on being a werewolf
my headmates have their own processing of our existence. ida identifies with being an android infected with malware, pachla is confidently a mutated coyote, allen cant fight the connection to vampirism and cats, lucas juggling between his identity of being an angel and a fucked up pokefusion situation, but lycanthropy, or i prefer just saying being a domesticated werewolf is one i always felt encapsulated my experience interacting with the material world
disclaimer
and to be clear now, my subjective experience and definitions should not be interpreted as how other werewolves feel or understand themselves, nor is intended to be compared to those experiences with identifying as or with dogs and so on. it is wholly my personal feelings within my own definitions and feelings to try to describe how i process my existence. i realize after writing a good chunk of whats later is that it might seem like im implying a view on those who are dogs vs a wolf - no. at the crux of it, i think the euphoria, pride or want to embrace the species we are stems from the same place or need. i know im, at the base of it all, a living metaphor.
how it started
alot ot my connection started with my wolf girl sonas backstory i wrote from 2012-2019 - riley the wolfgirl who is partners in crime with pachla the mutated coywolf, protagonists of an unwritten series called Dysphoria. its was my first ever original story, and i guess in ways my first appearance. riley is my OC rather than actually me though. i am ariana. i faceclaimed riley in the same way pachla faceclaimed pachla. nevertheless...
between my experience with growing up codeswitching while being black, having a primary fawn based trauma response, undiagnosed autism and ocd, pmdd and body dysmorphia, i have felt like a werewolf that has been domesticated like a lap dog. i hate being a dog, because i look in the mirror and i see a wolf, what ive come to think is a wolf. i look at my claws and teeth and feel dissonance because i get complimented on how soft i am or how good i am as if im some purse dog. i am praised this way because i don't bark or bite. people are shocked or brush off when i act or display any of my werewolfness, given i readjust my behavior and shrink into my fur once others disapprove, like a damn dog hearing a clicker, or seeing someone pick up a shoe. i realize ive groomed myself figuratively and literally in a way that makes it hard for people to realize i am am infact a werewolf. i sometimes forget i am one. and i scare myself when i look and see a werewolf, something i do love and want to be okay with. something that is powerful to be, when i often believe i am at the mercy of who ive let pick up my leash and tell me im a dog. something that if i allowed myself to embody would honestly keep me safer than i feel when i act like a dog.
my feelings is complicated. it is growing with belief that the traits that make me a werewolf being bad and surely to get me killed or tortured, rightfully in anothers eye because im a werewolf, but being a dog was good and safe and the way to make everything safe. like now as an adult whose been working with the others (my sysmates & headmates) to let go of what gridlocks me into thinking im still limited to the knowledge and grasp of the world of a eight to twelve year old, im able to recognize what the hell was going on and learn to not hide my pointy ears anymore or snarls. letting my claws grow and not shrink my body to be more doggy like. be the way i feared being and loving it. im taking off a collar that was placed around my neck as a child and replacing it with my own, one i decide to put on and take off. its now my decision to limit my wolfiness. there is no leash anyone can pick up. theres a bit of giddy, alot of it to be honest, to know i hold the leash, and i can take my collar off and prance around as a wolf whenever i want and ill be seen as for what i am, rather than be visible in a way that makes people think they can come and pet me without any fear. there should be fear. they should hesitate and reconsider wanting to tug at my ears or caress my fur. they should want to think twice before pulling up my tail or grabbing my paws. i guess you can think about it in the way the scrapped zootopia plot was, mixed with the experience of yuki and ame in wolf children. those are some sources outside of the plot and backstory written for Riley in Dysphoria.
i dont want to fear the reality of being a werewolf. it is my life and existence. it should not be shrouded in shame. its healthy to be a bit fussy or hard to deal with, especially for a werewolf. it should have been okay, and it always will be now.
living as a werewolf
theres a couple of ways out traits show.
outside of our preference of solitude, feeling awkward in our body, love for meat, enjoyment of walks or runs, insatiable desire to roam around in the dead of night, vocal noises, latent playfulness and "zoomies", one of the huge things is how our human body has pmdd. an internal war happens every month. trying to pretend like im even 5% human during a time where my brain is having a meltdown bc our hormones are fluctuating is maddening, because its like two weeks of forcing myself to walk on my hind legs and talk english when my form is that of an injured feral wolf. it sucks to have to play human when you well, arent in a form to keep that act up. fun fact, we had the worst pmdd episodes when the start of our period/bleeding aligned with the full moon. it is funny sometimes how it happens as when we'd start bleeding (which is a celebration when you have pmdd), we'd check the lunar phase and boom, full moon.
is it insensitive or irresponsible to "lean" into what would be stigma around periods for someone who is interpreted as femme? to me no because well its just my fucking life so far and its very validating to me. if i go batshit during my period during a full moon, then well it is what it is. i handle my pmdd alot better when i can also bridge understanding to folks when explaining it. their understanding of werewolves may be shallow or inaccurate to what i feel or how others feel, but it helps start somewhere when i explain that its my pmdd impacting me when me and the moon arent synced as good (since i do have some good months! depends on my sync with the moon).
the heart of it
like at the crux of it, being a werewolf, outside of the physical connection or helping me understand why i am this way, is an affirmation and release from feeling like i must always be obedient, accessible and easy on the eyes or the first choice. embracing and asserting being a werewolf frees me from an idea i have to follow orders i am given, wait for food to be given to me, believe i cannot bite, ect. embracing and acknowledging im a werewolf restores a sense of autonomy and is empowering for me. it is a positive. its really fucking positive in relation to my experience and memories of being in the forefront of the vessel. embracing being a werewolf in the material world makes it easier to actually be in the body.