HELIANTHUS-FIELDS.NEOCITIES.ORG

as of 5/30/2026 ...

feeling...The current mood of mimisrol at www.imood.com

HAPPY ALMOST PRIDE MONTH!!! ill probably update again once it is pride month. im excited and do think ill go to a pride parade this year. the year i got to walk in one was fucking awesome, so id love to just go to another

im just gonna make this page live for the update and then push another update later when alotta other pages get their updates

general

i go between wanting to stop meds again because i get mad "they dont work" and then go back to realizing how much theyre helping me in the grand scheme of it. like the target was to lessen anxiety about neccessary tasks for my current life even when im overwhelmed. im able to drive reasonably fine now without convinced ive killed someone or flinching the entire drive. im bringing plushies with me and dressing up when i go outside again. it wanes but i dont have that immediate knee jerk reaction as much to mask in situations where it feels like i should. im not hyperfocused on being super good epicest ever, which helps alot. so despite other shit, i feel decent. most of my struggle persists in the same area (whcih i go into later)

journaling daily helps alot. we as a collective are still trying to keep posting vents online to a minimal but Its. its something! but we're making progress lol. we're fine tuning punch card goals too. returning to work put a bit of a wedge in any art productivity But whenevr we escape Le mind shackles, we get back to it. tis all about not being in freak out mode lolol

back at work. ough

ive been back at work, my bosses are surprisingly patient and trying to work with me because of my work ethic, however my anxiety persists and im kinda still struggling with becoming very overwhelmed and wanting to run off due to the lack of space where im working somewhere quiet/isolated. im constantly anticipating someone saying something to me or demanding my attention outside of clients in our office we're all forced to be at atm. im still struggling to speak up but they really are trying to open the doors for me being honest to them when im having shutdowns. kinda spoken but unspoken of what my disabilities are. i dont know if they get why im struggling so bad. im still trying to keep it unspoken to not get targeted further its a mix of both very confusing hostile team dynamic that makes me not comfortable or Want to be part of the team anymore, which really sets my struggles into overdrive. theres nothing to give me reason to feel otherwise or even trust my bosses, and i dont want to be a naive dickhead!!. i was kind of a dickhead to begin so yeah im kinda feeling like a wounded weary animal at work thats forced to be around animals with their teeth bearing but told im not supposed to be scared of them while theyre barking and growling and eager. i just feel very confused and afraid all the time there, and uh i havent gotten used to it yet ( a little bit, but not enough yet!! lol). i am still kinda hoping down in my heart that by july they let me go, or atleast by then i can find another job that doesnt have me feeling like im a broken evil human for not being social for someone femme (which is like...i used to be friendly and outgoing at work but the drama and getting targeted is why i shut down and am so anxious -.- cant win situation). also id like to be somehwere where i cna relatively trust the people im around without objective evidence of why i shouldnt hahaha. kinda hard to heal in places like this man.

self defense class soon???

f ive been trying to research best therapy to help me as i really think once i get a picture or like, tutorials on how to navigate this sort of stuff, id feel less...dumb and confused about social stuff? about how ppl function (despite having a degree in how ppl function) because im just kinda trusting to a fault and also working on not being a pushover (which is what tends to cause many issues!!!!). while sure i can go to therapy and talk about bullshit i went through and challenge my thinking and gaslight myself to deal with shit enviornments, i read quite a bit about how martial arts can help with confidence building and its kinda a part of something i feel would help me quite a bit. a huge part of my fear and inaction comes from belief i cant defend myself agaisnt anyone that does want to hurt me, whether that be physically or psychologically, because i forget im in an adult body with an adult voice that has strength in it so yeah. kind of the plan is to start some sort of positive self defense course alongside therapy. i just know after alot of journaling that i cant just go and talk about whats wrong with me but need like practical skills and understanding that Yeah, my body can also defend me when my voice is not heard. like outside of verbal knowledge and observation i have proof its more that can be done to protect me or others, and i have like choices yknow

what im doin in my freetime

interested in 🤔

playing 🎮

tomodachi life ida being a sleep paralysis demon for rea while ree walks up and sings

watching 📺

reading 🔖

looking forward to ⏩

summer bucketlist 🏖️
heres things i hope to do this summer! (may - august)

SETTINGS: back to top / return home
Currentlty Playing: History (Sonic Mega Collections)