loves it

anyways, back to design choices. to help keep Al and Ida distinict also comes with their snouts and ear shapes. Ida's will be more angular while Allen's is rounded. Ida is overall more pointly/angular while Al is round and soft, funny enough. Like, at their worst emotionally, Ida is very round and soft while Allen is angular.

im thinking more in shapes lately, like i drew my warrior cat ocs with ovals as the base of their head and it came out a lot cuter and kitty esque. ive always used a circle for the base of everyones heads and never really tried going further so im trying this now. also, seeing shapes in perspective because it frustrates me that i cant draw furry heads with snouts at angles where it FEELS right, if that makes sense?

im using references a lot more, like, almost always googling and keeping refs pulled up on my second monitor. Pinterest is pretty clutch for dynamic poses. im very happy im using it reguarly now. ik its kinda clowned now but i guess my algorithm is doing me good? its a lot better than google searching for shit, now that? thats shit. but yeah, really trying to look at more stuff as a i draw than winging it. using ref makes it feel a lot better and i think im grasping elements better without stressing myself out via drilling myself and getting nowhere as a result

i think ive run out of stuff to say here or mention! so yeah. furrealife workings going on as im making ref sheets and stuff and finding myself frustrated as i draw the fellas.

silly day with the boyyyysss :3

i played with LPS and it was fun. recorded a little bit of it...man i need to do it more

april 15th 2025

it was a rough day mentally and we didnt have class. al sewed Kimberly a support vest because i keep looking at kids ESSA plushies on pinterest and i want our friends to have cute vests and gear for when we go on more journeys. there is a general health aid indictator and then a teal ribbon for our various difficulties

kimby is also able to hold our little flash/note cards ar1 made for us in hopes when we are home and kimby is near we remember to look at the cards during episodes. al will have to adjust this a bit but not right now