i made it to 24

written dec 10 2025

i turn 24 today! this wont be super long, but just wanted to write a happy message for my birthday, as last year around this same time i was in shambles and writing messages and recording audio logs to my future self in hopes they're happier and pleading for them to make change.

well, 23 year old me, i did it. it took until like November but we're doing a lot better mental space wise. we managed to get into this mental space w/o meds, btw!! wooot woot! post graduation depression & burnout led to our deconstruction period which had to been the best decision we've made, even if it was caused by utter despair and really wanting to...yeah. sometimes you have to break down into pieces before you can rebuild into something stronger. so much of the fear we've held onto over the years has shed. we've let go a lot. even as rough things come our way, we're able to recognize its not some divine punishment or whatever bullshit.

being 23 was really fucking hard but everything that happened as a 23 year old really did form a more hopeful 24 year old. im able to look back with more smiles now. im learning to feel gratitude and love and de-associate it from old beliefs i really thought were set in stone. im feeling shit!! we actually feel stuff now, including rage which often scares us but its something we can now work on handling.

you wished for freedom so much, and well, we believe its very attainable and realistic now. we aren't bound by any vision or word of anyone elses but our own. its very nice. anything can happen. and your happiness and comfort is not a crime.

here are hopes for 25 year old me

• i hope you bought a binder. i hope you dont fear being the girlboy genderfuck you are. holy shit i fucking hope youre sticking to being real about it and not letting shit slide anymore.
• i hope you figured out if its crohns or not. i hope you get help before it progressed to the point of serious damage.
• i hope you aren't filtering who you are from those who will accept all of you
• i hope you dont mourn those who tried to make you something you werent
• i hope you find someone irl you can be open about being plural with. i hope it isnt something thatll be a secret forever
• i hope you learn continue to trust that being kind to yourself and loving yourself is good and it isnt something to apologize for
• i hope you dont apologize for how you are anymore. yes, i hope you feel content being someone who is ok with solitude. i hope you know it is okay!!! and i hope folks understand it too.
• i hope u dont hide how much u love being a lil babby <3 indulge you silly bitch. buy that fucking tutu and booties.
• i just hope the shame that we carried is just a memory and we keep moving forward onto being free from what was never true

i love you. and its amazing to be free. lets keep going