Juggling Posting Art with Autonomy Wounds

💬 explaining my struggle to post with autonomy wounds ⚠️ CW:

Whether that's trying to keep minors from seeing my work, keep people from jerking off to what I don't consider porn, saving my art and using it, commenting on or just archiving anything I do. There is no way to really control any of these factors, and having some sort of say in all of this lessens the more visible you are. They are all acts of love and support in the big picture too, so I should be okay with it.

Like yeah, all this stuff is fine. Things I am even allowed to partake in! But, I really struggle to fully swallow the pill about it and its why I limit me partaking in these things, as I fear putting the same stress I experience from it onto others (wow the core of all my socially maladaptive behaviors).

Since I started this entry, I went from being in an acceptance stage of that this is how art will be and its ok, to being completely against the idea (which prompted me to start typing this up, it was initially way more anti art consumption and going berserk abt it), before once again in the middle of October returning to reflect and try to come to terms with the concept again.

What makes me struggle with this so much? I can tell you! To me, to do well, good or be wanted means I will eventually be in someone's cage and eventually a lap dog with a collar that shocks me unless I do as I am expected. Like this is very much what it feels like to me, but it just boils down to it feeling like a threat on my autonomy & agency, which I'm VERY sensitive about. Like, debilitatingly sensitive about to where it ends up being the crux of most of my high-risk behaviors.

For every account I have made where signs that I am losing irrelevance and am actively being perceived and start to feel I probably shown others I am easy to control triggers my "wipe my existence" behavior. My sad effort at taking back control and protect myself before I stupidly eat from the wrong hand and end up with a collar around my neck.

I have a really REALLY complicated relationship with being supported because I've come to process that the more support you get, the less say you have in what you do and are - what was mine is now shared with everyone as I shared it, and its what made people want to come to me. If I didn't want this, then I should have never shared it. Point of no return.

This thinking unshockingly comes from old wounds, which like start from uuuh (teleports to 1st grade). Egged on by shit like my dynamic with my mom. Its why I get really riled up once things feel like they did in different scenarios, as I end up in these same old scenarios at a single time (flashbacks) once shit gets set off. I start asking God why I can't just be a random person posting online so I'm not having to be on guard or heavily curate and filter every action to make sure it doesn't open up the wrong door. Why can't I have that simplicity of being able to exist authentically and try to figure things out like others can for very long before I cause this to happen? Why am I in the position of being made to feel like I matter, if mattering means the way I feel is technically less valid and unrealistic because of how things in the world works, and I create the situation myself by being visible? Is it from how I present myself? Is it actually possible for it to be any other way, even if I change behavior? Is the only way to protect myself is to not exist at all?

I will be frank I don't think this (art being archived and shit) is a very unique experience for artists. I've read about other artist struggling or sharing grievances for their works being archived and reposted, or people missing the point of their art, ect. ect. They persevere through it or make changes to deter shit from popping off, or they just don't give a fuck about it because its not a big deal to them and their audiences don't do what makes them upset.

Me on the other hand? I am not very graceful about it YET I am LEARNING what my needs are and shit and what are huge no-nos and non-negotiables even if people are nice. So essentially, I am learning that I can like, establish boundaries!! And like, it is NECCESSARY to do so online! And its not mean or cruel. Things I knew but! LOL! Cognitive awareness on its own doesn't make a dent it takes 10-90 business days for processing when it comes to me.

My initial point at this journal was me recognizing if I can't get over myself (my traumatic associations), is that I just needed to stop posting online until I could deal with it and do it right, but that in itself pissed me off so much because it felt like doing so would mean I let others win and I will never exist unless I do what I am told - which is not true.

I was like, really triggered when I started typing this LOL. This was initially really long and like....yeah anyways!

I did make some good points about how enshittification impacts the essence of online art communities and peoples behaviors (I was reflecting from what I observed during Art Fight season), but I think I've been seeing more pushback against this issue recently that I no longer feel that its something relevant to criticize (atleast not at the moment). The behaviors I criticized most were observed in communities I don't even vibe with, and that's the beauty of it! I don't have to fuck w those crowds unless I want to. If they fuck with me, then okay! If they're chill about it, sure, stick around! If not, block 'em and shit.

I think the biggest realization has been realizing yeah I just have this trigger and it's probably helpful to ourselves to like, do things that lessen how often it happen! More than go "damn bro this happened before. damn. damn alright im gonna try to kill myself".

My art being consumed isn't the issue, but more of fearing the eventual moment I find myself letting Ree relive things that I don't want her to worry about anymore in our big body. The betrayal of ourselves and feeling like a big dumb stupid fucker that stared at gullible on the cieling. It doesn't have to keep happening to us. And it's not bad to be sensitive like this! IF I actually do things to like, make it different? Atleast do what I can do. The uncertainty suck and the ups and downs are just something to live with BUT!!! I'm gonna get to a point where I stop blowing myself up online to feel free again. I'll live with being observed, but never tamed. I'll just run and jump and twirl out of grasps and keep doing what I do or something lol. Whatever comforts my brain for now.