art, visibility, and voice

💬 frustration of trying to be an artist online and not lose myself ⚠️ CW:

Whether that's trying to keep minors from seeing my work, keep people from jerking off to what I don't consider porn, saving my art and using it, or just archiving anything I do. There is no way to really control any of these factors, and having some sort of say in all of this lessens the more visible you are. They are all acts of love and support in the big picture, thus I should be okay with it.

Sure, I should. But, I really struggle with doing so more and more.

Every time I've made an account and the signs that I am losing irrelevance and being seen a possible content producer usually what triggers my "wipe my existence" behavior. My sad effort at taking back control of the one thing I do for myself while being myself.

I have a really REALLY complicated relationship with being supported because I've come to process that the more support you get, the less say you have in what you do and are - what was mine is now shared with everyone as I shared it, and its what made people want to come to me. If I didn't want this, then I should have never shared it. Point of no return.

This thinking unshockingly opens up wounds. Its why I get really crazy once things feel like they did in different scenarios, as I end up in these same old scenearios at a single time (flashbacks) once shit gets set off. I start asking God why I can't just be a random person posting online so I'm not having to be on guard or heavily curate and filter every action to make sure it doesn't happen. Why can't I have that simplicity of being able to exist and try to figure things out like others can for very long? Why am I in the position of being made to feel like I matter, if mattering means the way I feel is technically less valid and unrealistic because of how things in the world works, and I create the situation myself by being visible? Is it from how I present myself? Is it actually possible for it to be any other way, even if I change behavior?

I do recognize this is 1, trauma taking something real and connecting that shit to EVERYTHING else, and 2, not a very unique experience for artists in the general sense, therefore unlikely I am personally smited. Watching it happen to other artists, or listening to the other side of the picture (people that archive artists work or have lax views as a viewer~consumer) doesn't make it easier for me to just accept it, though. If anything, it just makes me very upset and wonder if this is really just the way of the world since forever, or is the result of the modern online climate with entitlement and parasociality. Why is it normal?

The only true solution to avoid this is to not post online, but that pisses me off so much because its just as bad as existing and not having any say in what I do when I decide to do shit. I feel like this all the time IRL, which is why I'm someone that posts a bunch online. I do not really have the safe place to express myself truthfully and unconditionally in real life, and if I do express myself, it is just straight up ignored and I am percieved and described as what I should be or will become until I give up and fit the prescibed image. If you live it, then you'd understand the way this fucks one's head up. Been forever for me because wow, my parent really set me up for this world /s. Its why I love art so much because it does give me a voice and way to express myself - it is a gateway of figuring out what I actually am without someone whispering or pushing me in a certain direction. Its fun and is something I have ability to keep as mine from those that don't grasp I will never be the image they want.

But that once was excitement for sharing and self expression becomes "God forbid people notice me and like me, as I will lose my rights like in real life and have to burn everything down and shoot myself in the feet to regain them.".

Winning is losing. If you are "blessed" and "loved", then news flash, you have a duty and you must fufill it no matter what it costs you. No buts or protests, or that makes you bad and you should be ashamed because you are loved and don't give back.

It blows that this belief extends online now and is unlikely to shift - i see it shifting IRL once I am out of the shithole that eggs it on, but online, its almost becoming a grounded truth. Like, it shouldn't. Its not fair. No one should think like this. I ask myself all these questions on why people do what people do and there is no good answer, so I write in my journals trying to decipher ways to lessen how it happens or ways to suck up how it feels. I shouldn't have to mask or shave down anything I do to keep the idea that I am a human with a say in what is mine. I don't know if others feel this triggered by it, but it blows lol. My relationship with art is so personal that this really doesn't feel any different from me trying to defend my body or mind from being eventually taken over by someone that isn't me, and just having to go with it because you realize no matter what you say or do changes it unless you make it entirely inaccessible. It shouldn't be these two extremes.

Would I still feel as freaked out if I didn't have CPTSD and my dissociative problems? Possibly! Because why must making and sharing art be included in the pipeline of the shit that's ruining the world imo??? Like, fuck this, honestly. To survive, you have to get with the program of make things relevant and for others first if you want to survive, as everyone is doing the same. You are expected to just go with it, or you're bad and mean and open to whatever shots people shoot and ultimately lose, and then whoever does go with it "wins", but gets sucked dry until they are tossed for the next. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just feel really bad for everyone in the world and don't think the world should work like this.

This is super ranty, because yeah, it bugs me a lot. My perspective is pretty compromised by gunk. I can acknowledge this. This factor already makes all of this feel shittier because I feel like old man yells at cloud when I get triggered even when its actually reason for me to be yelling and tweaking. It sends me into my spirals where I mentally summon my comically large spoon and smack people up in my mind or imagine them be mentally tormented the way I feel. I just don't like how I keep trying to convince myself to be okay with how things work and how its either go with it or give it up. I've been trying very, very hard to loosen up and its hard because I will start to feel better and then I'm sent various signs that its all happening again, and its not fair because all I've done is just not isolate or mask my real selves. I do not know if it something I do that is why it happens, which means it can be changed/fixed so I am not feeling the pain again, or if its just how the world works and I have to accept it and adapt. I don't know how to make myself be okay with it, because I do not think anyone should be expected to just be okay with this! And I can't compute that others find it normal and okay to just proceed anyways because I always was told to do what is asked or requested. Like, all the shit I've been raised to follow just does NOT translate to current day! Really doesn't help!!!!

So yeah. A bit of a ranty rant. One that screws me over so much and all the time. I refuse to delete my site as I work on it more though no matter how bad this feeling is fucking me up. Im having fun despite it all, and man, I'll eventually just...I don't know. I just don't want to isolate to not deal with this kind of shit.

So far, the main way to be free from the level of mental gridlocks and flashbacks has been eating edibles. Its lets me not give a shit and go forth with what I do, say and feel, even when there's the reality of what I hate because I start noticing its really fucking stupid in hindsight and I don't have to do shit except what I intend to and say what I do feel. I do not let myself use edibles as often as I honestly would because I am so stupidly trained to try to Do It the "Right" way, but holy shit. It is very, very hard being alive and doing anything if you are unable to just Not Give a Fuck. I have no fucking chill, which I think is understandable given why I don't have it, but that's the problem! The not giving a fuck program is the one I want to be part of if I can't escape the suck it up and deal with it program.