on being a (!)protector

my headmates have voiced their feelings in regards to alot of my traits and behaviors, or become incredibly upset with me and agitated by my advice and influence as one of the fronters in the system since my re-emergence

my source is one of the reasons that result in this, but its also just my method of protection is something they feel is counterproductive now that were older and well, have more authority and ability to fight back than previously understood

my job has been to keep us safe irl based upon what we learned was necessary to not become a target for mistreatment (which well, is clear is not avoidable). its a defense mechanism, rather than an identity we embrace or actually believe in. while as frustrating as it is to go to work and squeeze ourselves into an image (cishet woman, submissive and harmless with high gentle voice to not make it less likely the old people to show their racism to me) that is suffocating, it is done because the environment has proven to be hostile toward the alternative that we are. it is to prevent people we only interact with for work from altering who we are fundamentally, from destroying what we have been working to repair because it does not fit their image. we are trying to preserve what is left of us and heal it, thus my push for us to mask in environments we know will reject us, but we have to navigate for sake of resources and a chance at the life we want to live.

unsurprisingly, this approach backfired (as it does historically for us). it is difficult to not lose a part of yourself when you try to blend into an environment that doesn't even like what you thought was acceptable humaning (like those you thought were acceptable also being punished for traits). like the compatibility is just not there and to force it would be sadistic. and well, perhaps the lesson is that in these situations, its even more important to present in the way that could upset others so you can know faster how bad it sucks to be there and it not go on for so long it does what we feared itd do (do damage to core parts of us). basically know how to nope out faster not by blending in until we see all the signs.

i do not know what to do upon returning to work next week - i would probably be really depressed if we do get fired but also relieved to no longer force ourselves to hide ourselves. the depression would be moreso of the insecurities thats been really honed in on since starting this job, which is like all the reasons we have really bad self image issues. but itll be better once we're in a different place, i suppose. im encouraged to view the freedom that comes with this so we reach the quality of life we want (not holding back from doign things in fear we will be punished for it). its just very weird and adds onto alot of feeling of disillusionment i felt before. but i think it is for the best to realize it no longer makes a difference, so i dont even have to try to be this way anymore

(!) - identifies with having traits that set system backwards in progress