blackness, plurality and boundaries

💬 dialouge on the intersection of my experience growing up a black neurodivergent girl & why im a bunch of niggas in a body we dont like ⚠️ CW: csa, dysphoria, dysmophia, racism, self-harm, suicide

my experience with plurality feels directly tied to my experience growing up as a black girl & the many fucked up messages we internalized in our youth. i dabbled into this in a couple places, such as this zine (TW CSA) and in this zine from page 44-47 (TW dysphoria/dyspmorphia/racism), which was trying to articulate the frustration we have with our body, personalities and the roles we continue to fulfill despite having no connection to it past convinced its necessary for survival. the intersection between growing up black, navigating boundaries and dissociation & fragmentation as a result

there is a constant inner rage when we go into the world when people respond positively to the fuckass performance we put on. we hate that we continue to avoid deviating from what is outdated and fucked up ways of existing, and that it continues to get praised. that its still continued to be reinforced despite the amount of harm it has on us. and a part of why i feel weird and shameful talking about it is because i know of others who've gone though significant/extreme sexual abuse or racial trauma yet still have a relatively stable personality or at least self image that aligns with who they are, or at least they find ways to align how they see themselves with how they present to the world so there isnt so much dissonance or being handed roles they they dont want. i wonder how they dont experience as much distortion about their blackness as i do. i wonder how they dont end up continuing through life focusing so hard being palatable and non-offensive to others without fearing for safety. like, i envy people who manage to do this because realistically i should not have this much problem with it. i do not understand how i am Black (i couldn't tell you what the else is in my genes) and grew up in diversity, yet experience so much dissonance around my identity.

Like, okay sure I don't understand - I do. I struggle to understand why this shit is so hard to overcome and let go, rather than be confused on the why. Because I know the why. I wouldn't be shocked if any other person growing up being told they need to act a certain way to be anything in life and to improve their family's livelihood would end up confused about their self-image either. Its a lot of things that led to my fucked up perception of myself, but I guess its more frustrating now knowing what led to it, and that the same shit still happens today because the world rewards like its good. Like am I benefiting from it? Not in the way that matters! I don't like my fucking body and can barely process that its Mine, and I'm confused all the time and want to cry every time some white person compliments me on being polite or calm like its some fucking mindblowing thing for a black person to be, or like it has benefits. Like I have said this before, but I'd probably cum if someone called me a stupid bitch and meant it. Because at least it'd mean I was doing something that signifies I'm acting like a living person rather than me acting on fears I had growing up that if I wasn't nice enough all the time then I'd make all black people look bad and mean and make them think racism okay. I was the worst kid for adults to give an idea like that shit because I took it so seriously and was convinced one wrong act would make me and family get lynched or tortured. It's a lot of things I can recognize went wrong just because I was a very sensitive kid with colorful brain pictures. Like, there are many things little me was convinced of because I was just fucking goofy. One of the ways my mom got me to stop pissing myself past spankings was telling me I was drowning Dora every time I pissed myself. If she ever found pikachu underwear it would have been more effective because that shit devastated me growing up, I thought I was killing Dora if I drank too much juice and didn't pee enough times before going to sleep.

Anyway back on topic, like I know at 24 years old that I'm not the representative for all black people when I walk into a building, but I still go to work and I am one of few black people in this place and I honestly do carry a lot of anxiety about my presentation, but its not out of seeking approval or some shit. I cringe and get annoyed when coworkers "compliment" me for being calm and smart or whatever weird comment they end up saying. Like shut the fuck up man, because god forbid I ever do show an emotion that isn't groveling or gentle going forward, and you bitches might call HR on me.

I'm gentle and calm because its traits that reduce angry responses from clients who are more likely to be aggressive or racist to begin with (seniors) - I am just acting out of fear and necessity - its not who I am or who i want to be, and even if it was, why is it constantly brought up and applauded like it has positive results for the person doing it outside of not being harmed, which is fucking bare minimum of human interaction? It rubs me crazy wrong. Like I'm pretty sure if I was white, I wouldn't constantly be told I'm so patient and calm. And even if it is just compliments unrelated to race, its just triggering because its traits that align with everything that has made it hard to perceive myself as a person or act in any way that isn't gratifying to another person. Its insulting and makes us dysmorphic and feel violated. It just reminds me of being violated. It reminds me why it still happens even with having a big body that can carry a louder, stronger voice but ours comes out and its the one that was trained from youth to be like this. Like I genuinely hate this shit and trying to not isolate makes it mentally grating because I "cant seem to change fast enough". Most of our system hates we continue to act in ways that do not benefit us, but it is incredibly hard to do when it gets reinforced. It is a lot harder to get enough communication across the board to act otherwise because there is that constant fear of not surviving if we suddenly act out of line, or whatever script that ensures whomever we are interacting with isn't threatened by us. I reject a lot of compliments because the traits that get praised is shit that has brought us so much pain or mental torment. We have headmates that lowkey cling to it because well, they thing we oughta or we'll fucking die or get injured for not doing what others want and praise. The approval seeking behaviors we do have stem from approval = survival, whether physical resources or less mental anguish and torment - its to avoid punishment for not being gratifying. Even the ones who hate this shit still fight like hell against stronger forces within system that shuts us all up so we don't fucking die or make people injure us. it fucking sucks. And I get mad at having a body that makes it so much harder to fight this sort of shit or that even caused a lot of it to start because the traits we need to let go because its just not even good man.

I do not think I neccessarily hate my body. This is not about hating my Blackness. I really just hate the situations and kind of life I have because of how my body and Blackness interacts with society. I'm currently in a state of feeling pretty awful regarding everything and it gets clapped for because it benefits others. Thats where a lot of the terrible feelings are coming from. It'd be different if I felt good but I don't, and I am usually very scared and frustrated. The times I'm not, there is impending doom and I get scared that a huge punishment is brewing because I have audacity to act "bad". When Ida or Ari fronts and starts acting as we wish to embody, there ends up being pushback that makes Host freak the fuck out and quiets us down again, and then we can't reach them and get locked out of making any choices.

We've been trying to work on and tackle this more and more amongst each other in system but its incredibly confusing because of the mental blockage we have regarding acting outside of what we consdier safe behaviors or what Host will approve. Masking, codeswitching and being non-offensive is hard for Host to let go because we can't get enough proof that shows acting otherwise will feel better long enough.

So yeah its frustrating and I don't think going to therapy over it will be helpful because who the fuck knows if theres any black DID informed therapists that won't bring religion into the picture, which is something I refuse to fuck with anymore outside of my own way of approaching it, as it is something that alot of people will attribute my traits to which is lemon into the wounds.

I don't know where I'm going here. I usually don't when I try to describe my experience with being Black. Its fucking bizarre because I don't feel shame for it ??? its more of a protective distance from it because of everything I've internalized over the years and what gets reinforced. I don't even feel alive sometimes, some of our headmates are convinced we died during one of our overdose attempts so they can't even eat meat without freaking out. I fucking hate it because I can't even say I hate myself, I just don't identify with this body or existence sometimes in any sense other than something on this planet to jerk other people off - like that was really my duty when put on this earth adn I'm trying to nope the fuck out of it in every way possible I feel like an anaimal killing itself in a cage trying to cope with living like this. Life does feel nice when I'm not locked into the idea that I'm placed here to do that, but otherwise I'm not even present. Its just fucking happening and I'm mad about it because I feel nothing but losing more of what I never could figure out I am.

yeah, i didnt get much of anywhere with this post. im sure theres some subsystem in headspace who could articulate this better but it just boils down to i got trained very well as a kid and it sucks having awareness about it. i do not want good cookie points i dont want to be bad i just want 2 be alive and free and not feel guilty for doing things for myself.

i dont know if ill ever be okay or relate to this woman body because of this life tbh but well yeah. idk (shrugs) now im too high to type what i was thinking. its a special kind of hell.