my streams of conciousness

took some ultra strength edibles because ive been having a dogshit time lately. i orbited for 24hrs. heres the longs from when it first kicked in:

"highs for me feel like being sucked through a black hole and 
			the only in keeping me from going too far in is 
			finding something in the current reality to staple onto as 
			im being ripped further and further away from it all. 
			for a 360 angle i swirl from staple to staple to not disappear"

"i can feel everything 
			my nose and mouth burn
			i can feel the hair benthe my nose flutter
			theres a whistle to my left
			a troll watching me from afar
			the breath of my nose hot enough to burn my teeth
			

"i have went through centuries
			boulds grow into my elboe
			taking a breath is a bungee cord

			i want to grt up to have fun
			i am stapled to the bed
			skin touch hurts
			heat is generated"
			

"driving in dark blue lane on crayon cliff
			its crayon
			2nd grade
			i am small
			i need to feel
			i see him. crayon  crayon 
			he scared
			dark grey blue stadium
			ljmited on xblx60
			shaded in corner 
			pencil
			gray graphite
			jt will be okah
			do u know what i mean??"
			

"its all 2nd grade art
			xbox360 bosses in crayon
			blue red purple drafon"
			

"its all 2nd grade
			props
			crayon
			

even logging this here gives me massive dejavu. i transversed the world of my 2nd grader drawings and learned to draw again. it was weird. it was cathartic. i dont know who the guy was. i dont want to know now LOL. i pissed my pants during the panic attack. i think the only proper grounding i could do was jerking off because of how hard i was spinning and even that didnt work much. once i regressed it just sorta went with it. no one in headspace could get us back. we all just breathed for once. during the peak moving was bizarree and my joints creaked on their axel. it was alot. but im back for better or for worse

it feels like i nearly got to a breakthrough but i still sit conflicted with so much and just generally so fucking tired. like what is it all for. i guess for her. 2nd grade. im doing it for her. ill do it for her

it doesnt feel like much to loose anymore even with how much dizzy wants to try to save. i need to get it through the system that there is nothing to save. like....we are never going to find peace trying to bring back what has died so long ago. let it go already.

being that high was honest to god horrifying but it beats being fully aware and theres still an agonizing weight and dread that beckons you to just multilate yourself because of how much you hate yourself. im so close to finding peace. please let me be free from this

i am a bit high and im overwhelmed with my love for plush, toys, puppets and physical items to roleplay out stories and create lore for things that have none. for as long as i remember i regularly watch youtube videos of folks acting out stories or drama shows with stuffed animals or figurines. i used to make videos back when i was 7 or so, and then i rotated to just drawing out scenes to convey what i believed toys could not, and how toys were cringe (i dont believbe this anymore). the kind of stories i watch is just the same kind of art that making oc stories is. its just a different medium used to convey the tales, relationships, tragedies and triumphs. i do this with Miis in Miitopia and Tomodachi Life and when I play Sims and even when I play Animal Crossing, my villagers are their own people past the programming. without trying so many little tales are created and i become engulfed. it becomes so real to me. i know others experience this at similar levels, or else games like Sims and such wouldnt exist. its fun. its just when we get older, we "grow out of it" if its not in an "mature way" (aka art makes this easier to do and more mature than if someone uses baby dolls)

i am constantly yearning to create toy videos again like i did once in my youth and at times during my teens as "a joke". its so hard to do it again due to my age and expectations of outside world. i dread being misread during my pursuit of fun. it would just be using a different medium to storytell. and to actually film it without disapproving eyes adds onto the reaosn why i just wont do it. it is fear that stops me from indulging in what i genuinely love. i watch toy videos unironically. both semi serious ones (lots of LPStubers will make films not for kids at all) and ones clearly for kids but i still enjoy them because its often cliches like in kid shows or great jokes that catch me completely off guard and im giggling so hard over it.

i want to make what i like to see. this is a big part of why i ever create. if i find it and it makes me happy or feel comforted, i want to create the same joy or comforting hug feeling for others that i also experience.

eveyrone has their comforting hug in a form of something, and for me, its storytelling and roleplay. to be able to do this through toys/plushies or "inanimate objects" sets this to levels past you can think. to give life to something with set programming or capability. i have a big imagination and by god i will let it flow once i get my paws upon a couple of plushies or toys.

i think id like DnD more if the team all used their figurines to talk and chat the entire time than the table top without physical item to convey. i would probably actually stay in a group if we were all acting out everything with toys (i mean during combat its kinda like this but more reliant on the DM explaining what happens. i need more visual stim!!!)

but yeah.....i love toys and plushies and watching videos where people make stories with them. i always have. i often refuse myself from watching them bc its "cringe". idc anymore. i love them and i want to make them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am an artist. i do commissions. ive been doing art commissions since 13 years old. the usual furry commissions with an affordable pricetag to get some traction in a large market. i started selling art so early in my art career because my family was poor as hellll; single sick mom and shit, alot of guilt needing extra things and well, i had a monetizable talent. when i realized i could draw a pokemon and eventually make enough money for a dominos pizza or mcdonalds chicken sandwich, it was On. rise and grind. granted i started selling for literal change because of how deviantart’s currency warped the community’s and young me’s grasp on art value, but it was a start that kept up to where i am now.

doing commissions for the most part has been a pretty straightforward experience with few commission artist sins like making people wait forever, not issuing refunds properly, sending out super halfassed work, ect. i have more commission sins that i paid for rather than customers suffering at my malpractice or something. ie. underselling, have crazy quick turnarounds, give people art for free because i was afraid of making them mad, ect. like….yeah. but even with these, i wouldnt call those bad commission artist experiences because nothing forced me to do these, it was inexperience lol.

my primary negative experiences as a commission artist boils down to when i become demand avoidant and struggle to do my work. my biggest passion and coping mechanism would suddenly be as agonizing as being forced fed raisins and grits. having to pick up my pen would make me want to just quit art all together and never ever ever do art ever again because i HAAAATTED it and i HATED EVERYTHING and art was miserable and my art was SHIT and i just HATED ART because it was PAINFUL and everything SUCKED and people making me do them are EVIL and MEAn and WANT ME DEAD.

melodramatic i know. i know this lol

everytime it happens and once i finish my queue, all of the pain and anxiety instantly leaves and once again i kick my tootsies and draw little guys with a big smile.

i have only recently realized how big of a problem my demand avoidance is because of how it impacts my relationship with art, and how it may mean i cannot take commissions anymore as one of my side hustles. i mean, i kinda realized sometime earlier this year, but well now i am forced to grapple with this reality after i spent a couple of days being an overwhelmed asshole. i finished the art and i was fine again. and maybe theres some exectuive dysfunction at play. but its not like i cant do it, because i usually can i just Dont WANT to because im being expected to. like, doing it pisses me off since its not my choice anymore. if im in the mood, sure, i finish them with no problem. but i have to want to do it and feel it is my choice.

i laugh nervously looking back at my senior year of highschool art class and how i went from aiming to go to SVA to dropping all art for a year and a half and doing psychology as a major since i had to make an art portfolio. because of the social expectation and loss of autonomy and judgment that came with it.

my whole saying fuck off to my youtube channel after getting a bunch of support. literally every art account i owned and nuked because people supported me or wanting to see more from me would be cause for me blowing up.

basically, i am allergic to expectations and obligations. both positive or negative. positive expectations can result in just as much internal explosions as negative ones. sometimes, it causes even worse ones. obligations kills the dog. it never feels positive for me.

demand avoidance was never my first thought of why i become such a cunt about art and other parts of my life. for a really long time, i did not understand what demand avoidance was and assumed it was just rule breaking behavior or rejection of authority. i am a rule stickler who follows rules put in place and HATE to defy authority since it intrudes on my safety given the chance i upset people = upset person angry at me and be mean to me. when i go to work, i only want to do my work and get annoyed doing stuff that isnt productive. i was a quiet perfect gifted kid through all my years of school. i never spoke when i wasnt supposed to, i did all my homework and never had bad behavior. so, how could i, the goody two shoes who doesnt want to be hurt and get stuff done, have demand avoidant tendencies, or hell, profile?

very easily, yeah. demand avoidance looks different for everyone, and people are demand avoidant for different reasons. the root uniting it seems to be anxiety and autonomy, but again its different for everyone. ive always only looked at the extreme and obvious ways it shows

like, im not that much of a stickler as i say i am. i just follow rules i dont have issue with because they work for me and dont intrude on my autonomy or beliefs. if they dont work for me, i am a fucking brat about it, and i will break them or not value them. ill lie or sneak and do it. internally or under the radar, of course, because thats how my momma raised me. if theyre enforced as i break them, i lose my fuckkking miiind within. i dont have many outward behaviors because my mom used to beat my ass or other effective forms of punishment for tiny rea for the times id step out of line.

so small stuff like the expectation of saying hi to people to be socially accepted at work drives me mad, and doing it makes me upset and its always consequence whether i do it or not. following rules can even have these weird powerplay vibes that just makes me start biting myself so i dont scream. suggestion to do certain things makes me so fucking repulsed even if its shit i like. if im not feeling suggestible or "whatevs", i will freak my shit out

when it comes to art, i have associated praise and support with obligation and expectation and eventually no autonomy i cannot be positively reinforced artwise because it means i lose autonomy and i am at the will of my supporters if i want to surive. so when people respond to my work, because thats like normal to do and part of being an artist, it freaks me out and sets off my anxiety. i go into rants about how the art is MINE and I draw for MYSELF and its MINE and NOT YOURS…..like a terrified beast. and then i take it all away from everyone because i need to reclaim it for me. it stopped being for me. its gone and a part of myself is gone. and i am empty. and because i cannot perform, and thus susceptible to harm because i have failed, and i must die.

i can go into the specifics commission wise, but its not like its an art commission exclusive thing for me. art commissions just comes with ALOT of my triggers that sent me into a full fit of freaking out whenever im not in the mood to do them. it comes with normal art. it comes with academics. with friendships and relationships. with my health. with being alive.

i know this is a big issue of why my life goes stagnant and is why im just like, shit. i gotta find a new method for doing commissions for side hustle or just Not do them. and knowing me, ill toss all the knowing this aside because i need cash just to go through another meltdown and want to quit art again. i dont want this tho. i gotta be serious about it.

i have been trying to cope with my not so savory unavoidable traits alot since i started college. i have been really nasty and mean to myself as i navigate it all because i feel mean and nasty and read how people see behaviors i have as mean and nasty. how can you be nice to yourself about things you only can conclude you are unpleasant to deal with? well, step one to growth and eventually being met with accommodation is to actually realize the issue at hand. then its eaiser to be nice to myself in a way i guess

to anyone else who experiences demand avoidance with doing commissions, please take your breaks and just do things in moderation. communicate with whats going on and come back with a clearer head. itll be okay