September 2025
I've been trying to decipher which of these scenarios is what's going on:
I haven't been able to figure out which is it despite how much thinking has gone into it, especially whenever I catch myself ruminating and spiraling over the idea of a sexual identity, or well my feelings of not having the "right" one. Right now, being just an aromantic bisexual hasn't been sitting right because I don't really feel it. I don't say I'm bi with a smile. I sigh when I explain I'm aromantic. I think over the year I avoid bringing it up because I either feel upset or confused and think of everything that comes with it. I'm just not sure yet which problem it is.
Its a nasty jar of gunk that fermented for years deep in a closet that we're trying to clean out since something in it fucking blew up and now we have to clean everything up that was in it. Its not anything new, but just something we can't put off anymore persay. It's all over the fuckin' place.
The reasons I've been thinking I may actually be asexual (aro & ace) is due to my overall hesitation and lack of interest for actually having sexual encounters, or the thought of maintaining a sexual relationship. It actually isn't that embedded in me unless there are cues to make me go, "oh, perhaps I should want this" or "this is what i should do because they all do it and that means i should too". Like, I possibly don't and wouldn't give a shit about anything sexual if it wasn't assigned some safety value early in my life, meaning the cues would not impact me the way they do, which is fucking annoying. I don't know if once I de-associate sexuality from a sense of self-worth and "safety" will I be a sexual person anymore, essentially.
However, this is where the question of me being possibly being a lesbian comes in. Because well, I do have interest, and a raging one at times that'll have me in a full sweat when I think of women. This one is messy. I realized some time ago that a lot of my previous dating experience has been essentially the power of fawn response. I would have never been in relationships had I not been approached and asked out because I really could give less of two fucks until I got asked out. The thing is, when being asked out, I'd fawn and accept confessions from guys but decline confessions from girls. I remember one girl out of the few femme confessions I recall having what I think was reciprocal feelings, but I just didn't know how to attend to it and well, I was a kid and I didn't want either of us hurt by our parents for being gay (which was already a problem). I had IRL girl crushes growing up instead of guy crushes, but I historically dated guys I didn't really care for other than encouraging myself to reciprocate their desire since "I ought to". For the many things that means, it feels like it boils down to being terrified and lying and thinking I had to, lol. Also I literally recall identifying as pansexual as a kid because I associated being open to all genders as like a virtue signal of being so kind and accepting and open to all, which is like weird to think about.
But even with this wonder, there is a chance I really am bisexual and an overall horny ass fucker that'd be chill with fucking around, but I am like worn down and turned off to it all due to my persistent drive for autonomy and association I will always to do what I "should". I get most frustrated when it feels like "I ought to" be a certain way, whether explicitly or implicitly requested. I have spiraled because it felt like I am bad for not "working" anymore, either for not thinking of sex enough or drawing things horny enough when these are things that gave me purpose if not in other areas. Its fucking bizarre when this happens and is probably a dissociative thing ontop of burnout, but it literally knocks me off my ass so often given I don't think I intrinsically give that much of a fuck about it and will jerk my shit nonstop if I'm existing in a vacuum persay. Like its an insecurity that shouldn't exist, lol. Deep down, we know which of the three theories is true. But it just doesn't "feel right", and like its "not allowed" since it conflicts with what we have been for so long. It conflicts with what we still believe makes us "good". I grew up praised for my femme traits, both physical and personality, and they were assigned value in sexual contexts. I was primed to value being in relationships with men, but also have been taught to be most skeptical of them. I have been conditioned to see my existence and presence dependent on what I can offer or provide, from a basic sense that extended into sexual contexts due to it never being tackled early on. There is a lot of things that have stuck around and been reinforced, making it hard to let go because I really didn't know any better and well, technically its been the norm. Just not a norm that I'd ever had fucked with if I didn't have all these different associations and shit.
In all these theories, I do know that being aromantic is a constant I need to stand with. Romanticism feels incredibly suffocating in both queer or het spaces to me (like, it's always heavily valued and praised) and I think its what turns me off to everything now because I feel bad about it because I experience it "wrong". Even in a life without experiences that caused me to distrust the concept of relationships, I do believe my vision of dying single or in a very low-contact/relaxed or kinky queerplatonic relationship would be what happens, and it is something I am very content with and look forward to! The idea of a typical relationship is something that has never seemed very fun or desirable to me in how they're framed. It is a concept even more skin crawling to me the more I age and people around me think about having kids or moving in together, but very fun and nice if I think of it in fictional terms. We don't mind the typical idea of relationships when it comes to headspace or our shipping shenanigans - it is where it is fully loved. Our conflicts we feel about sex or relationships or interacting aren't present because there is control and exclusion from the social rules that have always determined how we navigate it IRL. We identify that partaking in this romanticism we portray or experience in drawings or in our head isn't something we would actually enjoy experiencing IRL. That's why its fun and preferable and why aromanticism isn't something we even worry to debate anymore. It straight up is how we are. Its unchanging, and it should be okay.
Anyways, the conflicts been moreso with if sexuality has been a performance, which is why a lot of it has felt so wrong lately.
It's weird, but again, I do think we know the answer deep down. It may take time before we recognize and come to terms with it because like, we really never needed to attend to it properly.
I don't know if I made any sense here, and its another reason why I just feel so annoyed with myself. I'll come back to this topic once I get my shit together.