wanting more

CW : religion, christianity 4/8/2026

im being told to be grateful and being reminded of how worse things can be alot more than usual lately.

its interesting.

ive never had trouble comprehending this, even when things were objectively worse than they are today. i dont even complain in a sense that would warrant this reminder. i acknowledge that reality all the time, and i am honest when i do recognize it. the thing ive been doing more lately is developing independence, resisting orders and wanting something more, or different, than what my family believes in and values. when i am lectured about gratitude and God and how blessed i am, that i should be grateful for what i have, and what things could be, its hard to not hear their words translate into "you should just accept this. you cant live the other way. do it our way. get used to it. you have no choice. stop that, it is scary".

the further i lean into my own ideas of what life is, what i want it to be, and recognizing i can live a "bad" life because there is no actual Way like they swore there was (essentially re-connecting to my hopefulness and quiet rebellious thinking i had in youth where i promised myself to die standing than to live on my knees doing as i am told), the more pushback i feel, similar to stretching a rubberband. im fearing the snapback, i guess. once i break loose, will i soar, or just pop myself in the face? is this what people who had a typical rebellious phase felt when they started to figure out who they are and fight for their beliefs?

I think the part that bothers me every time i get a mini lecture is that religion is brought into it. about how I'm blessed and should be grateful that God provides and will show me my path and how I need to trust him. Like, I don't know why that is relevant to when I'm talking about how I'm annoyed that someone is treating another person badly, or when I want a burger. like, my family believes in God. That's fine. I respect people who are religious as long as they arent the type to weaponize it. I've come to develop my own relationship and understanding of a higher being, separate from what God I was taught about in church. I've come to be against book teachings and book religion due to the power of interpretation, and my understanding of the power every person possesses - the ability to create meaning from essentially nothing. Meaning doesn't matter either until some sort of other factor is assigned to it. Anyone with power can control the value of the meaning they define.

I started to breakdown how to see their responses and pushback to I guess comfort myself that yeah, it Makes sense for them to constantly act this way, so I can't be as emotionally bothered by it.

My deviation from their values and understanding of the world is abnormal, scary, destabilizing, when they already struggle with a lot of fear and stress in how they try to navigate the world and what it means. the belief that God provides and will protect them and be there for them allows them to push through the trials they are presented - it is a motivator, it is protection. Not only do they have concerns because of the level of enmeshment our family structure has, but because the safety, lack of connection, loss of resource, loss of protection, ect. Alot of times they bring up how working hard will get them rich, that they'll be blessed. That he's always watching over and protecting them when they do wrong, how he'll forgive them, ect.

I've stopped viewing God as a magic being that'll magically make everything okay, that if I sit back and trust in his power, he will get me right - but rather like a creator cheering on their creations, that wants me to act. Passivity and teaching myself to tolerate has done alot of damage in my life, and I don't like its consistently encouraged. Gratitude and the idea of blessing have always been used to force tolerance, to make you compliant and just accept things as they are and go with it.

The people that swear by book teachings use this framework and it just really tarnishes God's image in my eyes, it makes it hard to view the world as kind if our higher being is no different than the people that made me believe I will never be human - it scares me to think that its what God wanted and wants me to keep experiencing. I really prefer having my own idea of him deviated from how people interpret and apply biblical text, as I really find it hard to believe the higher being would want that.